BDsm

Spork, you are so not alone in having trouble talking about sex. I'm doing a lot better with it now, because Woody's very open and positive sexually and it's spilling over to me, but I still have trouble with Hubby sometimes.

I have, however, come a ginormous way since six years ago, when I literally had to force myself to even say the word "sex", and usually felt sick to my stomach when I did. And in part, my issues came from my ex-husband's attitudes about sex, so you aren't alone in that either.
 
Spork, you are so not alone in having trouble talking about sex. I'm doing a lot better with it now, because Woody's very open and positive sexually and it's spilling over to me, but I still have trouble with Hubby sometimes.

I have, however, come a ginormous way since six years ago, when I literally had to force myself to even say the word "sex", and usually felt sick to my stomach when I did. And in part, my issues came from my ex-husband's attitudes about sex, so you aren't alone in that either.

Thanks. :) I was fearless and shameless before my marriage...and I'm getting back to being that way now, if more tempered with some relationship wisdom than in the old "wild and casual teenager" days.

Ex-Hubs made me feel like no man could respect me (except him of course) and no man could be my friend (except him of course) and all men just used me (except him of course) and sex was dirty (except with him of course) and a "precious gift that should only be given to a committed permanent life partner." He did his best to make me understand the very important fact that a woman's value, self respect, and honor have pretty much everything to do with how well she guards her fun bits. We had a heavy dose of codependency going on there too that I'm still trying to extricate from. It was bad.

Funny story....a man who treats a woman this way, ends up with a wife who hates sex. There's the moral of that story.

But seriously though I can get naked at parties and bottom for impact, fire, rope, electricity, and have the time of my life, and don't care who sees what (don't actually feel that it's sexual activity anyhow)...but my lover better not ask me to speak regarding what toys I want to play with tonight or tell him fantasy stuff or any of that...EEK I'M SKEERED. *sigh*

But I know how important it is, especially being into BDSM, that I be able to really Use My Words, so I WANT to get over this. Love how therapeutic some of the stuff can be...
 
I was fearful and shameful my entire life until 9 years ago... my ex was only part of the problem, he just carried on the damaging statements and actions started by my mother and by a few incidents of assault when I was growing up.

Then I got to have almost a year and a half of being fearless and shameless, until I met Hubby, who put me right back into that mindset, though he did it by speaking thoughtlessly, not by having a sex-negative viewpoint. He's actually very sex-positive in general, but for *himself* he's conservative bordering on prudish, and instead of saying "I'm not comfortable with that" or "I'd rather not" when I asked him to do sexual things with me, he said things like "Married people don't do that" or "That's only for people who don't have beds", or, on one or two occasions, "Why would you want to do something like that?"

Hubby has tried to make up for that since I confronted him three years ago; that's what led to us having an open marriage that became me having polyamorous relationships. But I've still had a hard time talking about or asking for sex; the first time I ever was able to tell a man I wasn't already involved with "Hey, I want to have sex with you" was just this past August.

Woody's been amazing helping me with it, though. It is starting to carry over with Hubby to some extent, but not completely yet.
 
So the expected "Why the hack did I do that, now I feel trapped" effect kick in today. I am alone and trying to write a personal statement for my PhD, and I found out that I cannot be lying before the computer as usually because the collar presses agains my neck (might motivate me to sit more healthily, LOL), so I got angry and the doubts came out. I felt frustrated but then it helped to ask myself if I would really like it off, and the answer is no. I also exchanged a few sentences on the phone with my dom. He enjoys the feedback. Now I feel it as a lot of energy which I haven't found a means to express, and which feels restricted around my neck (but I know without the collar it might not be there at all). Overwhelmed by good and bad.

(Just in case someone wonders how the psychology works.)

As for the talking about sex, yes, I too have more problems to say what I would like then to do it. Kind of funny :)

P.S.: I found out how to add a signature. Now I should finally choose nicknames :)
 
I have problems both doing and saying, when it comes to sex. I'm getting better with it, but it's going to take time.
 
