Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?

"Asian" is not a "culture". By the way, "African" is also not a "culture". Neither is "Latin" a "culture". "European" is also not a "culture". Those are CONTINENTS, not CULTURES (although "Latin" is not a continent but usually refers to South America and/or the Caribbean region). There are MANY "cultures" within those broad ethnic and geographical delineations.

I have to beg your pardon, BG, but I have to differ. "Asia, Europe, Africa" and so on are the continents. "Asian, European, African," etc are the adjectives one could use to describe people, food, music, art, cultures, etc. from these continents.

My use of "Asian" was intended like this... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asian... the short for "Asian culture" or "the culture of Asia" because I was too lazy to write it out all the way last night. :)

I just went with the broad geographic way of listing culture rather than by ethnicity last night cuz that's how I felt like last night too. *shrug*

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Outline_of_culture#Types_of_cultures

Then I abruptly veered off into "family culture" without a good transition sentences in between so it could read wiggy. Fuzzy patient brain, and too late an hour. Ah, well.

Though it reminds me that once a guy struggled to figure out my ethnic background... He hemmed and hawed and finally asked my what my "orientation" was and I said "bi, poly" and he turned bright red and said "Um... I thought maybe Japanese or something..."

That was amusing watching him change colors. Hee hee. :)

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Interesting. Because I think in dating partner, noting "Asian" is important. People come with their family of origin culture stuff and that could affect compatability. It's also easy chitchat for date openers -- "My family culture is____. Tell me more about yours. " Maybe it is easy chitchat for ME because I'm multiethnic? I dunno. People always are asking me "So... what blend ARE you?" It doesn't seem like a biggie to me.
l

But from her profile, he doesn't know that her CULTURE is Asian, only that her FACE is.

I'm more concerned about "don't want to deal with the hassle of monoshipping" --- what hassle? It's the same skills, just more players. If anything polyshipping has more "hassles" because you are trying to get along with more people!

I don't think someone who refers to the "hassle" of monogamous relationships is necessarily a red flag. Many people are seeking poly dating because they do indeed find mono dating to be emotionally difficult or impractical. I myself feel that for me it's not worth the trouble of deciding to give up other dating opportunities just to be exclusive with one person. That would be my interpretation.

And sure, she may be approaching poly from a more casual / dating around perspective, but that can work just fine.
 
But from her profile, he doesn't know that her CULTURE is Asian, only that her FACE is.

So? Again... Asking her more about herself, her family, and her family culture is still a valid "get to know you" question. Doesn't everyone have a family and their family quirky stuff? :confused:

To clarify -- I'm going with the 5b definition of culture there. "Hi there. Could you tell me more about you and your way of life? What's being YOU like?"

EVERYONE has a family culture, a school or work culture that they can talk about in chit chat mode.Their own way of doing things, how they grew up, customs they observe. Maybe they want to talk about pop culture and what they like about that. Who knows.

I don't think someone who refers to the "hassle" of monogamous relationships is necessarily a red flag.

It isn't a red flag. Casual approach is fine. I just meant that it could be "a please clarify" for Man of Discovery. Like... "I noticed you mention hassles...What could those be to you?" Again... "tell me more about you!" type stuff to learn how that could align with the things Man of Discovery is seeking.

I'm not trying to make it be a bigger deal that it is. I'm just coming from the POV of -- "could do some more online chit chat first" to see if it is worth making an "in person" date with this responder or not.

Man of Discovery -- I hope you have fun if you do decide to chit chat some more with her or even go out in person. :)

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Except there is one thing wrong with that reasoning:

"Asian" is not a "culture". By the way, "African" is also not a "culture". Neither is "Latin" a "culture". "European" is also not a "culture". Those are CONTINENTS, not CULTURES (although "Latin" is not a continent but usually refers to South America and/or the Caribbean region). There are MANY "cultures" within those broad ethnic and geographical delineations.

Enough people disagree with you that there's a long wiki page dedicated to the "Culture of Asia."

Depending on which convention you use, Asia is not a continent either. It's a region of the continent of Eurasia, as North America and South America are regions of the continent of America.

[[Aside: my gf's hubby is perpetually amused by citizens of The United States of America making such a big deal about "America this" and "American that," especially when they start talking about "Mexicans vs Americans." Mexicans ARE Americans.]]

My point being that there's enough controversy on the subject that you can't definitively say "You're wrong, everyone agrees that it's actually like this."

