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  #41  
Old 02-18-2019, 01:01 AM
Leetah Leetah is offline
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Great to hear! Thanks for the update and the hard won words of wisdom.

Leetah
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  #42  
Old 02-18-2019, 07:29 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Luck wished. I'm glad to hear that things are going better now.
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  #43  
Old 02-19-2019, 03:33 PM
JackDarlene JackDarlene is offline
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"...my kind of jealousy is more of a I-am-so-much-better-why-would-he-waste-his-time-with-her-when-he-could-be-with-me?…

I have found no information on how to handel this kind of jealousy in any self-help forum so far."

If two people voluntarily spend time together, it's because something in each of them meets a need in the other (whether or not that need is even recognized or acknowledged). If he's 'wasting his time with her' it's because she meets a need of his. Whether he's aware of what that need is or willing/able to recognize it is another matter. It's not something that you can do anything about ... it just is. If you can't live with it and can't get past it, you may want to consider whether continuing the relationship will meet Your needs.

Just a thought.
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  #44  
Old 02-24-2019, 03:32 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kindalosthere View Post
Hello beautiful people!....

So, I guess that’s what I wanted to share: I’m happy, I’m hopeful and I’m still moving. Wish me luck!
Best of luck in your relationship and all of your endeavors!
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JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-always-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (27+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (9+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


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  #45  
Old 02-24-2019, 05:27 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Thanks for the update, kindalost. No, I'm not surprised to see you back here. Venting here and getting advice was helpful to you last year, so it's only natural you'd want to share your progress.

I'm glad Arthur and Brianna finally broke up! So much fighting! I almost had to laugh at her insistence you and he make up a written relationship contract (again reminding me of Big Bang Theory), just because she had one with him.

I'm glad a therapist is helping Arthur heal from his breakup. It shouldn't all be on you.

Do either of you have real life friends that understand polyamory and can be sounding boards for you around how to do poly? Or is it only here and with a therapist that you can figure things out?

I think it's fine to "rest" on both sides and be Closed for as long as you want. Your relationship got off to a rocky and, may I say, unnatural start. Why not just enjoy the normal getting to know you fun and dates now?

One little red flag is how you're imagining maybe at some point you'll open on your side for some casual sex only. Doing casual sex takes a certain precautionary skill set. Sex is bonding and often causes feelings, and then there you'll be... polyamorous again. When you're not really ready for it.
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Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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  #46  
Old 05-23-2019, 01:08 PM
Kindalosthere Kindalosthere is offline
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Hello Partypeople
Yes, again, I feel like you all deserve an update: Everything is fine. I’m still with Arthur, we’re still monogamous and like any other couple (regardless of relationship style) we have our little highs and lows. The problems have become so mundane though that I find myself laughing at them from time to time (e.g. he always puts cups on top oft he dishwasher instead in them, i alwas put the hairbrush in „the wrong“ drawer,…).

I stopped seeing the therapist – party because I feel like we got tot he root of a lot of my insecurities, partly because I felt while the sessions were helping me identifying the issues, they weren’t reall helping in a constructive way (whcih I hope i was able to find alone now). Arthur is doing better as well, though of course he has his bad days (especially since Brianna keeps inserting herself in his life by e.g. visiting his parents or sending ‚closure‘-letters) but overall I think we are both steady.
Sometimes I’m still struggeling a little with conflating the disparity of our experiences with Brinanna – him having experienced her as a positive long-term-partner, me having experienced her as a mainly negative influence on my relationship – but I think that might be something we all experience with our partners at some level (e.g. I once was with a guy who’d had a adultescent period of extreme religiousness, which I found hard to put together with his – and our shared – current view oft he world). Luckily, Arthur is very understanding and beeing able to talk to him about this openly is helping a lot.

@Magdlyn Arthur has made it rather clear that he doesn’t think he’ll be up for poly again in any forseable time and has admitted (albeit indirectly) that he believes neither him nor Brianna might never really have been polyamorous, but really just looking for a way to keep their dying relationship alive. It was scary for me, as this of course changed our realtionship dynamic and I have struggeled in traditional monogamous relationships before, but after a lot of soulsearching and talking we have agreed on monogamy.
Therapy helped a lot with bringing awareness to the insecurities I have that I used to fix with sexual attention and has made it easier to find ways to get the external reassurence I need in other capacities (e.g. I make a list of nice things people said to me at the end oft he week, but only nice things about my character like „my boss thinks i’m a quick thinker“ or „my prof said I was a hard worker“ or I make lists with things I like about my own character).

So for now, beeing with Arthur and exploring this and the if’s and how’s and what’s of a possible future together seems to be enough for me
Thank you again for all your advise and help during this really crazy time of my life!
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  #47  
Old 05-23-2019, 10:29 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Kindalost, thanks for sharing that update. It sounds like things are going relatively well for you, maybe not perfect, but you are getting things figured out. Namaste!
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