I've been involved in BDSM for over 10 years, almost 10 with my husband, and it's honestly a very important part of life for me. I have a lot of experience with domination, impact play, role playing, discipline, knife play, and sensation play. I have some bondage experience and am working on getting better with rope work.

If anyone has any questions, I'm happy to help if I can
 
I'd forgotten this thread :)

I joined Fetlife after I'd been here a while (and when Adam wanted shibari lessons), although I was starting to experience dynamic based interactions beforehand. But I've now been involved in the "public" kink scene for three years. In that time I've learned more than I could have imagined. I even found myself educating on chem play and needle play in the last couple of days.

However, I was open about sex my whole adult life, which I believe is definitely a result of been a teenager in New Zealand in the 90s. Sex of any sort was something we did, talked about, and did some more, generally with someone new. We were very much about tearing down the studs-sluts dichotomy and we thoroughly rejected the notion of either and simply fucked anyone we wanted to and simply refused to be be ashamed about it.

Not long ago I realised that I had lost a lot of confidence around sex, in part because of joining the bdsm community. I *can't* do *that* and I don't bend like *that* anymore (I probably never did). When I was 39 I was excited to reach my 40s, the purported decade of sexual liberation, personal confidence and sexual power. I'm still yet to experience any of those things. Throw in the pressures of adult life including daily living stress, scheduling any dates that require travel, and increasing likelihood of ED due to aging, and the result is the most sex I have these days is with myself. Thank god that bsdm introduced me to the bodywand. If I could afford it I'd be investing in at least one of those toys that are all being reviewed with hilarity on Fet right now.

I'm still completely open to talking about sex, I just wish I was getting more of it lol.
 
When I was 39 I was excited to reach my 40s, the purported decade of sexual liberation, personal confidence and sexual power. I'm still yet to experience any of those things.

That older women come into their sexual "peak" is not a factor of biology (other than perhaps less fear of pregnancy and the independence of their children.) In and of itself, there's nothing sexually magical about this time of life for a woman. That women "peak" later in life and that men "peak" in young adulthood is merely a factor of social support and circumstances. Young men are always socially encouraged to explore sexually (hence, the "peak") until marriage and older women tend to free themselves of many social constraints that had hindered their sexual exploration in earlier years. Many women find that it is only in their post-child rearing years that they are able to gather the education, social support and courage to expand and express themselves in much more sexually satisfying ways. Any woman who is socially supported will experience the joys of her own chosen and satisfying sexual exploration - at any age.
 
older women tend to free themselves of many social constraints that had hindered their sexual exploration in earlier years.

Aye, there's the rub, I and my females peers didn't have those constraints. I guess no peak at 40+ is required since we've been doing what we wanted, when we wanted, with whom we wanted since we were young.
 
Not long ago I realised that I had lost a lot of confidence around sex, in part because of joining the bdsm community. I *can't* do *that* and I don't bend like *that* anymore (I probably never did). When I was 39 I was excited to reach my 40s, the purported decade of sexual liberation, personal confidence and sexual power. I'm still yet to experience any of those things. Throw in the pressures of adult life including daily living stress, scheduling any dates that require travel, and increasing likelihood of ED due to aging, and the result is the most sex I have these days is with myself. Thank god that bsdm introduced me to the bodywand. If I could afford it I'd be investing in at least one of those toys that are all being reviewed with hilarity on Fet right now.

I'm still completely open to talking about sex, I just wish I was getting more of it lol.

I'm really surprised that being part of the community has made you lose confidence about sex. The community is full of people of all ages, shapes and sizes. Sure, the pics you see in shibari generally have a type- but all the parties I've attended have people from all over the spectrum, quite literally!

I was more than 120lbs overweight and never felt like I didn't belong, if that matters any.

Do you not have that experience in your local area?
 
Do you not have that experience in your local area?

My local area is rather small. We don't have many parties and the ones we do have would be considered very tame by most standards, with a large party being around 25 people including 1/3 mostly spectating. While there are indeed all shapes and sizes, the majority of my influences are online, including the dreaded K&P. I personally don't get to play very much in person so I don't get to explore what I *can* do and consequently the inner monologue becomes about what I can't.

