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Old 02-12-2019, 01:16 AM
sunnyd sunnyd is offline
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Default Incarceration and polyamory?

Iíve read a bunch of books about polyamory and open relationships and have not found answers to my unique situation. My partner of many years is currently incarcerated and will be for another two years. He had been sober for a period of time, relapsed on drugs, and stole a bunch of thingsÖ If you were wondering why heís in prison. He has always been interested in open relationships, but I was always opposed to the idea. Now that he is incarcerated I am open to the idea of sleeping with/dating other people. I am not sure how to make him feel special or important to me when I cannot see him on a regular basis. We talk on the phone almost daily. He has brought up a bunch of different ideas, but I donít like any of them. For example, he suggested not sleeping at anyoneís house or not having more than three dates per month with the same person. I know he is afraid that I am going to leave him for someone else. Although I agree that this is possible and there are never any guarantees in relationships, I have loved him for many years and donít imagine spending my life with anyone else. How can I make him feel secure in our relationship while also being able to experience the things that I want to experience over the next two years?
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Old 02-12-2019, 03:37 AM
MayDecember MayDecember is offline
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Boy, that's tough hon. On both of you.

He does seem open to the idea, but does not want you to even come close to living together. You seem interested in letting more happen, and of course the fact is if Mr. Perfect might appear on stage any minute.

I would suggest as a start that you look into literature on coping with the whole prison thing, for both of you. But to establish that you are taking positive steps to understand his situation and do what these sources recommend.

Top off the commisary, a little black tar on the seam of a card, keester up a record tobacco mule, the basics you probably already know, lol. But seriously there has to be good literature out there. It will be uncommon to recommend beginning polyamory right after they slam the bars behind him, I imagine.

One thing I did was read a bunch of "recovery from infidelity" literature before I even let my wife talk me into boffing a sporting girl. Let alone take on a relationship.

It was nothing, the "practice runs" with sporting girls. Fun for both of us. And the first mistress too - wow, things were fantastic. Until just one little step too far. Something I did with explicit permission and outright encouragement. But a person can think they'll handle something fine and it turns out to be devastating.

It's bizarre but a fact that the first stripper was waaaay hard, whereas the first actual sex with another girl - it was fun for everyone. So you don't know what is going to happen. This one step did threaten her security, I understand. But so does boffing other girls in the first place!

Anyway, I put my "recovery" program into place immediately and it worked.

So in your situation, there may come a time when you feel like you don't want to lose your loved one currently in prison. And it's basically infidelity in terms of the feelings a person has, even though you are not cheating per se. So the things you do are roughly the same.

Having thought in advance about it is way better than dealing with it when crisis has arisen.

Last edited by MayDecember; 02-12-2019 at 03:43 AM.
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Old 02-12-2019, 05:54 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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This is tough because he is stuck in a place where he has zero control. That's going to exacerbate the insecurity he will feel about the relationship.

People who are insecure in their relationship will try to make rules to control their partner's other relationships. That's pretty common. I did a little bit of that when my wife and I opened our relationship.

One thing that might work is to respond to each rule suggestion with "Why do you want that rule?" That opens up a dialogue and you get to see where his head is at. Then maybe the two of you can reach a compromise.

At any rate, don't agree to any rules you know you can't keep. They end up being broken, but they usually weren't reasonable to begin with.
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Old 02-12-2019, 03:46 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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How long will he be in prison?
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
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Old 02-12-2019, 10:28 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello sunnyd,

It sounds like you want to make your partner feel secure, but you do not want to limit your poly experience in any way. You talk to him on the phone almost daily, and I hope when you do that you tell him over the phone how much you love and value him and that you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Even if it seems repetitive to keep repeating it every time, repeat it anyway. He needs that reassurance.

How often can you visit him in person? Once a week? Be sure to take advantage of every opportunity to see him. Also put as much money as you can afford into his commissary fund. And write him letters. Every little bit helps, every token of your affection. Little things to remind him of how you feel. Don't hold back.

Can you have other people sleep at your house? How would you feel about that? Can your partner stand to have you do that?

Sorry, I know this is a difficult situation for you.
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 02-12-2019, 11:23 PM
MayDecember MayDecember is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
How long will he be in prison?
She said two years.

That could mean sentenced to three, expecting to do two with good time. It could mean 2 years of sentence and it is 18 months to serve with good time, which is a pretty significant difference.

Either way though, a week is enough with romance to drive things into outer orbit.

It is a temptation to her, pushing boundaries because in jail we have no means of verifying anything. Phone, internet use, where we are going and what we are up to... he has no idea from jail.

There is little to do in jail, and we can dwell on things. But it is his responsibility to hit the gym, the library, to keep himself busy and not agonize over that which he has no control.
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Old 02-13-2019, 03:18 AM
sunnyd sunnyd is offline
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Thank you all for your responses! I agree. He needs reassurance. Iím happy do give him that as long as it doesnít get in the way of my poly experience (as one of you so aptly put it). He has served 1 of 3 years with 2 more to go. That would be the earliest he could get out. Heís a few states aka a plane ride + a hotel stay away so I can only visit every few months. We split up 2 years ago before he got incarcerated when he started using drugs again (after being in mostly in recovery for many years). We were apart for 1.5 years and then got back together 6 months ago. During the time we were apart I lost weight, started feeling good about myself, and discovered interest in sex and the kink realm especially. I donít want to put any of that on hold for the next 2 years. My partner always wanted an open relationship - with the primary motive being so that he can have sex with other women. I thought my interest would be strictly physical/sexual as well. But after I started dating people I realize that I enjoy the emotional connection as well. That is the part that scares my partner. Itís just hard to make him feel secure when we have very limited physical intimacy (no conjugal visits). Both of us are mostly straight - we have had sexual experiences with same gendered individuals but no relationships. Hope this helps clarify the situation a bit
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Old 02-13-2019, 02:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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If you (healthily) broke up with him when he was using, now you're back together with him (in a manner of speaking, since it's long distance and you can't have sex when you do visit), why do you now start dating others?

