advice for couple seeking third

EvRyNY

New member
Hello,
We are a couple (male-straight, woman-bisexual.) We are new to poly. We know that we want to explore being in a triad. We have gone on a couple of dates together with a woman we met online, which was exciting and new, but did not develop into a relationship. We would like to meet other women who are also interested in developing a relationship with us as a couple and to possibly build a triad relationship, however we are new to navigating the online dating and poly dating universe. Ideally we would like to have a more "live" experience where we meet someone offline to be friends with at first-where the attraction and interests are shared and built mutually. In our exploration and learning more-we have come across the dreaded and sometimes derogatory term "unicorn hunters," it is somewhat discouraging to go out there with this term out there and to feel comfortable with what we want to share. I guess what we want to ask is-how have others met people open to this kind of relationship? What are some experiences others have had with online dating as well as meeting offline dating-primarily couples wanting to become triads?
Thank you kindly!
-R&E
 
There are a lot of stories about that on here. Go ahead and do a tag search or look in the "Golden Nuggets" thread at the top of the forum.
 
My soon to be ex husband and I tried it back 10 yrs ago. With a woman we met irl. It didnt work. As often happens, the unicorn was more into one of us (him in this case) than into the other.

Why do married couples always think there's a chance this new friend will love each of them equally? How many other platonic friends do you 2 have that you both get along with equally well? There's always that third wheel factor.

And don't forget the feelings of the other woman. Unless she really knows her way around being poly, she might be jealous of one or the other of you when she sees you 2 showing affection.
 
Hi

We have just been through this process and I would say go carefully. Admittedly I was bi-curious rather than bi-sexual so that was problematic in itself.

We found our lady online on a dating site and then took it "live" as it were.

Advice: Set out clear boundaries, don't take anything for granted. There is a thread I started last week under general discussions entitled "Help, In a right pickle"

-Go very slowly because if it doesn't work, which it probably won't because the stats are apparently way against it, she will be losing two relationships and so it will hit her a lot harder than you.
 
There seems to be a huge desire for triads... I don't know if it is so wise to go into this all with that notion. They are the most difficult configuration and yet the most often sought after. They most often end in one partner being hurt because love does not develop evenly. One gravitates to one or the other, usually the woman to a man and the other woman is left out and hurt.

If I were you both I would discuss just seeing what happens. There is no guarantee that the two of you even like the same kind of women. Why not go into this bonding on the fact that you would enjoy extra love in your life, rather than love from the same person. Why not embrace the possibility of meeting separate people rather than one person. Keep it all open and fluid to possibility.

I am thinking that you are thinking you want to do this together and that the above is not an option because you couldn't possibly be with someone without the other. Making an assumption about this as I have read it here many many times... if that is not the case, then so be it, but checking in to see how you both would feel if your journey were to separate you both would be good planning, because I am betting you it WILL come up. Better to deal with that now rather than when you are in it.

btw what you seem to be seeking is a unicorn. Do a search on this in tags as Neon says... I don't know what is in golden nuggets on unicorns, but if neon suggests a search there then I'm sure it is with goog reason. good luck
 
Hmm. THink the lyrics to the unicorn song should be in GN?
 
Well, now you can really relate to how people who are stereotyped for various other reasons feel !

It is what it is. And it's going to be very difficult to overcome that stereotype (unicorn hunters) even if it isn't true (which none of us can judge from here).

But I agree with the others that you may need to do more studying on the nature of 3-way relationships before you even bother going through the frustration. It rarely plays out the way you think :) That's not a 'negative' - only a more realistic projection. Interpersonal dynamics between people just get trickier as the numbers increase and for the majority in our culture, the deep discussion of love and sexual interactions is not encouraged.

Knowledge and communication skills are the glue that hold things together and lacking that glue...............well, you fill in the blanks.

GS
 
If you are aware that you both have the capasity to love more than one why not just relax about the structure that any other relationship takes? Let what is going to come into your life come into your life. You may find that you do find someone to form a triad with or you both may find others who one of you connects with but not the other. My only advice is don't try to rush things and don't try and force things. Be patient and keep an open mind.