I actually just had a 24 hour date with Magus who I met through the kink scene. We both have masses of physical limitations but the terrible state of my body was very apparent to the point where we had a big discussion about me going to physiotherapy or similar.
 
My local area is rather small. We don't have many parties and the ones we do have would be considered very tame by most standards, with a large party being around 25 people including 1/3 mostly spectating. While there are indeed all shapes and sizes, the majority of my influences are online, including the dreaded K&P. I personally don't get to play very much in person so I don't get to explore what I *can* do and consequently the inner monologue becomes about what I can't.

I actually just had a 24 hour date with Magus who I met through the kink scene. We both have masses of physical limitations but the terrible state of my body was very apparent to the point where we had a big discussion about me going to physiotherapy or similar.

I'm into kink but there is a lot of stuff I want to do but my body says no to.

I am not flexible, I have past injuries that make certain positions for too long painful; I don't get wet easily, my butt doesn't bruise, I gag easily, my scalp is sensitive for hair pulling...
It can make my fantasies not a thing I can do exactly how I want. So I edit them, a certain position for a certain length of time, certain bolsters or modifiers. I actually saw physio and got an exercise routine so that I would have an easier time in cowgirl; otherwise my hip and knee would lock and spasm due to past injury.

Also, try to not talk about your body in negative terms; as a massage therapist there is absolutely NO SHAME in having physical issues that keep you from doing things. And there is no wrong reason to start seeing someone to help with them.
 
The other side has been heard, so I'll just say, I emphasize. Although I'm mostly healthy, I'm also overweight. It's not exactly fun to watch how easily the 21y old 45kg masochist who can "do it all" gets attention in the community.
 
Re (from Evie):
"While there are indeed all shapes and sizes, the majority of my influences are online, including the dreaded K&P."

What is K&P?
 
Re (from Evie):


What is K&P?

K&P is Kinky & Popular on Fetlife. It's a page that the site algorithm makes up of writings, photos, and videos that have gotten a certain curve of Loves and comments within a short period of time.

What that means is the vast majority of stuff that gets posted there isn't even kinky, a lot of the time. I see lots of blowjob videos, or pictures of conventionally attractive women in lingerie. I see lots of the generalizing sorts of writing that will resonate with a lot of people without really saying anything.

Most of the time, I don't even bother checking K&P because it's just a waste of my time. There's so little representation of things that matter to me because they're just not mainstream enough.

Evie, why not stick to groups about things that interest you? Surely there would be more of interest shared there?
 
Okay, thanks, that makes sense.
 
Evie, why not stick to groups about things that interest you? Surely there would be more of interest shared there?

I follow a selection of groups and go through phases of looking for interesting ones to join. I actually met Puck through a group :)

I simply need to start traveling more to the bigger hubs available to me. Of course, that takes a few pennies and I don't have them spare right now, but hopefully that will turn around next year.
 
Most of the time, I don't even bother checking K&P because it's just a waste of my time. There's so little representation of things that matter to me because they're just not mainstream enough.

Evie, why not stick to groups about things that interest you? Surely there would be more of interest shared there?

K&P is kinda the "Playboy centerfold" page of Fetlife, which, as you say, is a scroll of videos, writing and photos with mass appeal. That Fetlife even has such a page has always struck me as odd because the whole point of Fetlife is to foster community among people with particular and shared sensibilities. To this aim, the owners go to great lengths to not have a search that would essentially make it a dating site or a hookup site. Fetlife is about appreciating atypical sexuality, kinks in particular. Why does it have a centerfold? K&P seems to run counter to the mission of the website. I agree wholeheartedly that the discussion groups are a much more fulfilling way to explore the community. Even the "Fresh & Pervy" page (whatever is being uploaded by members in real time) is a much more interesting and truly representative peek into who is really there and whatever they have to say about their sexuality. K&P is fun for an amusement, but if someone is exploring in earnest, the groups and member profiles are the way to dig in.
 
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