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Old 06-11-2012, 06:15 PM
WonderingSue WonderingSue is offline
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Default Polys opinions about monos exploring poly appreciated

Would like your opinions on something that has been bothering me. I let a crush know that I liked her and she responded that she needed someone who was heavily into kink (s&m), and knew I would not be able to provide that. We didn't even discuss that I am interested in poly. (When we first met, I'd apparently given her the impression that I was mono and vanilla). Having been exposed to her poly world (for the last year), I feel like exploring both worlds.

Recently she commented that her OSO's girlfriend was in over her head, since she was vanilla and not kinky. That the relationship will probably not last.

Still feeling a little slighted, I am wondering, do most poly folks feel the same about someone like me? That we can't change? Have you always felt "poly", even when you didn't have the word for it? Thanks.
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Old 06-11-2012, 08:08 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I have always felt poly to some extent, but not everyone has. Some poly people however have strong ideas about what "all polys" are or are not. Things like kinky, geeky and pagan come up a lot. But there are many polys who are not these things.

I think you should tell her how you feel. And I assure you being poly doesn't really depend on what other things you are, as much as some people seem to believe it does. So don't worry about it.
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Old 06-11-2012, 09:51 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I feel like there's really two different issues going on here. It seems to me like her comments are focused on being kink which doesn't have anything to do with being poly. I can understand her thinking that someone who needs a certain kind of kink in their relationships is not going to do well with someone who cannot provide that kink. I can also understand feeling that someone who is new to kink could be overwhelmed.

But none of that has anything to do with being mono previously and looking into poly. As long as you're honest with the people you date (something along the lines of "I agree with/am interested in the principles of poly but I don't know how I'll actually react so please be patient." gives them a chance to decide if they want to get involved with you) I don't see any problem with you "trying" poly. We all had our first experience with poly at some point, even if we felt poly before we knew the word. No one can know for sure what's going to happen in any attempt at a relationship, so as long as you're being open and honest and not using people to "experiment" on, what's the problem?
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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Old 06-12-2012, 01:52 PM
WonderingSue WonderingSue is offline
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I agree that there are two separate issues (poly and kinky), and I wonder if she mentioned kinky as a way to let me down easy. I am trying to maintain the friendship and act "normal'.

It was her comment implying her gf's gf can't change that led me to wonder if most polys feel like she did. Because she's always been/felt poly, that she might have a hard time seeing someone who had not previously identified as such to "convert".

I don't know if it's worth discussing, and definitely don't want her to think I am bringing it up to try to change her mind about dating me. We're pretty close friends but on reflection, probably would not be a good match. And for a lesbian, I am horrible at processing.
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Old 06-17-2012, 04:27 AM
Dreamy Dreamy is offline
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From what I can tell, a lot poly folks won't try a relationship with someone inexperienced. It is understandable if you realize most of them got burned badly, and usually more than once

Within kink, it also makes sense that some are willing to work with a newbie and some aren't. It's their choice. If they are used to giving/receiving intense pain, I could see them not wanting to scale it back 20 fold for a newbie.

She might be picking up what kind of vibe/energy you have and making assumptions about what BDSM you would be into. In general someone submissive wants someone Dominant, so why waste their time with someone giving off a submissive vibe? Same for Dominants. Of course there are more roles than simply submissive or Dominant, but we often have a gut feeling whether someone complements us.
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Old 06-17-2012, 07:15 AM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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I can't speak to the kink aspect of this question.

I can say that many of us have the experience of dating someone poly-curious or transitioning to poly only to realize well into the connection that poly isn't right for them. This results in heartache (and sometimes drama).

I've recently had this experience (as detailed in my blog). It is hard. And, certainly hard to repeatedly and knowingly expose yourself to. Many poly folks are as a result very hesitant to date those who are exploring poly for the first time. It is heart protection. It is not about you as an individual.

I'm still a bit torn about this. I've had the experience - twice already - in a relationship ending hard because of a reversion back to monogamy. At the same time, someone had to take a chance on me as I explored poly. And, I appreciate her greatly for that. I guess I'm likely to continue to give compelling newbies the benefit of the doubt.

It puts my heart at risk. But, I guess that for me that's just part of living life fearlessly. I'm doing my best to do just that.
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Old 06-17-2012, 02:21 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I also can't talk about the kink side of things, but can talk about the dating poly newbies.

I have had three relationships where when I met the person, they had never heard of poly. When I talked to them about it, they seemed interested and curious. So we talked at length about what it would mean, and, while it was different each time, eventually we fell in love.

The relationships lasted from a few weeks to a few years. They were always a challenge - trying to deal with the societal conditioning, and trying to work out what they really felt about poly. There were always struggles with them not respecting my existing relationship and wanting more, more, more. Dialogue between the three of us was very tough, to the point of being dysfunctional.