To GG's side, no matter what "Asian" means, it's pretty much guaranteed that a white man from England is going to have a different culture than someone who identifies as "Asian" in any sense of the word.
 
I'm not trying to make it be a bigger deal that it is. I'm just coming from the POV of -- "could do some more online chit chat first" to see if it is worth making an "in person" date with this responder or not.

I generally think it's almost always worth meeting someone in person. If I'm even slightly interested in someone, I prefer to meet them as quickly as possible. You could spend weeks chatting with someone online and think they're really great, and then discover within 5 minutes of meeting that you just don't click. Very rarely is someone so awful that an hour of coffee is a waste of time. If they are, I have no compunctions against suddenly remembering I have to do my laundry after 15 minutes.

Conversely, if I can't find time to meet them even once, then I obviously don't have time to date them.
 
Last edited:
Honestly, I thought the "Asian" was part of him giving lots of details for some reason. I agree saying she's Asian isn't relevant to the story. But neither is saying she's really cute, or giving us her age. If he had just said "A woman contacted me", the interesting part of the story would have remained unchanged.

Some people just add lots of details, I wouldn't read too much into it.
 
Honestly, I thought the "Asian" was part of him giving lots of details for some reason. I agree saying she's Asian isn't relevant to the story. But neither is saying she's really cute, or giving us her age. If he had just said "A woman contacted me", the interesting part of the story would have remained unchanged.

Some people just add lots of details, I wouldn't read too much into it.

Exactly.

Details (within reason) tend to add to the story, helps to build up a picture of what's going on. A lot of times when I say 'a girl contacted me', I get questioned on what she was like...hence this gives a quick picture.

I certainly wasn't expecting the 15 pages of discussion on Asia vs Eurasia afterwards.

I will have to be super careful on here in future not to say anything that could be twisted/misinterpreted etc. I will have to turn myself into a politician.
 
I certainly wasn't expecting the 15 pages of discussion on Asia vs Eurasia afterwards.

I will have to be super careful on here in future not to say anything that could be twisted/misinterpreted etc. I will have to turn myself into a politician.

It's a discussion forum. Hence, we discuss. You'll notice your question was answered repeatedly before the thread got derailed in several directions.

I've never had an enjoyable conversation of the form "Question. Answer. Question. Answer." All the best discussions use one question as a starting point, and then the conversation follows a winding path of interest.

I don't understand your complaint - is it your intention to continue the "when to disclose poly" discussion? I don't think anyone can add to that topic, but if it suits you, you're welcome to attempt micromanagement with pointed follow-up questions.
 
It's a discussion forum. Hence, we discuss. You'll notice your question was answered repeatedly before the thread got derailed in several directions.

I've never had an enjoyable conversation of the form "Question. Answer. Question. Answer." All the best discussions use one question as a starting point, and then the conversation follows a winding path of interest.

I don't understand your complaint - is it your intention to continue the "when to disclose poly" discussion? I don't think anyone can add to that topic, but if it suits you, you're welcome to attempt micromanagement with pointed follow-up questions.

You make the best points, SC. Thanks for being here.
 
to get back on topic...when to disclose poly?

I find it easiest to bring it up right away. why extend it and later find out that she may not be into it? because if you bring it up right away and find out shes not into it, move on to the next one! that is exactly what i do when i do my online dating at lavalife.

I have no idea why some people find it so hard to be honest.
 
to get back on topic...when to disclose poly?

I find it easiest to bring it up right away. why extend it and later find out that she may not be into it? because if you bring it up right away and find out shes not into it, move on to the next one! that is exactly what i do when i do my online dating at lavalife.

I have no idea why some people find it so hard to be honest.

Stephen King once put it as there's "the world," and then there's "the world beneath the world." To some people, that has an ugly connotation, the world beneath the world contain the things you can hide, the things people can miss, sometimes consciously don't want us to see, and what we really connect with or pull away from.

Making up an example, a "Man of the World," let's take Joe. Joe is a black guy, pretty easy-going, works in medical research, is nice to old people, children, animals, and the stupid. He's got abs you could grate cheese on.

A lot of folks meet Joe, and on a superficial level, are pretty impressed. Maybe they go in his house after a few dates, find out he only eats organic, doesn't touch alcohol, and is respectful of different lifestyles and cultures. Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

And yet, if he comes out, and shows those things that you can't tell just by looking at him: That he's poly, that he's a man who has sex with men, that he's deeply into BDSM, that he doesn't want children... Instead of going from a pool of thousands who might meet him and find out he's wonderful to be with, he might get embarrassed in his own work and living community, as well as have a lot of lonely nights. Sometimes the right time for "the big reveal" is not a profile, a first date, or that initial chat at the farmer's market. It's when people really need to know who you are.

