Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 01-22-2019, 10:16 AM
MrMark MrMark is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 46
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
It's not any more fair that she denies her need either, just because you're fine being closed.

I don't think the concept of "fairness" helps in these discussions. Just realize that you are two different people with different needs. Your task as a couple is to honour both perspectives while together, or else part ways.

I'm sorry this is so hard.
I don't understand this. She is not entitled to open up just because she is bisexual. We have agreed on our rules and staying within those rules is fair. Changing them to benefit just one person is not.

We have a solution now, I think it will be ok.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-22-2019, 10:18 AM
MrMark MrMark is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 46
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SEASONEDpolyAgain View Post
None of the things that you feel will be protected by keeping it to women will be protected. She could just as easily leave you for a woman as she could a man. If you can't accept her dating whoever she wants and vice versa, stay closed or split up.
That is not factually correct.

Let's assume that she would date a guy and get pregnant in couple of years. What if the baby is not mine? That would be 8 wasted years and I would need to find another partner to have a life with.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-22-2019, 11:19 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,473
Default

What if YOU get someone pregnant?

What if you fall in love?
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-22-2019, 11:20 AM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 187
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMark View Post
That is not factually correct.

Let's assume that she would date a guy and get pregnant in couple of years. What if the baby is not mine? That would be 8 wasted years and I would need to find another partner to have a life with.
She could date guys with a vasectomy. Or, like many non monogamous networks, you could help co-parent a child who isn't biologically related to you. She could refrain from vaginal sex without 2 methods of contraception. If you and her want to try for a baby, she could keep to oral, manual and anal sex with other male partners to ensure paternity.

I know a good few guys who would be fine with a partner who only has oral and anal sex with them. They'd find it hot as hell in fact.

I think you'd both be better served by facing your insecurities and opening your relationship without gender restrictions or keeping it closed.

What about a transwoman? many trans women (even with penises) cannot conceive a child. Or someone non-binary. Where would they fit into your rules?
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 01-22-2019, 11:40 AM
MrMark MrMark is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 46
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
What if YOU get someone pregnant?

What if you fall in love?
If I were to catch feelings, I would just end the thing and get over those feelings. Just like you do with crushes. I have plenty of experience with fwb:s before I met my gf and I have never before been in love. I think that the chances of that happening are slim at best.

More interesting is that if I were to get someone pregnant. Well, I am not the one who would be carrting the child for starters and if we were to be married, there would be a test to determine if the kid was mine for that other woman. But the funny thing is that if my gf/wife would get pregnant, the kid would atuomatically be mine. If my gf/wife would refuse the test, I would have nothing left to do than become a father. Even if I tested the kid myself, it does not matter.

Also a guy will not get custody over the mother even if he wanted to. If I don't want the custody and the woman would not want that either, then there would be abortion.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 01-22-2019, 11:44 AM
MrMark MrMark is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 46
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SEASONEDpolyAgain View Post
She could date guys with a vasectomy. Or, like many non monogamous networks, you could help co-parent a child who isn't biologically related to you. She could refrain from vaginal sex without 2 methods of contraception. If you and her want to try for a baby, she could keep to oral, manual and anal sex with other male partners to ensure paternity.

I know a good few guys who would be fine with a partner who only has oral and anal sex with them. They'd find it hot as hell in fact.

I think you'd both be better served by facing your insecurities and opening your relationship without gender restrictions or keeping it closed.

What about a transwoman? many trans women (even with penises) cannot conceive a child. Or someone non-binary. Where would they fit into your rules?
This is somewhat irrelevant, because there is no need for me to buy what you are trying to sell. It was a factual correction for you.

Anyway I will respond.

Vasectomy is not at all common here. Very, very few guys go that route.

Why would I want to coparent someone elses kid? I want my own family, thank you.

Again, there is no reason for me to consent on that. I don't want that so it will not happen. It would absolutely not be good for me. That is just ridiculous.

And lastly, that is a huge no. Even worse than a guy. I could not live with a person who would be dating a [removed by moderator].

