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  #1  
Old 07-15-2015, 07:16 PM
hislittlekitten hislittlekitten is offline
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Question About to get a load of manipulation from my metamour

Some of you are familiar with my situation. My metamour is still struggling in her relationship with our shared partner and has requested to meet with me.

Initially, the gist of my response was this: we are in a V, my relationship is going well with him, if you have issues then we will bring it up together with him, and otherwise I'd like to know why you want to meet. This was not received well; I received a short, rude, passive-aggressive answer, and I had to bug my partner about it until she responded a little more like an adult.

So now we're meeting (again); while our first meeting supposedly went well, I learned a few months after that it had not and that she was still viewing me as competition. My partner promises that it's different this time, but it's been pulling teeth getting this woman to say it herself.

I view passive-aggressive behavior as attempts to control a situation. It clicked for me when my partner mentioned that he deals with her "ok whatever" attitude all the time. I almost took the bait, but thankfully didn't step over the line and made it clear that I am going to do what's in the best interest of me and my partner.

Any thoughts? Any ideas? Questions that might help you understand what's going on? I really don't know what I'm asking. I'm kind of venting. I've gotten very tired and rundown from all of this, especially since my relationship with my partner has been fantastic.
__________________

Monogamous (in relationships) female.
Open to non-monogamy, learning about poly now.

I'm in a "zig-zag"/"Vee":
In a primary relationship with Kit.
Kit has another partner, Letty, who is married to Trent.
Trent has a partner, Annie.
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  #2  
Old 07-15-2015, 08:09 PM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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So you are or are not in text communication with your metamour now? When did you make it clear that you are going to do what is in the best interest of your relationship with your partner? I am not sure what to make of you bugging your partner into bugging her into a more mature response to your reply. I know things have been off kilter with your metamour and with your partner perhaps letting her drama leak into your relationship. It sort of sounds like more of that happening here.

Leetah
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  #3  
Old 07-15-2015, 10:01 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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If you don't want to meet with her again you don't have to. Firmly say no, you have no interest in dealing with her and don't ask you again for another meeting.
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  #4  
Old 07-15-2015, 11:43 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I tend to agree with Inyourendo, consider saying no to a meeting with this metamour. It doesn't sound like she's acting any better, so what could a meeting with her accomplish? Tell Kit you changed your mind (I take it Letty is the metamour in question).

If you do meet with her, definitely insist that Kit be there also.
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Old 07-16-2015, 03:04 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Totally reasonable to want to know what she wants from this meeting. Because it is not your job to help her solve the (him + her) problems.

So when you asked clarifying questions about why she wants to meet -- rather than explain she sent you rude stuff.

I think that is reason enough to NOT meet with her. Who needs more drama in person? Honestly she sounds like an attention seeker. Like she doesn't care if it is good attention or bad attention so long as she's in the spotlight getting it all.

Could be more flat next time and not bug the hinge to get her to "behave." He is not her keeper.

Could reply to her email and CC hinge:
"At this time, I am not willing to meet to discuss (you + him) problems. Please talk to each other directly. Those concerns belong to (you + him.) Please do not involve me.

I am only willing to discuss 3 people concerns like calendar schedules and sex health hygiene labs. "
Then in future you can just play the broken record. Cut&paste the same answer every time she tries drama. Polite, short, and sweet: You do this stuff. You do NOT do this stuff.

Quote:
I've gotten very tired and rundown from all of this, especially since my relationship with my partner has been fantastic.
Only you can determine if the return is worth the investment.

He comes with another partner and she's gonna be around. This the price of admission to being here. If you don't like paying it any more, could break up with him and be rid of them both. Then you could not be drained any more.

I wish I could think of other solutions, but that's all I can see that you have direct control over.

1) Could decide to play the broken record for X number of times. (Pick a reasonable number for you. It wouldn't be 1000 times of this same old song, right?)

