Chapter # 3
I am back here again… this subject of having kids seems to haunt me
I guess this time I just need to vent. That being said, I welcome all comments!
A year has passed since my last posts on this thread, and I am not getting any younger. The medical treatments are done, I am in good health now, and I should still be fertile. I decided to give it a try, and we are officially trying to conceive now. Without any luck so far.
What has changed hugely is my inner world. Now I do feel the urge to procreate and have all the warm fuzzies about both a pregnancy and the thought of having a child - but, here is the twist: I want to have a baby with my new boyfriend Jeremy and not with CJ! As a timeline: we had started TTC with CJ before Jeremy entered the picture.
This urge to have Jeremy’s baby is very strong and has been since the very beginning of our relationship. First I thought that it is all about NRE - and yes, it very well might be that. However, I do think that Jeremy would be a great dad. He also would want to be a dad, and would really like to co-parent with me. I have known him for quite a while before our romantic connection started and I’ve seen him around kids, so there is some basis to my belief of his parenting skills.
Then there is the fact that me and CJ have been trying to conceive for a while now, and nothing is happening. I have reasons to believe that Jeremy might be more fertile than CJ - at least he is younger, considerably so. I guess there is the infamous biological clock ticking for me, too, and I think getting pregnant would be more likely with Jeremy.
So far I have been sticking to the plan of trying to have a baby with CJ. He does want a child with me. Considering the situation as a whole I think it would be best if CJ is the bio dad. I live with him and thus the baby would be living with him, too. CJ has said that he does not want to have any other child around him but his own biological one - and it really is okay to want that. In addition, CJ does not really like Jeremy and definitely would not want to raise Jeremy’s child.
This all makes me feel sad. I am having these rose-colored day dreams about a baby (well, in my dreams I see a lovely little toddler, maybe a 2-year-old) and about co-parenting with Jeremy and then the reality hits me. My nice little poly bubble would burst if I followed this urge, and the one to suffer most would be the child itself. I just need to remember the reality and not do anything stupid.
But, at least now I know an answer to the original question
Yep, the biological urge can be very strong and until one experiences it there is no way to understand.