Then again, some folks like me prefer to burn bridges or make connections early on, but I would hardly argue my way is the right way, or the only way.
 
And yet, if he comes out, and shows those things that you can't tell just by looking at him: That he's poly, that he's a man who has sex with men, that he's deeply into BDSM, that he doesn't want children...

With all due respect, anyone who would object to those things at first glance, will still object to them in three months time added to that feel betrayed by the lie of omission. Even as a person who can accept Poly, bi and kinky (obviously) as a parent, any man that does not want children is inherently unsuitable for me, I wouldn't want to waste time with someone committed to a childless future. And I would be hacked off to discover that only once I had become emotionally attached.
 
Insecurity is the "benefit of the doubt" reason. Unfortunately, far too often, people are dishonest because they want something, and they know the truth will impede them from getting it.

For example, one approach (of which I do not approve) is to tell someone you're poly only after they've started to fall for you, when you reach the point in the courtship where you start to talk about "having a relationship" instead of just "dating." By then, they know how well you get along and how they're starting to have feelings for you. So maybe poly isn't their first choice, and they wouldn't have let it get this far if they'd known ahead of time, but now they're willing to risk it, because you're "so wonderful."

Now in my opinion, this is nothing short of bait and switch. It's totally not cool. But, for some people, it gets them what they want, at least temporarily.

Some people also thrive on drama. I don't get it personally, I hate being involved in drama. But some people just aren't satisfied unless they're causing trouble for someone else.
 
Insecurity is the "benefit of the doubt" reason. Unfortunately, far too often, people are dishonest because they want something, and they know the truth will impede them from getting it.


That could be considered a form of insecurity.

I have a two-faced point of view about this. On one hand, I don't feel like I owe anybody any explanation or information until I am friends with them, on the other hand, I don't care what a stranger thinks about the way i live my life so i would be fine with telling someone about my open relationships at any time. Since I don't "look for" people to "have a relationship" with, it just comes up when it comes up, and since this topic specifically refers to "online", then it is worth mentioning that I have "Open Relationship with..." on my Facebook.
 
I completely agree with S's cat. And really, in my opinion, anyone who would have said "no" and ends up saying "yes" reluctantly because you bait and switched them will have to make a lot of effort, go through a lot of pain, and in the end might never manage to make it work.

It,s not worth hurting people like that just people you're too afraid to give yourself the chance to meet someone you,re actually compatible with.
 
With all due respect, anyone who would object to those things at first glance, will still object to them in three months time added to that feel betrayed by the lie of omission.

Yes, but by then, he'll know that they won't gang rape and beat him, leaving him bleeding in a gutter.
 
I did not know women were in the habit of doing that....learn something new every day!

No so much women, usually... but men can bait you online if you put it right in your profile or admit it before meeting in person.

Similarly, Joe could be dating a guy who knows he's gay, but doesn't know about all that kinky stuff. Finding out, the guy could get really creeped out and react in all kinds of ways.
 
No so much women, usually... but men can bait you online if you put it right in your profile or admit it before meeting in person.

But if he is looking to date men, he would be advertising for men, so the disclosure that he has sex with men is a bit obvious and moot isn't it?
As far as I can see, the example was about withholding information that might be seen as prejudicial, we are all aware that some straight (and sadly probably some bi women too) would have a problem with a bi male partner, therefore I can understand why a man might want to keep that to himself if he wants to attract women, however, if he wants to attract men, why would he not disclose that on his profile? It would defeat the purpose.

Similarly, Joe could be dating a guy who knows he's gay, but doesn't know about all that kinky stuff. Finding out, the guy could get really creeped out and react in all kinds of ways.

If a bloke is wont to be 'creeped' out,isn't it better that he knows beforehand (not that I have ever met this near mythical completely vanilla scared of kink gay man but let's just say he exists for arguments sake). Than it being thrown at him (especially if Joe is pretty extreme) later on in the middle of intimacy?

I can't see any point in Joe keeping these things secret, I know plenty of gay men in the kink scene, I even know very secure in their sexuality straight males that will play with men in the scene. I think if Joe is looking for men there is no problem and if he is looking for women though, this 'may' be a problem but as I wrote before, if she will have a problem in the profile, she will probably have a bigger problem if she hears about it once she gets her emotions involved, cue drama.....

Natja
 
Back
Top