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  #21  
Old 02-09-2019, 08:03 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MayDecember View Post
Gosh, you sure think badly of my mistress. None of us do. Not my wife, not herself, not her family, not anyone we know. She would say that it reflects on the person looking down at her to think "mistress" is a snide label of some kind.

I encourage you to not use a pejorative connotation to something very dear to us, please. I just didn't know, I had to ask twice about what structure you were trying.
To be fair, you're the only person on this board who refers to their other significant other as a mistress. It does have bad connotations. It implies cheating. You use it idiosyncractically. A new member can't be expected to know that.

Even in aristocratic circles, where often a man would have a wife for breeding and a mistress for actual living with and socializing, and fun sex, she was assumed to be, at most, an "unofficial" wife. And often the legal wife was in distress she'd taken so much of her husband's time and energies and love away.
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  #22  
Old 02-10-2019, 07:38 PM
Sept91lee Sept91lee is offline
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After reading the replies Iíve been able to think a bit deeper about this. Hank you all for that. I know he loves me. I just donít value his love.
I donít value it because in societies eyes, Iíll always be the mistress or second. And that makes me feel cheap.
I think Iím his eyes, Iíll always be second too, just because heís known her longer and already married to her.
It makes me feel bad about myself and thatís why the relationship isnít working. I just donít feel like Iím respecting myself.
I think I either need to learn to value his love for what it is or move on.
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  #23  
Old 02-11-2019, 01:00 AM
Sept91lee Sept91lee is offline
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Maybe I was maybe looking for someone to tell me otherwise...
That marriage is stupid and doesn’t matter. That he could love me just as much.

but all of your input has been really helpful to me. Thank you for that.

Last edited by Sept91lee; 02-11-2019 at 01:07 AM.
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  #24  
Old 02-11-2019, 02:11 AM
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PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sept91lee View Post
Maybe I was maybe looking for someone to tell me otherwise...
That marriage is stupid and doesn’t matter. That he could love me just as much.

but all of your input has been really helpful to me. Thank you for that.
It doesn't really matter what any of us believe about marriage. It only matters what you believe. If you're looking for proof that it's possible to love another person as much as your legal spouse, there's plenty of proof of that. Just look in the blog section.... Lots of examples of people with two co primaries or two spouses either all living together or living in multiple homes with the time split between spouses. Sure only one spouse can be the legal spouse but many poly people go to great lengths to ensure as equal rights as possible for all of their loves. Just look at Bluebird's blog. And then there are others, like me, that do not wish to have legal entanglements with anyone else but still value their partners.

What no one here can tell you is whether your partner is capable of loving you and treating you as well as he treats his wife.
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  #25  
Old 02-11-2019, 04:36 AM
Evie Evie is offline
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Of course he could love you just as much.

Try reading some of the blogs here and you'll see people living their lives with two (or more) equally loved and secure partnerships. For example, Bluebird and Dagferi consider both their partners as equals. Polyamory becomes normalised for those living it and often those who they are friends with. Perhaps some time socialising in person with other polycules would help? Look for local meets, or advertise your own.
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  #26  
Old 02-11-2019, 07:55 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I don’t value it because in societies eyes, I’ll always be the mistress or second. And that makes me feel cheap.
I think I’m his eyes, I’ll always be second too, just because he’s known her longer and already married to her.
It makes me feel bad about myself and that’s why the relationship isn’t working. I just don’t feel like I’m respecting myself.
I don't think anyone, including poly people who are ok sharing love with more than one partner, would feel ok if they are not respecting themselves, their values, and their personal limitations.

Point blank -- poly is NOT for everyone. If you just don't groove on that? You just don't. No need to bend yourself into pretzels about it.

Quote:
I think I either need to learn to value his love for what it is or move on.
Aren't you already doing that? You value his love for what it is already -- and you find it is not enough for you or in the way you want to feel happy participating in the relationship. So... could move on. Stop participating.

How other poly people experience or value love isn't going to change how YOU experience and value love.

This was supposed to be a casual one night fling, and you ended up forming emotional entanglements. Stop doing one night flings if keeping them casual is a problem for you. That is part of honoring your personal limitations. Not everyone can do them or wants them.