-Derby
 
The simplest thing you will need.. is patience. LOTS of patience. The dynamic you're looking for is very common. There's a reason those women who fit the description you're seeking are called Unicorns.. they're not all that common. (ok, maybe women with the right mindset aren't "uncommon", but the ones that then fit into YOUR life and you into THEIRS.. that's where things start getting complex).
You can realistically expect to spend years looking, and go through some broken feelings and difficult situations in between.. it's all part of the process, but it's not like rolling up to the drive through, LOL.
Too bad... "Yeah, I'd like a brunette, long-ish hair, not too skinny, not too heavy, nice rack, blue eyes, great sense of humor. She's gotta like me and the wife both, but maybe be into the wife just a bit more. She shouldn't smoke, drink lightly, and have no baggage in her past to interfere with what we're trying to build. Honest, communicative, and understanding on the side, please"
Unfortunately, it's more complex than that...... but you'll also probably meet some very cool people and have some memories to keep along the way.. we just figure "if we find it, we find it. We'll keep our hopes flexible"... but we wish you luck! (Easy to wish you luck, you're far away, not competition :D:p)
 
The simplest thing you will need.. is patience. LOTS of patience. The dynamic you're looking for is very common. There's a reason those women who fit the description you're seeking are called Unicorns.. they're not all that common. (ok, maybe women with the right mindset aren't "uncommon", but the ones that then fit into YOUR life and you into THEIRS.. that's where things start getting complex).
You can realistically expect to spend years looking, and go through some broken feelings and difficult situations in between.. it's all part of the process, but it's not like rolling up to the drive through, LOL.
Too bad... "Yeah, I'd like a brunette, long-ish hair, not too skinny, not too heavy, nice rack, blue eyes, great sense of humor. She's gotta like me and the wife both, but maybe be into the wife just a bit more. She shouldn't smoke, drink lightly, and have no baggage in her past to interfere with what we're trying to build. Honest, communicative, and understanding on the side, please"
Unfortunately, it's more complex than that...... but you'll also probably meet some very cool people and have some memories to keep along the way.. we just figure "if we find it, we find it. We'll keep our hopes flexible"... but we wish you luck! (Easy to wish you luck, you're far away, not competition :D:p)

You just said it better than anyone I've seen so far, including Xeromag Tacit F. Veaux! Especially the part about "no baggage to interfere with what we're trying to build".
 
I think the the anthropologist said it best in the other thread, where almost everyone agreed...."there can be ONLY one Romantic Love at a time".

So you roll the dice....it may be toward your girl, or it may be toward you. But the reality is that there WILL be an imbalance!! If you can live watching your girl be "in love" with someone else and accept that it is NOT you, then you maybe can accept a Triad.

If you can live with YOU being the one in Love, and the harsh feelings that your girl will experience, then it may also work.

The reality is though, that the odds are way against you! You have to have VERY low expectations, and hope that everyone can practice patience.... a LOT.

Doable for a bit....but a flippin roller coaster ride otherwise. I am living it now. Sooooo amazing at times....so anxiety producing at others. You have to make the choice.

Good luck!
P2
 
"no baggage to interfere with what we're trying to build".

well said Thunderlizard! That is exactly what is thought of when people look for a unicorn it seems... most couples looking for a third of any kind are looking for this. Very short sighted. Who the hell doesn't have baggage! Therefore, why do people think that they will find someone who doesn't! Let alone someone that will be dedicated to just them for the long haul.
 
I think the the anthropologist said it best in the other thread, where almost everyone agreed...."there can be ONLY one Romantic Love at a time".

I haven't been reading that thread, so I'm not sure what you're referring to. However, I'm hard-pressed to believe that "almost everyone" on a forum about polyamory would "agree" to that sentiment.
 
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well said Thunderlizard! That is exactly what is thought of when people look for a unicorn it seems... most couples looking for a third of any kind are looking for this. Very short sighted. Who the hell doesn't have baggage! Therefore, why do people think that they will find someone who doesn't! Let alone someone that will be dedicated to just them for the long haul.

