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  #21  
Old 02-22-2015, 01:54 AM
Darkeztdoll Darkeztdoll is offline
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Yeah, it is kind of odd. Lol. I just believe if you love somebody you accept them as they are. Even if that means accepting that they love other people. I am also very independent and I think he deserves that same independence. I just want us to be free to enjoy our lives and a big part of that is love. I want us both to be free of any constricting possibly outdated moral code. That may get in the way of that. Which is why when we started dating again I suggested polyamory. I created the boundaries and for a while it worked. But it's obviously not working anymore.

And yeah, I have seen other people in the past. Though, I'm not seeing anyone seriously right now. A date here and there.
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  #22  
Old 02-22-2015, 02:00 AM
Darkeztdoll Darkeztdoll is offline
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And as far as me describing myself as anti-social. I'm just trying to put this in perspective. I like a very few select group of people. I'm a homebody, I keep to myself. I like my privacy-shorthand translates to kind of anti-social. I recently got a job on the weekends at a ren fair to kind of counteract that aspect of myself. Try to get more in the "big groups of strange people is ok" mentality. I know I have quirks that are less then ideal but, it's me and I'm trying.

Last edited by Darkeztdoll; 02-22-2015 at 02:02 AM.
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  #23  
Old 02-22-2015, 02:05 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Many of us here consider ourselves introverted. I always need recovery time after dealing with a lot of people at once in a social situation. I think when you say anti-social, that sounds a little harsh, but there is nothing wrong with being introverted.
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  #24  
Old 02-22-2015, 02:15 AM
Darkeztdoll Darkeztdoll is offline
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Yes, your right. "Introverted" sounds better.
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  #25  
Old 02-22-2015, 02:27 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I always thought I was an antisocial extrovert but now that I'm older I'm thinking im really a social introvert. I don't like social gatherings unless it's with people I actually want to spend time with. I go to stuff with Nate but honestly im bored and don't talk to anyone other than awkward chit chat. I'm pretty sure most people think I'm stuck up, I've been accused of that even as a young girl
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  #26  
Old 02-22-2015, 02:43 AM
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Hi Darkeztdoll,

As far as I know there's no rule in poly that says you have to befriend or even meet any of your metamours ... although if you do have to meet for some reason, you should at least be able to be polite to each other. And if you and a metamour are both involved enough with your SO to warrant spending holidays and special occasions together, then there will have to be scheduling, taking turns, and the possibility of problems like the Superbowl which you'll need to learn to work out harmoniously.

However it sounds like your SO is insisting that you rub shoulders with T, so I guess you'll have to make a decision whether you can stand to be around T as much as your SO wants you to. I think it's unfortunate he couldn't somehow compromise with you on this point. But if he won't compromise, then you'll have to either break up with him or alter your boundaries.

There's no rule that says you can't alter your boundaries. Your boundaries are yours. You just have to determine whether you can really eventually be happy with the alterations your SO is demanding. There's no sense in sending yourself down a tunnel that will only lead to resentment and unhappiness. But if you're optimistic about where the tunnel will lead, and you're willing to alter your boundaries, by all means do so.

Sorry T's letter was so patronizing. Let's chalk it up to the smoke that was left behind by the Superbowl drama; I'm sure everyone was in a bad mood about that.

I hope you'll be able to work out something that all three of you can live with.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #27  
Old 02-22-2015, 03:09 AM
Darkeztdoll Darkeztdoll is offline
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Wow, thank you so much Kevin T. That was... An incredibly objective response. I really appreciate it. Seriously, very helpful!
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  #28  
Old 02-22-2015, 04:28 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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I would describe myself as an anti-social introvert. I REALLY don't like interacting with people I don't know or don't have a personal connection with (despite the fact that I do it professionally).

That being said, I would have a really difficult time being okay with someone having a relationship with one of my boys (or even one of my FRIENDS) who wasn't willing to even be in the same LOCATION with me. What?!? I am so toxic that you can't even afford me the same courtesy that you would a stranger at the supermarket? We share a lover for christ-sake?!? We don't need to be best-buds or anything, but unable to share a public space? Nope. Too weird for me.
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  #29  
Old 02-22-2015, 01:41 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I am sorry you struggle.

If you want to try this compromise thing on for a time, you could. You can always change your mind later if it does not pan out being in same space as [(you +him) and her.]

Quote:
We keep saying repeatedly during these conversations "I love you and I want to be with you but I need ____." It's like a mantra at this point
I wonder more about this part ... The stuff between you and him.

These are needs to me.

http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

What needs are not being met here? Could you be willing to clarify?

I also wonder where your well being is in your considerations. Like this bit...

Quote:
It looks like I have to get on the wagon to happy friendly compromise town or lose my relationship...
Rather than it being about you being in a relationship or not being in a relationship here? Why is it not about what is healthy for you?

Are you able to step back and evaluate from that lens? Before you get all into making compromises and stuff.... Is this a healthy thing for you to even be in? You talk about feeling pressured, manipulated, etc.

You can arrange your polyships however it is you like with your people. I just hope you are doing it in ways that are healthy for you. And not like subsuming yourself to the relationship or doing things you really do not want to do just to avoid a break up or avoid badgering. Or hanging with "give an inch take a mile" types.

He was an ex before for a reason. Did those things ever get resolved or if this just more of same in new poly package? That might be something else to consider as you do your soul searching.

GL!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2015 at 02:27 PM.
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  #30  
Old 02-22-2015, 02:07 PM
Darkeztdoll Darkeztdoll is offline
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It' basically been me saying " I love you and I want to be with you, but I need time to heal from recent mishaps, before I can start to consider change.

He says" I love you and I want to be with you but I need for us to start changing and I need it now."

Oh I didn't see he rest of it on my phone... These are all valid points... Give me a sec to think about it...

Last edited by Darkeztdoll; 02-22-2015 at 02:10 PM.
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