I guess you could try poly with other people since you don't like how this guy does it with the veto and not wanting to you date anyone but him... but you don't really sound like you want poly in general anyway. So that doesn't sound like a realistic option in this situation.

Could go after what YOU really want -- an exclusive relationship that has a chance at marriage. There's nothing wrong with that or with wanting that.

I think there is something wrong with you trying to bend yourself into pretzels trying to make a thing that won't fly... fly anyway.

Quote:
Maybe I was maybe looking for someone to tell me otherwise...
That marriage is stupid and doesn’t matter. That he could love me just as much.
Marriage is not stupid for those who want it and value it. You DO want it and value it, and talking yourself OUT of what you value just to keep going with this guy? That is like being your own con man. That's not honoring or respecting your values/yourself.

I think you are struggling with break up grief. Like deep down you know it's probably best, you already made plans to move away... and here it is. Time to tell him and actually pull the plug.

And maybe you are finding it hard now that is actually here because he's tugging at your heart strings with offers to move in with him and so on. If listening to his grief over the break up makes it harder for you? Remember you are a breaking up. It's not your job to help him with his emotional management around that. You have your own to tend to.

Quote:
but all of your input has been really helpful to me. Thank you for that.
You are welcome. I hope in time you start to feel better.

Go after what you REALLY want. Don't sit around here with this guy or doing poly just "making do." If a relationship with this guy cannot give you want you REALLY want? If poly cannot give you what you REALLY want?

Don't do either one.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-11-2019 at 12:16 PM.
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  #27  
Old 02-11-2019, 08:31 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I love both of my husbands very much.

But I do not put one on a pedestal over the other.. Neither one has power over the others relationship with me.

I split my time equally between homes I share with both. I own property with each man. I own pets with each man. I travel and share life events with both. Both have medical power of attorney and both are beneficiaries of my estate.

The only reason I am legally married to Butch is to get survivors benefits from his pension and to be one his health insurance. He has very very good health benefits.
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  #28  
Old 02-11-2019, 08:55 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from Sept91lee):
Quote:
"Maybe I was looking for someone to tell me otherwise ... that marriage is stupid and doesn't matter. That he could love me just as much."
FWIW, I am not married to my partner, and she is married to another man. However, I am completely confident that she loves me just as much as she loves him. That doesn't mean marriage is stupid, if anything perhaps it's an illustration of why it would be nice if we had legal poly marriage. My partner views me as her husband, just as much as she does her legal husband. I'm sure she would legally marry us both if she could.

*Could* your boyfriend love you just as much as he loves his wife? Yes. He could. *Does* he love you just as much? No. I don't think so.
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  #29  
Old 02-11-2019, 09:32 PM
Sept91lee Sept91lee is offline
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I donít think he does because he hasnít known me as long.
I also feel like he tries too hard to make me happy. Does that make any sense? Like itís not a natural flow, but heís trying very hard and I feel like he canít keep this up for very long. I also feel myself being abusive towards him because of my resentments. Like not being affectionate or giving him the silent treatment.
Itís too hard to give my all to someone who only gives me half of his. I feel like itís important he knows Iím not happy with him all the time and I can feel myself being a bit of a bully sometimes.

I donít think he treats me as an object? He hasnít forbid me to date anyone else. Just stated that he wouldnít be as happy. He has the same attitude about his wife dating others. She says when she brings it up, he gets mopey and sad.
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  #30  
Old 02-11-2019, 09:44 PM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
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I know of one guy who has successfully maintained two marriages for decades with the insistence that both remain monogamous. These women are not governed by religion and do not share a home with each other, I might add. So the only thing keeping them in this is their love for him. There is a BDSM dynamic where both are submissive to him.

However, to make this work, he gets up at 4am every day and swaps homes so one wife goes to bed with him and the other wakes up with him. He has ensured that both wives have equal legal protection, financially and medically. They are "out" everywhere to ensure equality. He works incredibly hard to ensure his wives are fulfilled by a monogamous marriage to a polyamorous man. He knows he couldn't demand this set up unless he more or less gives them everything they'd get from a monogamous husband.
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