Jealous Metamour?

So I know that this is not a kink-poly board but as my question is more relationship based I thought I would give it a shot.

So I met this guy, Dan, thru the local kick community. We started talking online and were flirting and getting to know each other. Around the same time he also met the sub who he is now dating. (Ellen)

2 weeks ago me and him did a scene together at a local party. There was cuddling and kissing involved in the after care.

We continued to chat and text and flirt and 1 week ago we went on a date. This got somewhat physical but we did not take it too far. The next day after talking to his gf about us, she got jealous and asked him to back off. She said it was okay to scene but not to be affectionate. I know he would not give up sceneing so this may be more on him than her-- he is poly and does not seem to want to be in a mono relationship, but he agreed to this while they work things out. He had asked me to go to a class with him the next day, but then she decided to go and so he canceled on me last minute. She also has a gf person whom with things are complicated. They had a bit of a fight but apparently resolved it and they are more mono now while they figure things out.

He still texts me and flirts and is giving the impression that things will open up when she gets more comfortable with poly...I met her once and I don't really like her. She seems nice enough but she also feels sort of fake and whiny. And a bit manipulative.

I am not sure what to do. I was starting to like him but now I don't know how to handle the situation. I am sure that the more involved I get with him the more feelings I will have, but I don't want to not be affectionate with him. Should I just back off? Is it silly to hold out hope? I'm not sure how to act around him. Or around her. Particularly cause he acts different around me when she is around- way more distant. I will defiantly be seeing him this weekend and I may be seeing her.

I was really starting to like him.....
 
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jayblue122 - here's a hug for icky situations. (hug).

I don't think that Ellen is going to be interested in a poly situation any time soon, if ever.

From my biased opinion, it sounds like Ellen is not very compatible with Dan; but that's a decision he'll have to make.

I think part of it depends on how attached you get when you play. I can play with little to no attachment most times. But if playing with Dan increases or develops your feelings, I'd suggest backing off on that until you know for sure how much you can have.
I mean - he's saying he can scene, but not have another girlfriend, is that the basics? So you're pretty limited to top/bottom play at parties, and not much else.
If you just want to play with him, and you can cool your feelings - go for it.
If you can't play without wanting more - I would suggest not playing with him. He's not offering you more right now.

And in public? Go with the polite-friendly thing (for him and her), but nothing else, excepting when/if you're actually scening with him.

As for holding out hope - it really depends on what he wants more, and which want he acts on in which way - so I would hold space for him for a little while, but not very long, I don't think. A few more events, maybe.
 
Id probably move on because it sounds Iike it's going to be drama. Better to move on before you get too attached too someone who might not be available for you
 
Yeah, that may be best.

I guess what I find confusing/frustrating about the situation is that 1) She has a girlfriend person and 2) he acts like things may happen between us...
 
Maybe what you need to do is simply adjust your expectations. You keep saying, "Maybe things will happen between us..." which seems to say you are hoping for a romantic relationship. Yeah, well, things did happen - they just weren't what you hoped for. How about you accept reality and just expect only doing scenes together? Enjoy what you can have with him and stop yourself when you drift off into fantasy land and wistfully hope for something more than just scenes. Focus your romantic energies on someone else and accept that he is for getting your kink on and nothing more.
 
Maybe what you need to do is simply adjust your expectations. You keep saying, "Maybe things will happen between us..." which seems to say you are hoping for a romantic relationship. Yeah, well, things did happen - they just weren't what you hoped for. How about you accept reality and just expect only doing scenes together? Enjoy what you can have with him and stop yourself when you drift off into fantasy land and wistfully hope for something more than just scenes. Focus your romantic energies on someone else and accept that he is for getting your kink on and nothing more.

You're right. I need to set boundaries for myself and my emotions. No kissing/affection should help that.

I saw him again tonight. And things went fine- polite & friendly and not awkward! His gf was very quite and didn't talk to anyone so that was a bit odd but whatever.
 
This situation is REALLY common among kinky people. He's ok with her having a girlfriend most likely because it's not "threatening" to him as a man or a Dom. (Especially if it's a very casual, mostly sexually based relationship- then it's just hit for him to think about/see/take part in.) Also, just because somebody has the ability to date multiple partners, it doesn't necessarily make it easier on them to see their partner with others (which is completely reasonable, unless they're being a douchebag about it). She is stating her boundaries pretty clearly- "we are new and figuring out us, including a power exchange dynamic in which building trust and structure is paramount, and I'm not comfortable yet sharing my partner with others sexually/romantically. I'm ok with you playing casually with others while I gauge my comfort levels about things." While yes, some poly people are going to say "that's on you, I'm doing what I want", others will work more in conjunction with their current partner before moving forward. Honestly, to me it sounds like he's trying to be a good boyfriend and Dom to her and is respecting her boundaries and limits. Whether she's being manipulative, I can't judge. That's on them to communicate about, and if he would like to go further than non-sexual play with others while dating her, then it's on them to create that level of trust that will make that be able to happen without a ton of drama. For you, if you want something more than casual play and friendship with him, you will probably be waiting for awhile. I'm not saying write him off completely, but you might be wise to check your own expectations about him (and your attitude towards her- because from your remarks about her, it sounds like if you DID get together with him, you're bringing in a lot of negativity about her), and at least for now to dial things back with him emotionally to casual friend while you continue to seek out better suited partners for yourself.
 
This situation is REALLY common among kinky people. He's ok with her having a girlfriend most likely because it's not "threatening" to him as a man or a Dom.

He doesn't seem to be okay with it- in fact that's what they fought about- that's why I found it an odd situation. The manipulative aspect was an interpretation that came more from my interaction with her than the situation itself... I would like to try and get to know her but our initial connection was a bit odd.

But things are okay now. I liked what we were developing but it looks like nothing will happen between us anytime soon. His girlfriend is his business- and I completely respect that he is trying to do right by her. I'm okay with just being friends and maybe play partners if things go in that direction. As someone who is relatively new to kink I think I just got a bit swept up in things.
 
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