2) If it hits X times, you break up with him in order to be rid of her. Then strong boundaries are not needed. They no longer apply. You are free of this.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-16-2015 at 02:21 PM.
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  #6  
Old 07-16-2015, 05:36 AM
MightyMax MightyMax is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hislittlekitten View Post
Some of you are familiar with my situation. My metamour is still struggling in her relationship with our shared partner and has requested to meet with me.

Initially, the gist of my response was this: we are in a V, my relationship is going well with him, if you have issues then we will bring it up together with him, and otherwise I'd like to know why you want to meet. This was not received well; I received a short, rude, passive-aggressive answer, and I had to bug my partner about it until she responded a little more like an adult.

So now we're meeting (again); while our first meeting supposedly went well, I learned a few months after that it had not and that she was still viewing me as competition. My partner promises that it's different this time, but it's been pulling teeth getting this woman to say it herself.

I view passive-aggressive behavior as attempts to control a situation. It clicked for me when my partner mentioned that he deals with her "ok whatever" attitude all the time. I almost took the bait, but thankfully didn't step over the line and made it clear that I am going to do what's in the best interest of me and my partner.

Any thoughts? Any ideas? Questions that might help you understand what's going on? I really don't know what I'm asking. I'm kind of venting. I've gotten very tired and rundown from all of this, especially since my relationship with my partner has been fantastic.
If I remember rightly, you are both in competition with each other. You were desperate for her to acknowledge your place in his life, he used to text her during sex with you or something and a few of us said it sounds like you want your partner to be monogamous with you etc etc

I can't see how further contact between you will help very much. I'd decline and keep it email based, perhaps.
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  #7  
Old 07-16-2015, 11:52 AM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hislittlekitten View Post
....she was still viewing me as competition. My partner promises that it's different this time, but it's been pulling teeth getting this woman to say it herself.
There's no need to get her to say or admit to anything. If you don't want a competitive atmosphere, don't compete. There can't be competition in your world if you are not participating, no mater what anyone else is experiencing, doing or saying. There's no such thing as competition without two or more competitiors, so if you want to fade out the competitive vibe, don't look to her to drop her end of the rope, look within.
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Old 07-16-2015, 08:29 PM
hislittlekitten hislittlekitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leetah View Post
So you are or are not in text communication with your metamour now? When did you make it clear that you are going to do what is in the best interest of your relationship with your partner? I am not sure what to make of you bugging your partner into bugging her into a more mature response to your reply. I know things have been off kilter with your metamour and with your partner perhaps letting her drama leak into your relationship. It sort of sounds like more of that happening here.

Leetah
I am in text communication with her and I made it clear I am doing this in support of our shared partner after the initial response I gave her, which was that I would like to know what purpose she has for meeting.

I bugged him because after she approached me, and after I said that we're in a V / Kit and I are doing well / would prefer it be all three of us if there are issues, she went to HIM and said she didn't like my response. That was a red flag to me; that she insisted she wanted something (a dialogue with me) but, upon receiving a straight-forward (and not rude!) response, she went straight back to him.

Yes, the drama leaks a bit. I've told my partner that I refuse to allow the passive-aggressive behavior to continue with me. He enables her passive-aggressive behavior and apparently this happens constantly with her.
__________________

Monogamous (in relationships) female.
Open to non-monogamy, learning about poly now.

I'm in a "zig-zag"/"Vee":
In a primary relationship with Kit.
Kit has another partner, Letty, who is married to Trent.
Trent has a partner, Annie.
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  #9  
Old 07-16-2015, 08:33 PM
hislittlekitten hislittlekitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MightyMax View Post
If I remember rightly, you are both in competition with each other. You were desperate for her to acknowledge your place in his life, he used to text her during sex with you or something and a few of us said it sounds like you want your partner to be monogamous with you etc etc

I can't see how further contact between you will help very much. I'd decline and keep it email based, perhaps.
My gripe for a long time has been that she has considered me a temporary partner, even before Kit decided that he wants to have a primary relationship with me. She disregarded me from the beginning, yet I have always respected her place in his life.

