Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-02-2010, 09:24 AM
CandyBunnii's Avatar
CandyBunnii CandyBunnii is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4
Default Semi-New to Polyamory.

Hi my name is CandyBunnii or CB for short. I'm semi-new to polyamory. I am bisexual and has had three poly relationships since finding out I'm poly 3 years ago. I'm currently in a relationship with the love of my life, my fiance... and with fiance's "doppelganger", whom I'll call Allen. Reason I call him a doppelganger is obvious, he's exactly like my fiance in every way asides from one or two personality differences, that they can be mistaken as twins!

Anyways, all three of us have been discussing this and we couldn't come up with an answer. When fiance and I get married and have Allen live with us, how do we explain to our families about the living situation? Ofcourse to his family, Allen will refer to me as his wife or girlfriend, whichever he prefers, and will refer my husband as his best friend. My husband will refer to me as his wife, and Allen as his best friend, and I will refer them both as my husband depending on who I'm talking to. But eventually our families will start asking us, "why don't you dump the best friend (aka tell him to get a place of his own) and move in together as husband and wife?".

This is something we haven't made up our minds about. We all decided to move away from our families and live together in one big house as lovers and best friends, but none of our family members are open-minded about polyamory and they ask too many questions. Plus, there's always the chance that the family members would want us to visit during the holidays or start asking for kids. This is the difficult part. We really don't know what to do in regards to our families except perhaps changing our names and cutting off ties indefinitely, but we're not willing to do that (it's too sad).

Any of you have any suggestions?
True Love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True Love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be and will not be.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-02-2010, 03:16 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Candy,

Sounds like you have a logical plan. At least for the short term. Longer term things will evolve as they will.
For those open enough to get their head around it - the BF/GF etc is fine. For the conservative - best friends gets it covered.

In the current economy and for a variety of other reasons - cohousing makes a lot of financial sense for increasing numbers of people. As does it in balancing time/responsibility challenges.

Just proceed like it's the perfectly normal, rational thing to do - which it is !

Reply With Quote
Old 04-04-2010, 05:26 PM
saudade saudade is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 139

CB, welcome! I'm in a similar position (the pivot on the vee, with two primary men... and I'm engaged to one of them too!), lucky us!

I agree with GroundedSpirit that group housing is an easy, straightforward answer, and that acting like you're behaving normally can often be key to having people accept it. In our case, it's been even easier: we co-house with half a dozen people, so we don't need to explain to anyone how many of us are romantically entangled if we don't want to. Instead, we just talk about how cheap our rent is and that we buy groceries communally.

I'm guessing from the way you describe things that you can't imagine coming out of the closet to all of your parents. It's worth considering if you haven't thought about it-- my vee is lucky enough that we've been able to, and met with largely positive responses from our families. (It hasn't all been positive feedback, but I feel like it's been worth it.)

Keep sharing on here-- I'll see you around! (And feel free to PM me if you want to chat about anything at all...)
"I was thorough when I looked for you, and I feel justified lying in your arms." - Chasing Amy
Reply With Quote
Old 04-05-2010, 05:12 AM
classycaveman's Avatar
classycaveman classycaveman is offline
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 82

Eventually I hope to be in a situation where this is a problem for me. I come from a strict Christian background. Divorcing my wife was a big deal, and I recently came out as an atheist to my immediate family. (Extended is another story. I don't see them much so don't see the need to tell them anything.)

I've been living with my parents for the last few months and one day they found out that I'd stayed the previous night at a woman's place, a woman I wasn't really in a relationship with. I confirmed that I'd had sex with her. My parents responded that this was something that we would need to discuss. (Ludicrous! I'm 30!! )

Anyways, what I ended up doing was saying, in an email to my dad, that since we had different value systems, we could go one of two ways. Either openness without judgement, or don't ask don't tell. He never mentioned it again.

It's unfortunate, because I really value open honest relationships, but sometimes all you can do is agree not to talk about it.

Good luck with whatever you eventually end up doing.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:54 PM.