Much better to look for people who's bagage doesn't clash with the stuff you own! :D
 
Much better to look for people who's bagage doesn't clash with the stuff you own! :D

Ain't THAT the truth, Derby!
I'm curious about this anthropologist thread, though.. if anyone finds it, can they pm me with it? I don't seem to be able to locate it, but I've only had a half of a coffee so far.
EvRyNY, don't be discouraged, please. The search IS still worth it. Tala and I havent' found that "perfect third", and we've been searching for years.. but we've had some great fun, made some good friends, shared our hearts, and enjoyed a whole bunch. It's been starting to sound a little dark and frustrating.. and it CAN be frustrating. Keep looking.. the rewards of "that feeling", that amazing situation when it's working... that's worth the effort, for SURE. I think I'd call that amazing feeling "thirdvana"... it's more than just the extra love of another person.. it's exponential in it's power. It's worth the search!

I feel like I was really negative before, and I don't want you to think that I mean it sucks. The path you're on can be long and difficult, but it also carries great reward along the way, not just at the end. I just wanted to say, basically, that it won't happen over night, so be patient.. but enjoy the journey, too.. we are!
 
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"Yeah, I'd like a brunette, long-ish hair, not too skinny, not too heavy, nice rack, blue eyes, great sense of humor. She's gotta like me and the wife both, but maybe be into the wife just a bit more. She shouldn't smoke, drink lightly, and have no baggage in her past to interfere with what we're trying to build. Honest, communicative, and understanding on the side, please"

Where do I find this restaurant? Do they have a branch in both El Dorado & Shangri La?

Personally I find the most important part of unicorn hunting, other than having the right bait (what they need) and the right unicorn call (how to communicate with them), is having the correct ammunition. Now it stands to reason that if you want to catch a mythical creature you need some serious fire power. I use a round of my own invention, the slug is made from the ivory of the endangered Asian elephant (I have to smuggle this out of china), I then have it turned into rounds by some black market arms dealers in the Philippines, then all I have to do is trick the Pope into pissing on them and get them blessed by the Dalai Lama. Easy peazy lemon squeezy.

No matter what type of armament you choose to employ in your hunt, it's important to remember to aim for the heart. Being mythical you can't actually kill them, so the objective is stun them long enough to run up and get a bridle on them. Another tip, once you've gone through all the trouble of tracking one down and catching it, never make the mistake of thinking you own it for it will certainly run away. That's why I always affix mine with a tracking collar.*
 
For some reason DH and I are lady magnets. I wasnt interested at all in a triad or live in situation. while Im bi and I do enjoy having fun here and there i have yet to fall for someone and I refuse to settle. so it's usually DH that goes on seeing them.

The couple we are seeing now actually started out looking for a 3rd but after years of that not panning out for them they were open to a quad. funny because I was actually originally just going to date them myself but the lady took a liking to DH. probably opened a whole lot of complications since the male is having some jealousy issue with his wife getting close to my husband,

When I was married to my ex his big dream was a triad while I had preferred just to date separately. besides some very casual encounters with friends of mine it never panned out and never would because he wanted polyfi which kind of seems to me to go against the point of being poly. he's also not very warm and social and quite honestly had no game, unlike my dh who is very charming.
 
There are women out there who are drawn to male/female couples, certainly. I'm one of them. Don't be too discouraged, just be open to what you find -- both in other women and in yourselves -- rather than being stuck on a preconceived notion of the one way it's gotta be. Keep a sense of humor, an open mind, and a firm grip on reality.

Most of all, just try not to be these people (it might seem like hyperbole, and to an extent it is, but people actually act this way without realizing how cruel they're being!): http://www.obsidianfields.com/lj/hotbibabe-flowchart-large.gif

The simple fact is that interpersonal issues, problems and mismatches are common... every relationship has them, and the relationships that work are the ones where the partners acknowledge those things and work through them, which takes self-awareness, kindness, patience and time. When you're talking about three people instead of two, the problems become literally exponential. To make this sorta thing work, you've got to make sure you've got the issues in the original relationship worked out as much as possible. And you've got to be prepared to see the original relationship potentially change. I think a lot of couples seeking a third fail to recognize that adding another person is likely to shake up their dynamic. When they do realize it scares them and I think that, more than callousness, is what causes them to act in the ways described in the flowchart above.

I'll give you a quick cautionary tale. Before they reached out to me, my girlfriend Gia and her husband Eric dated a woman named Jen. Gia and Jen fell in love. Eric liked Jen a lot and loved the sex and felt like he was "supposed" to love her too, so he went ahead and said he did without examining his real feelings. Suffice to say, when it ended, it was extremely messy and painful for everyone involved.
 
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