I'd say if you want this relationship (assuming it's actually a long runner and lasts, seeing as it's been sketchy from the start) to last, you need deep talks about what polyamory, or at least open relationship, means to both of you.

Obviously you don't want a One Penis Policy (OPP) as he'd like. Obviously he struggles with jealousy (feelings of demotion, fear of loss) now that you've started seeing others.

In your OP it wasn't clear you'd already started seeing others. You have new interest in kink, and you don't like having a bf you can't actually spend time with one on one, date, have sex! And you've struggled with his addiction issues. Maybe you really do, deep down, think you prefer a partner, or partners, who isn't an addict, recovering or otherwise...

You were overweight and had low self esteem and were dating an active addict/thief. You've now gained new respect for yourself. You might have outgrown your bf. You're together now only in that you have one phone chat a day. That's not much of a relationship, imo.

Your bf wants you to lessen possible intimacy with your new lovers by not seeing them more than 3x a month, not doing overnights at any guy's house. It seems he wants you to have fuck buddies at most. He doesn't want any feelings (fondness and love) to rise up. He thinks this will keep you loyal to him, definitely your primary. You first thought you could do that, but like most people, you've found that sexual intimacy leads to feelings like some version of love. That's natural! Sex does lead to bonding, fondness and love. That's how our hormones work!

If you want to lessen intimacy, like swingers do, you'd have to follow what they do. Limit eye contact. Don't kiss. Don't do non-sexual dating. Don't actually sleep together. Don't have frequent long phone or texting chats. Don't spend time after sex, lying around talking and cuddling. Some people can do this. Polyamorists can't.

When you bf wanted his OPP openness before, was he planning on only seeing others a max of 3x a month, no overnights, etc.? Or are these new hypocritical rules for you only, that he'd like to impose?

Are you OK with falling in love with others? Are you actually polyamorous, capable of loving more than one, or are you merely polysexual, and wanting lovers with your newfound kinks? It sounds like you may be polyamorous. Let your bf know this. Respect him that much to be honest. Open relationships can't work without complete honesty.

What happens if you are honest, and tell him you're falling for this or that new guy? Would that throw him? Is there a possibility he'd get so upset he'd start using drugs again?? Is he going to AA or another therapy program in the prison?

Is your bf open to exploring kink when he gets out? Is he definitely going to stay clean and sober once he's faced with the stress of life outside prison? What kind of plans does he have to maintain sobriety, now and in the future?

Since he was the one wanting more than one partner before he went to prison, he can't very well complain you want that now. Stand up for yourself. Don't allow a double standard. You deserve a compatible clean partner, or partners, if that is what you want. Now, and even when bf gets out.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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Old 02-13-2019, 08:24 PM
sunnyd sunnyd is offline
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I broke up with him two years ago shortly after he relapsed because it instantly made my life to unmanageable. I am also sober and have been an active member of a 12 step program for 12 years. Thatís where I met my partner 10 years ago. I started dating someone six months after he and I initially broke up. The relationship lasted for about nine months. That is when I discovered kink. That relationship was hyper sexual and thatís when I started thinking about open relationships. I also realized that I was in love with the person I was in the nine-month relationship for as well as my incarcerated partner. I have been dating other people since me and that person broke up. I do think I am polyamorous under the current conditions, but donít think I am interested in pursuing this when he gets out of prison. If I were to explore any sort of open relationship dynamic with me and my current partner it would most likely be a strictly sexual one, like a swinger situation Honestly monogamy is not that difficult for me and the communication it takes to have an open relationship does not seem worth itÖ To me anyway. I was dating someone for a few weeks and started to develop some sort of feelings for. My partner since this and that is when all hell broke loose. Before that he was OK with me sleeping with people in a one night stand type of situation. I have since ended the relationship but my partner and I both now know that the possibility exists that I could have feelings for someone else. I am glad he is using his support I was dating someone for a few weeks and started to develop some sort of feelings for. My partner senses this and that is when all hell broke loose. Before that he was OK with me sleeping with people in a one night stand type of situation. I have since ended that relationship but my partner and I both now know that the possibility exists that I could have feelings for someone else. I am glad he is using his support system to help him cope with all of this. He has a sponsor from his old home group that he is still in contact with, attends meetings in the facility he is at, and intends on doing so once he gets out. No guarantees for any of us though.
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Old 02-13-2019, 10:16 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I couldn't do it, so I guess you're a stronger person than I am. Or maybe I'm just too judgmental.
Me: 36 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant woman.
My People:
Henry, 31yrs, my husband & collared submissive (4yrs), poly, pansexual, currently no other partners.
Charles, 26yrs, my boyfriend (Aug 2018), poly, heteroflexible, currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 43yrs, ex girlfriend but very close friend.
Mark/xH, ex husband of ten years.
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