I just feel that if the health issue is resolved, and Noone is looking to steal anyone away, does it really matter if you meet before or after sex? That was my question.....
Katie-
for the sake of looking at it from the other shoe, assuming its done your way-
how do you know the health issue is resolved?
How do YOU know you can trust this person?
How does the woman (who hasn't met you at all) know that you aren't planning to try to steal someone away?
(NO SARCASM AT ALL)
I ask these questions because I've actually been on both sides of the coin, well all three. I've been the extra person wanting to date someone who was part of a couple, I've been the partner with someone wanting to date me and I've been the wife at home whose partner had someone wanting to date them.
In every case, it's been clear that the best way to know for sure that all parties needs are being addressed, is for all parties to meet.
I've done it without meeting-and always someones needs failed to be met and ALMOST EVERY TIME-it was the person in your shoes who got screwed over the worst. Because, they had the most to lose.
It's not for my personal benefit that I insist on meeting. It's for EVERYONE's benefit.
It's impossible to know that the wife is going to respect your needs, and your importance if you haven't met her. Even if her husband says he will ensure it-there are enough nightmare stories on here to show that isn't POSSIBLE.
The only way to be sure that every persons voice is considreed and they all get a chance to express their needs/desires for their relationship, is for all who have power over it to meet.
The truth is-that because I am the mother of his children, if you were dating my husband I have power over that relationship. Not that I WANT to control it-but if I call him and say "our kids in the ambulance"-he's leaving your date-even if you are butt naked and mid stroke.
HE knows I would never call unless it were that serious-but you don't know that unless we've met and talked.
As the stay at home mom-I have the power to schedule every doctor appointment, dental appointment, after school activity etc for the kids-and him. If I wanted to be a bitch, I can schedule them in such a way that you never get to see him. Again, not that I would (never have) but YOU wouldn't know that if you haven't met me.
Unless you meet me, you can't ensure that I don't get to hear all of the details of every personal thing you tell him. He might say that's the case-but you can't have any real sense of confidence in that-if you haven't met us. Because you have no clue what kind of control I may weild over him.
Many a person goes away from their "jailer" and acts as though they are dominant of their life and can do what they wish-only to return to an abusive relationship where their partner controls everything.
It would be great if this weren't so-but it is so and it is so in the poly community as it is everywhere else.
Every woman whose met my husband has fallen for his gentlemanly ways and his sex appeal. It takes a long time for him to REALLY open up-but they want to jump in bed within a month or so usually. They THINK they know him. But, they don't know him at all. They don't realize that if his daughter calls his cell-he's going to ignore them for as long as she wants to talk. (because I try not to let her do it-but if she's with someone else while hes on a date-she will). They don't know that she's possessive and pissy and he caters to her whim-so if she throws a fit over him not being home-cause he was out with them, he won't go next time.
They dont know that he has a double standard in terms of what he is ok with and what he's not.
The bottomline is-they don't rEALLY know him. I've known him 24 years and only in the last 2 have I gotten to know the REAL Maca. We've been living together for 14.
A woman who says, "hey I think i"m intersted in dating your husband, can we talk" is the smartest woman on earth. Cause she just opened the door to really knowing who he is, what she can do to minimize the chances of getting her heart broken and maximize her relationship with him.
I'm a friendly-non-possessive spouse. But, she will NEVER get privileges she isn't willing to stand up and request-and HE WON'T ask for them because he doesn't want to give them to my boyfriend.
SO-if she waits for him to ask, she'll wait till hell freezes over, cause he doesn't want me to have overnights with my boyfriend. He doesn't want us going out on a date more than once a week. He doesn't want us showing affection in front of him.
So-he can't do those thing with her.
BUT
if SHE asks me-she will find out that I'm TOTALLY OK with those things because I understand the importance of having their own relationship and freedom to build it etc.
So, while it's perfectly ok to say you aren't going to meet someone else. It might also mean minimizing your own personal benefits.
Shrug-makes no difference to me in the long run.
But, it can make a huge difference to the lover.
As seen by the difference in how things went for E versus B.
E met me, talked to me, asked me things that could help her be a better lover for him-and I shared freely and they had a great 2.5 year run before she moved away.
B didn't-she wanted to believe she could learn it all on her own which resulted in her being heartbroken and devastated within a few weeks of their first face to face meeting. Ironically over something that could have EASILY been avoided.