In the end, each one of them decided that poly wasn't for them. One of them had the decency to tell me straight-out, the others started looking for a "replacement" without telling me (in other words they cheated on me) and THEN dumped me.

It hurt a lot each time, not because they ended up deciding they were mono - I always knew that that was a possibility, it was more the continuous work of the day-to-day of the relationship dynamic and in the two case,s the ugly ways it ended, which were very hurtful for me.

I am in a long-term mono/poly relationship and that takes a lot of work by its very nature. Adding in more doubt and complexity pushed it to the point where some of the time it barely seemed worth it.

Then I met my current OSO, who was poly and "got it" and we have been together for 4 years. It has been FAR easier - she respects my mono partner and my relationship, she "gets it" when it comes to so much of the day-to-day parts of life. She hadn't been in a poly relationship before, but she had done a ton of research and just "got it" on a deep-down level.

I would definitely consider dating a poly-curious person again, but it would have to be at a time in my life where I could handle it, because it is difficult and contains a great risk of being hurt.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 06-19-2012, 02:36 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by WonderingSue View Post
Have you always felt "poly", even when you didn't have the word for it? Thanks.
No, I felt twu wub in my first relationship (in my teens). But, within six months, I realized I wanted to experiment. I`ve also been in a mono relationship for 3 years, although out of compromise. I felt mono was the only way I could have regular sex. I basically dragged it as long as I could, before dropping the 'open up' or 'break up' bomb on my partner.

Nowadays, I suppose someone who`s mono or a recent "convert" would be batting above their average dating me, TBQH. At least for the long haul, I think I am better matched with people who have had plenty of sexual experience, partners, and experience in open relationships. And, especially partners who know how to keep what`s private, private (note that I am open not poly).

Yet, who knows? I`m open minded enough to take it on a case-by-case basis. I won`t invest a lot of time on you, however, unless I`m confident that we`re spit from the same dragon.

The way I`ve gotten burned was, I`ve had partners who would agree to an open relationship in theory but act mono. In other words, not give me space, check on me when we were apart, PDA, pressure me to 'fess up' to being with other partners, and just generally passively-aggressively push toward home-making until I felt cooped up.

I guess the opposite end has also happened. I`ve had dates who played fast and loose with my schedule, didn`t communicate, and left me hanging, or vanished without notice, on the grounds that I did not want a 'serious' relationship and that I made them 'confused.'
Independent, sex-positive, bi-curious, private, atheist, elitist, athletic dude.

Last edited by feelyunicorn; 06-19-2012 at 05:57 PM.
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Old 06-21-2012, 04:03 AM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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I've been in mono relationships, like most poly people. Polyamory is a lifestyle, IMO, not an inborn sexuality. I think humans probably naturally lean towards monogamy for child rearing, but naturally seek out more than one partner otherwise. I saw a special on TV that says women prefer more masculine men during ovulation, and more feminine men when not ovulating, and I suspect that's true - We prefer different partners at different times.

I've always been kind of transient in my sexuality. I have periods where I don't even masturbate. I have periods where I feel very lesbian. I have periods where I feel very straight, and then I feel very interested in MFF threesomes or having sexual feelings towards men and women. I have periods where I think dating an MTF would be amazing, post-op or pre-op. Trans partners have this appreciation for being themselves, and seeing them become comfortable with their true spirits and identities is not just liberating for them, but their loved ones. Some of the best sex I had was with a trans partner.

I've also read women have more adaptable sexuality. I agree; I tend to find I'm interested in who I'm around. If I'm dating a woman, I tend to have more interest in women, and vice versa. And I imagine the same may even be true for poly - If you're actively living a poly life, it probably seems better than mono.

OTOH, I'm as vanilla as they come, and I cannot get into kink. Being dominated is not cool at all for me. I can do a good job at domination (so I am told), but it does nothing for me. I'd do some mild domination for someone I love, but they can forget me being a submissive. They'd have to find another partner.

I think it's a little sad your crush's OSO is probably going to end a relationship over a partner being too vanilla. Sex is important, but ending a relationship because a partner doesn't like a certain sexual act is unfortunate, but I guess I'm biased being a vanilla.
“Edit yourself, bitch. Edit yourself.” – Chad Michaels
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Old 06-24-2012, 01:10 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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If you asked me out, and we chatted? I'd say yes or no depending on what I'm looking for at the time and if I'm even available for dating. It is not that you lack anything. Maybe her poly plate is just full right now.

It doesn't make you HORRIBLE or anything. Or her. Just... time management.

We didn't even discuss that I am interested in poly. (When we first met, I'd apparently given her the impression that I was mono and vanilla). Having been exposed to her poly world (for the last year), I feel like exploring both worlds.
If you think that wasn't put out there clearly, put it out once more but if there's no spark for her there's just no spark for her. Be friends and let it go.

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