Last edited by Emm; 01-22-2019 at 12:40 PM. Reason: Keep it civil, please.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 01-22-2019, 12:06 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,473
Default

More personal questions, you don't have to answer publicly: If you can sleep with girls, is the problem of her dating girls solved for you? Or will you still get resentful with time? Will you still blame her for not wanting to stick to your original monogamous agreements?
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 01-22-2019, 12:10 PM
MrMark MrMark is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 46
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
More personal questions, you don't have to answer publicly: If you can sleep with girls, is the problem of her dating girls solved for you? Or will you still get resentful with time? Will you still blame her for not wanting to stick to your original monogamous agreements?
It is not solved, it would be a compromise for me. I don't know if I would be resentful but there is at least a chance that I would not be.

If I agree on something, then the blame is on me for agreeing.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 01-22-2019, 02:21 PM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 187
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMark View Post
This is somewhat irrelevant, because there is no need for me to buy what you are trying to sell. It was a factual correction for you.

Anyway I will respond.

Vasectomy is not at all common here. Very, very few guys go that route.

Why would I want to coparent someone elses kid? I want my own family, thank you.

Again, there is no reason for me to consent on that. I don't want that so it will not happen. It would absolutely not be good for me. That is just ridiculous.

And lastly, that is a huge no. Even worse than a guy. I could not live with a person who would be dating a [removed by moderator].
Okay. I see the last bit has been addressed. Moving very swiftly on. The reason I'd argue that you do need to buy what I am selling is because of what you originally said wasn't fair.

Firstly, it's important to understand that your mindset about this isn't anything new to most of us. Most of us have heard every single reason why people feel they must have gender based restrictions and seen where and why they work out over the long term for only a minority of people.

With your case, I'm guessing that your partner doesn't want you to date women for pretty much the same reasons you don't want her to date men: Fear of replacement. You feel that another man would naturally threaten your positon as her man in ways that a woman would not. She feels the same about other women. The thing is, she is bi and you are not. So that leaves her with the option of dating women and you the option of learning to be attracted to men to achieve some sort of equality in an open relationship. You said you don't feel this is fair. You can't help that you aren't bi.

That's why I am suggesting that the way forward is to both accept that a gender based restriction will not protect your relationship. Monogamy won't even guarantee that neither of you will fall out of the love with the other or in love with someone else. If you can both work on developing a different mindset, it will allow you both the freedom to date who you are attracted to rather than creating an unequal situation where you are forced to accept a One sided open relationship due to your sexuality.

You might be interested to know that I have known of bisexual people in heterosexual relationships who have tricked their partner into doing emotional labour that they were not prepared to do by encouraging them to pursue these lines of thought. What they ended up with is a monogamous partner taking care of the house and family duties while they got to have fun and sexy nights with other people of the same sex. Some of those would become deeply entangled relationships. I'd make sure that isn't happening to you.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01-22-2019, 02:40 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 1,473
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrMark View Post
It is not solved, it would be a compromise for me. I don't know if I would be resentful but there is at least a chance that I would not be.

If I agree on something, then the blame is on me for agreeing.
I have no problem with the gender restriction if she's fine with it. It depends on her motivation. If she, in fact, wants to date guys too, then I'm not sure it will work.

But I'm not sure 'compromise' without deep understanding and acceptance is enough here.
I see you're taking on responsibility for making the agreement. That's nice, and it helps conflict resolution later. But if you DO become resentful, then what? Do you expect yourself to suck it up? And if she can't handle the first time you're with another girl and she can't handle it, do you expect her to suck it up?

I hope not.
Poly doesn't work under such a rigid mindset. Every rigid unchangeable agreement you make will come back to hunt you - just as your monogamous agreements aren't working for your girlfriend now.

What I encourage you to do instead is baby steps.
Maybe your "open just for girls" agreement will work for you eventually.
But for now, go slow and commit to doing inner work as you go on - both of you. Try to understand with an open mind what she's missing in a monogamous relationship. Read up on open relationships more. Visit a poly meeting and a swinger's club and just talk to the people there, see what good stuff they get out of being open. Go to a kink event, if that's your thing. Invite a girl out just for dinner. Let your gf snuggle with a friend (if they are up for it), and just see if anything about your relationship changed. Disentangle a bit, think about granting each other more independence. Examine your beliefs about sex and why sexual exclusivity is needed.

Keep a goal in mind (like partially open with both people happy), and work towards it, always just stretching as far as possible at the moment.
__________________
Me: female, 29
Idealist: my partner, 39
Meta: live-in partner with Idealist, 44
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:57 AM.