And no, I don't want him to be monogamous with me, just FYI. But I am struggling with the way my metamour 'conducts' polyamory, if you will, by always doing these things.

edit: for the sake of transparency, we have also discussed other forms of non-monogamy, a few of which we're seeming to like (we have a shared FWB and a couple we intend to swap with), so... poly is still our bigger struggle, I guess.

So... maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but I will at least listen to her and let her talk soon. If she requests I change something, or brings up something she thinks is an issue (and should be discussed between the three of us), the meeting is over. I've told my partner this and he understands and doesn't fault me for it. I think he is suspicious of her motives as well.

Thanks also inyouredo and kdt26417. I appreciate the responses.
__________________

Monogamous (in relationships) female.
Open to non-monogamy, learning about poly now.

I'm in a "zig-zag"/"Vee":
In a primary relationship with Kit.
Kit has another partner, Letty, who is married to Trent.
Trent has a partner, Annie.

Last edited by hislittlekitten; 07-16-2015 at 08:45 PM. Reason: added info about our non-monogamy
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  #10  
Old 07-16-2015, 08:37 PM
hislittlekitten hislittlekitten is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Totally reasonable to want to know what she wants from this meeting. Because it is not your job to help her solve the (him + her) problems.

So when you asked clarifying questions about why she wants to meet -- rather than explain she sent you rude stuff.

I think that is reason enough to NOT meet with her. Who needs more drama in person? Honestly she sounds like an attention seeker. Like she doesn't care if it is good attention or bad attention so long as she's in the spotlight getting it all.

Could be more flat next time and not bug the hinge to get her to "behave." He is not her keeper.
Thank you, I agree with this. I think I probably took her bait when I did anything other than respond the way I'd intended to and waited for a response.

Quote:
Could reply to her email and CC hinge:
"At this time, I am not willing to meet to discuss (you + him) problems. Please talk to each other directly. Those concerns belong to (you + him.) Please do not involve me.

I am only willing to discuss 3 people concerns like calendar schedules and sex health hygiene labs. "
Then in future you can just play the broken record. Cut&paste the same answer every time she tries drama. Polite, short, and sweet: You do this stuff. You do NOT do this stuff.
Absolutely a great response. Thank you. I guess I will have to keep this in mind when I do let her meet with me this weekend (sigh).



Quote:
Only you can determine if the return is worth the investment.

He comes with another partner and she's gonna be around. This the price of admission to being here. If you don't like paying it any more, could break up with him and be rid of them both. Then you could not be drained any more.
Yes, I am finally reaching the point where this is starting to be enough for me. I've made it clear to him that this is getting to wear on me. I know it's wearing on him. Also, without divulging too much super-personal information, I do know that he has in mind how he feels about them breaking up.

Quote:
I wish I could think of other solutions, but that's all I can see that you have direct control over.

1) Could decide to play the broken record for X number of times. (Pick a reasonable number for you. It wouldn't be 1000 times of this same old song, right?)

2) If it hits X times, you break up with him in order to be rid of her. Then strong boundaries are not needed. They no longer apply. You are free of this.

Galagirl
I figure this will be her chance to talk to me and I'll see how reasonable she is. If she brings up an issue that Kit should be a part of, then the conversation is over. If she truly wants to get to know me and have a connection, then I will at least be open to that. I'll be honest - I'm suspicious of that, too, so I will be watching what I say. Anyone who is passive-aggressive the way she is strikes me as a manipulative person who won't stop at "no" and kindness.
__________________

Monogamous (in relationships) female.
Open to non-monogamy, learning about poly now.

I'm in a "zig-zag"/"Vee":
In a primary relationship with Kit.
Kit has another partner, Letty, who is married to Trent.
Trent has a partner, Annie.
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