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  #11  
Old 03-01-2016, 01:50 PM
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drinnt drinnt is offline
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Originally Posted by PhoenixStGeorge View Post
Funny, both my loves want me to feel free to say anything about either of them to either one. My GF is amazing - she says she hears about how I feel when I talk about him, not complaints about him. Either a testament to her, or that I am actually respecting my husband in the process, or both.

I was asking because, even though this is all highly personal/individual, I wondered if this wasn't a common issue with some common wisdom I hadn't found outside of forums. Worry not, those reading who fear I need a therapist instead of my girlfriend-- I respect the therapy process, have utilized it in the past and likely will in the future, though I don't think this needs that.

Honestly, folks, I think the real issue is my need for a confidant about things that involve my love life, which means baring our very private triad. Might sound pathetic, that's why I'm here, in an effort to exhaust some of that need. My GF has a lifelong friend, just hers, she can talk to about anything. My husband has the same (though this one is not just his, but also a close friend of our GF and a casual friend of mine by proximity). I, however, have them-- my husband and my girlfriend are my only confidants. (Oh this sounds so pathetic, I'd delete if not so anonymous.) I have a very dear and close friend whose busy life is at odds with mine and we don't get to see much of each other, and while she wouldn't judge, she's a heartily monogamous person who I expect will earnestly try, but fail, to understand, at least enough to help. And that mutual friend of the triad? Forget it, no way, she'd try to "fix" for sure if she was hearing from two sides.

Thanks for all the replies, thanks for having me in your community.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you wanting a confidant and I don't think there is anything wrong with you choosing your partners for filling that need. As long as they are willing and as long as you include responsible conversation with your partner/confidants about the intention of your communication and any feelings it may bring up for them.

In my corner of the world J is very much like you. R and I are the only people in the world she can talk to about any relationship problems she is having. More often than not it's complaints about D and reverberations in J's relationship with R that are a result of things causing friction. So I get all the dirt and it's been a challenge and taken a LOT of communication about the purpose and intent of giving her that outlet while at the same time sidestepping my desire to defend D.

It CAN get tricky which it why it is often advised against. No one really wants to hear crappy things said about their partner, especially if they might be in a really good place with that partner...unless they want to be a confidant to you more than hearing those things about their partner bother them. As you said, your girlfriend hears your feelings...not complaints about "him".

The biggest thing I have struggled with as a confidant and hearing "vents" that involve my paramour is the nagging feeling of, "Wait...J is really angry at D...is J going to think less of me for loving D???" That was a very big struggle early on but since the relationships evolved into two, separate V's...and we have discussed what would happen if either one of the V's broke up...I no longer feel like the fate of my relationship with D is dependent upon how J feels about D.

It is a matter of conscience and MORE SO a matter of choice made through active conversation with your partners about what being a confidant means to you and also how it impacts them so you can all have a chance to be responsible with every one's feelings.

There is nothing wrong with you, or pathetic, about an intimate social circle. I've had many thoughts over the years about J's VERY small social circle...at times it has included just me! It is a valid way of being...I would definitely suggest stop making yourself wrong for being that way and focus more on finding ways to make it work for you and your partners...as it sounds like you are doing.
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J - my wife & partner since 2000
D - R's wife & my unfortunately ex-girlfriend :-(
R - D's soon to be ex-husband & J's boyfriend

Last edited by drinnt; 03-01-2016 at 01:59 PM.
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  #12  
Old 03-01-2016, 02:35 PM
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PhoenixStGeorge PhoenixStGeorge is offline
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Thumbs up Update 2

I really appreciate everyone's response. Steve, thank you so much for your words about your experience being the confidant, as well as intimate social spheres - *really* helpful words to read.

To those who seem concerned that there is dangerously flawed communication happening, especially Ravenscroft (I *do* appreciate your response! not ungrateful!) -- this is not about me flailing wildly in a sea of confused ideas; our triad really does have great communication, no secrets, and I have been talking with both Husband and GF about all of this at the same time as you guys. I've come here to find common wisdom, learn from other people's experiences, and unload extra when I feel like I've saturated my loved one's with words and it's not enough for me. I think 'vent' was not the best word for me to use, 'confide' and 'discuss' would have been better. Of course, I'm sure my perspective has been benefited by this convo here.

Since my original post I've had one of the healthiest deep-content conversations with my husband, and addressed my concerns about needing to talk but be fair and respectful with both of my loves. So far at least, they are both *very* interested in listening and not restricting my communication with each other or anyone else, letting me know that my concerns about disrespect are appreciated but unfounded, and that their only concern in all of this is that I don't feel lost, like I don't have the outlets I need.

