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  #11  
Old 02-08-2015, 08:01 PM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is offline
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Daneilsen, welcome to the forum! You've gotten some great advise already. It's great that you are being open and considering a new relationship style--that's incredibly supportive, and big step given how quickly this is all happening.

One big thing to remember is that there is no reason to compare yourself to your wife's other relationships. You are you, and you are unique, therefore your relationship with her will be unique. Whether his equipment is bigger or smaller, or what they do in bed or out of it, that's part of their relationship, not yours. Just as what you and your wife share in the bedroom and out isn't part of their relationship. Just keep breathing, remember that everyone is different, and that is part of the what is appealing about poly! It's not a competition, it's just different experiences. It sounds like your wife loves you, and that you have a good sex life; so, focus on your wonderful, loving relationship and your own sex life. Let go of comparisons.

You can still hold your relationship with her sacred. Our society does still have a strong "virgin" complex that kind of gives the idea that, if a woman has sex, it somehow taints her. That's just not so, and is a leftover from very Victorian ideas of sex. Try thinking about sex not as a commodity, but something you share. Sharing with more than one person doesn't devalue sex or intimacy. Just because she shares with someone else does not mean, in any way, that what you are sharing together is less.

Keep reading, and talking, and being honest, and you'll do great!
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  #12  
Old 02-08-2015, 08:50 PM
Danielsen Danielsen is offline
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Oh wow, thank you so much for your response. All of this support is so helpful and I am starting to feel relaxed. I know a lot of the things I have said may bring one to believe that my marriage might not be very strong but I'm here to say the opposite I've have a very strong marriage with very strong support from her. My wife is a wonderful loving woman and she's given me no reason to believe that she would prefer one man over the other she loves me so much. I'm just dealing with my own personal insecurities here. I had an epiphany while out walking my dog just now. How is the love that she has for the two of us any different from the love she would have for two children. I want to have children with this woman and she wants to have kids with me too and I better be able to accept that she can love more than just one of our children. Thank you all so much im feeling so much better. I know I'm strong enough, our marriage is strong enough and there is plenty of love to go around.
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  #13  
Old 02-08-2015, 08:54 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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This is brilliant news, keep thinking like that !!!
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  #14  
Old 02-09-2015, 08:51 PM
Danielsen Danielsen is offline
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Hey guys, things have been going well for the most part, but today I think i'm dealing with jealousy, but I"m not sure. Whenever my wife talks about the two of them she explains how people assume they are dating because how close and goofy in love they are. I'm not sure how to deal with the pain that makes me feel inside. She's all in puppy love state with this guy having fun and where does that leave me? She also told me that If I was really adamant about them not being together she wouldn't have given up her marriage over this and they would have ended it. Makes me wonder if I just accepted it too easily. I was the only thing in their way now they can have their fun. Should I have stopped this? It also hurts when she tells me the story about them having feelings for each other and they tried to resist it, but couldn't and realized this was the only for things to work. How can she be so passionate about someone outside of her marriage? I'm the only one right? I dunno, I know I sound so selfish, but these are the demons on my shoulder talking and I need figure these things out in my head.
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  #15  
Old 02-09-2015, 09:32 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danielsen View Post
...Whenever my wife talks about the two of them she explains how people assume they are dating because how close and goofy in love they are. I'm not sure how to deal with the pain that makes me feel inside. ....
First of all, this stage is temporary. Googly emotions are often part of a new relationship, but eventually settle back into regular life.

Second, this level of sharing is not mandatory in poly relationships. Every couple develops how much and what kind of communication works best for them. Some people feel reassured by knowing their partner's intimacies, but I'll tell you that this would be waaaaaay TMI for me. This level of sharing would just not happen in my world, as it would feel insane and disrespectful to all concerned - way, way too many boundaries crossed here. Their shared experience of being in public is an intimate detail of their relationship. The amount of intimate info you want is completley up to you and your wife - and the other gentleman, not something you are supposed to do in PolyWorld. Is he OK with her sharing the intimate details of their relationship with you?
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 02-09-2015 at 09:37 PM.
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  #16  
Old 02-09-2015, 09:36 PM
Danielsen Danielsen is offline
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Yeah, everybody including him is really open and honest and we just have never had secrets. I don't really want that degree of openness to change. And neither does my wife she likes to be able to confide in me about their relationship and vice versa about my relationship with my wife to him.
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  #17  
Old 02-09-2015, 09:46 PM
Danielsen Danielsen is offline
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So you don't think I should be hear about their excitement at this new relationship. I mean It's not like I don't know what is going on when I'm not around. I just struggle to get it out of my head when I think about them. I want like a box to place it in my head so It won't bother me, some kind of rationale that will let me say hey this is alright and good for them. You know.
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  #18  
Old 02-09-2015, 10:23 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Being open and honest doesn't necessarily mean hearing every single detail about their time together. I would say consider what you're comfortable knowing, and set some boundaries.

For example, you might prefer hearing "We had a really good time at the restaurant" over "We were having so much fun at the restaurant that people thought we were a couple."

I'm a hundred percent open and honest with Hubby, but that doesn't mean I tell him a hundred percent of what's going on with S2. He set boundaries with me about what he considered TMI, and now before I tell him anything, I preface it with "Can I tell you about this thing S2 said?" or whatever. That doesn't mean I'm any less open and honest. Hubby knows I will tell him anything and everything he *wants* to know, which in my opinion is what being open and honest means. But I won't tell him the things he *doesn't* want to know, because that would be disrespectful of his boundaries and feelings.
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  #19  
Old 02-09-2015, 10:23 PM
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FallenAngelina FallenAngelina is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Danielsen View Post
So you don't think I should be hear about their excitement at this new relationship.
I'm not recommending what you should or shouldn't do - just pointing out that boundaries around getting intimacy reports are OK. TMI to me means, "Hey, I'm truly happy for you, but for whatever reason I don't need to wallow in right now, I'd like you to keep that info in your happy head and I'll be here in my happy head." Processing jealousy takes a hell of a lot of time, personal energy and privacy (in my experience.) I would not want to be hearing intimate updates on top of trying to process massively overwhleming feelings around a deep, meaningful relationship in my life. I'm just saying that it's OK for you (and anyone in a long term, loving relationship) to take some privacy. If you want to.



Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
Hubby knows I will tell him anything and everything he *wants* to know, which in my opinion is what being open and honest means. But I won't tell him the things he *doesn't* want to know, because that would be disrespectful of his boundaries and feelings.
Perfectly put.
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Last edited by FallenAngelina; 02-09-2015 at 10:27 PM.
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  #20  
Old 02-09-2015, 10:25 PM
Danielsen Danielsen is offline
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Thank you so much for that.
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anxiety, boundaries, jealousy, managing relationships, new lovers, new to poly, new to polyamory, newbies, overshare, overwhelmed, partners, sex, vee dynamics

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