That said I am staying very mindful of what I'm saying all the time to make sure I don't cross any lines, trusting my conscience, but newly aware of some blinders I'd been wearing (new post on that coming somewhere) so being extra vigilant.
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  #13  
Old 03-01-2016, 07:05 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I have a fairly messed-up history with relationships, including 14 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. I also have depression, anxiety, and PTSD, all of which screw mightily sometimes with my perceptions of other people's behavior. And to top it all off, as I think Reverie once put it, "I don't human well." Human behavior in general is a completely foreign culture to me.

So I very frequently talk to one of my partners about the other. Not to rant, and not to share secrets or play one off the other, but because I can't always trust my perceptions of a situation and can't always see the other person's side, so the non-involved partner becomes my reality check. I've been fortunate that Hubby wants to see my other relationship(s) succeed because he likes seeing me happy, and my two ex-boyfriends, along with Woody, have all been invested in helping to keep my marriage intact, so no one has ever minded me using them as sounding boards, or being the one I need a sounding board about.
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  #14  
Old 03-02-2016, 06:53 PM
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drinnt drinnt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PhoenixStGeorge View Post
I really appreciate everyone's response. Steve, thank you so much for your words about your experience being the confidant, as well as intimate social spheres - *really* helpful words to read.

To those who seem concerned that there is dangerously flawed communication happening, especially Ravenscroft (I *do* appreciate your response! not ungrateful!) -- this is not about me flailing wildly in a sea of confused ideas; our triad really does have great communication, no secrets, and I have been talking with both Husband and GF about all of this at the same time as you guys. I've come here to find common wisdom, learn from other people's experiences, and unload extra when I feel like I've saturated my loved one's with words and it's not enough for me. I think 'vent' was not the best word for me to use, 'confide' and 'discuss' would have been better. Of course, I'm sure my perspective has been benefited by this convo here.

Since my original post I've had one of the healthiest deep-content conversations with my husband, and addressed my concerns about needing to talk but be fair and respectful with both of my loves. So far at least, they are both *very* interested in listening and not restricting my communication with each other or anyone else, letting me know that my concerns about disrespect are appreciated but unfounded, and that their only concern in all of this is that I don't feel lost, like I don't have the outlets I need.

That said I am staying very mindful of what I'm saying all the time to make sure I don't cross any lines, trusting my conscience, but newly aware of some blinders I'd been wearing (new post on that coming somewhere) so being extra vigilant.
Glad I could pass along the help I often get on here. Just remember...everyone has bad days. As much as I am a confidant to J she is careful to make sure she doesn't abuse that. If she sees that she is stressing me out, usually by my reaction to her venting if I'm not in a good place, she will ease off and acknowledge it by saying, "you don't look like you want to hear this right now..." That's usually enough to stimulate some healthy conversation.

There have been times where it just ground me into the ground...we learned through trial and error...so keep an eye out for those days when you may be pushing up on your partner's share limits. Landmine avoidance, etc, etc.
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Steve
------------------------------------------------------
J - my wife & partner since 2000
D - R's wife & my unfortunately ex-girlfriend :-(
R - D's soon to be ex-husband & J's boyfriend
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  #15  
Old 03-02-2016, 07:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Active discussion isn't really encouraged in the blog threads (unless you ask for it) . . .
I just want to clarify this statement. The section of this forum called "Life Stories & Blogs" is where members post their personal stories. Many people use them as journals. But there seems to be a misconception about whether discussion is allowed there. It is not true that "active discussion" is not encouraged in the blogs unless the "bloggers" who start threads there ask for opinions, etc. Discussion is indeed allowed in blogs. It's okay to converse within blog threads.

However, posts that debate, argue, or criticize the blogger are not allowed there. In addition, every person who starts a blog thread can request that a Moderator remove posts by people who add unwanted posts to their blog thread, for any reason.

From our Guidelines:
Note: The threads on the Blog board receive special treatment. Each thread is the personal blog of the user who started it. The blogs are *not* threads where open debate and criticism is expected. Think of the blogs as protected space, wherein the blog author can disallow any discussion posts that he or she doesn't like from others. Respect the blogs as protected space.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-02-2016 at 07:33 PM.
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  #16  
Old 03-02-2016, 08:27 PM
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Whoops!
Thanks for the clarification, NYC! My bad!
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Dramatis personae:
Me: 48/F, Monogamish? Divorced with 2 kids, 2 cats, a tarantula, and a 1930s house with many projects.
Chops: 49/M, Partner of 7 years.
Spinner: 53/M, Friend I went on a couple dates with. Divorced, Mono, "just friends".
Xena: 48/F, Chops' partner of 7 years
Curls: 51/F, Chops' partner of 2 years


Supporting Characters:
Choplet: Chops' son
DanceGirl: My oldest daughter
Pokégirl: My youngest daughter
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