Poly Male, struggling but trying to navigate

Wineman77

New member
I'm in love with a woman who has always dreamed of and wanted a poly life. We've been open. Both have been with others since we've been dating. Sexually. I'm having issues with feelings part. Some guy texting hearts and "I miss you" to my person.
 
I'm in love with a woman who has always dreamed of and wanted a poly life. We've been open. Both have been with others since we've been dating. Sexually. I'm having issues with feelings part. Some guy texting hearts and "I miss you" to my person.

Welcome. My sympathies for the struggle.

My wife checks my phone and I always tell her she is going to find exactly what she is looking for...

Oh look how your "sweetheart" misses you...:rolleyes:

It doesn't have anything to do with phone messages. We have an explicitly poly relationship that took years to fine tune. Nothing without permission, everyone on board.

But she'll get to stewing. Then she'll start looking. And then it's "aha!" as if she discovered something, lol.

She is able to laugh about it after she realizes it is just her mind going off on an emotional tangent. What is she expecting to find between two lovers? That they... have sex? Feelings? That was the whole point of going down this road, was it not?

They do love each other. They do miss each other. Poly isn't for everyone, not even a plurality of marriages. It is a special case where we develop compersion - feeling joy at our partner's joy. Not their joy of the outdoors or opera. Their joy in another relationship.
 
"feeling joy at our partners joy". That's the concept that get me to let down my guard. She legit wants me to have that. Says it would turn her on even. We teach our kids to share. It doesn't mean she's not mine. I just share...right? I'm good at times. But sometimes I still go dark thinking about that concept.
 
"feeling joy at our partners joy". That's the concept that get me to let down my guard. She legit wants me to have that. Says it would turn her on even. We teach our kids to share. It doesn't mean she's not mine. I just share...right? I'm good at times. But sometimes I still go dark thinking about that concept.

A lot of people find it helpful not to view their partner as a possession that they are sharing with others. Instead, they view their partner as an autonomous person who is choosing to share THEIR time with who they wish.
 
Checking a partner's text is not something I would be comfortable doing, whether I had permission or not.

While calling someone your person does not necessarily have to be an ownership thing, it would be good to examine that. At the very least there is some initial insecurity going on there. Not to worry though. That is normal and can be worked through, but you have to do the work. I firmly believe self examination and introspection are key to being a good, healthy partner
 
Absolutely. This is all very new. So many thoughts and emotions popping up. Not all negative. But it's been a lot to rationalize.

And I'd never check her texts. And she's not even there yet. Nothing had gone past a first date. But it's just crap in my own mind.
 
Greetings Wineman77,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You seem to be experiencing some insecurity, possibly some jealousy. I have links that could help you.

Explore your feelings and figure out exactly what you think and feel when some guy texts hearts and "I miss you" to your person. How does that make you feel? What kinds of thoughts go through your mind?

Hopefully Polyamory.com helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
"feeling joy at our partners joy". That's the concept that get me to let down my guard. She legit wants me to have that. Says it would turn her on even. We teach our kids to share. It doesn't mean she's not mine. I just share...right? I'm good at times. But sometimes I still go dark thinking about that concept.

I have always ID'd as poly, but my husband, while appreciating the concept and intellectually agreeing, had a hard time with the idea of me with another male partner. Everyone's brains work differently but the turning point, the epiphany, for him was when he experience a situation that could have ended very badly (serious injury or death) - it didn't (Thank fuck!).

This got him contemplating life in a serious way, how fragile it is, etc. If something ever happened to him, he would want me to go on living, to have someone to love me and comfort me, to care for me. So that line of thinking took him to the idea of "Why wait?" - if life is fragile and insecure, why not take advantage of the opportunities that we find for love and comfort in this world for whatever span we are in it? If, goddess forbid, something were to happen to him, I could have someone right there, to comfort me and love me through the pain and the loss. If, goddess willing, we grow old together for decades to come, then how much fuller of a life could we live with MORE LOVE to enjoy in it!

Not saying that the Journey from that point was without difficulty - we all had much to learn and room to grow. But, ultimately, the bottom line is that we want happiness for the people that we care about (which includes ourselves!)...so, in the end, for us: More Love is More Better!

JaneQ

(PS. Longer version of this and how it came to be in my Journey blog here.)
 
I guess all the prepping in your head and reading and listening to podcasts can only do so much. It's all fine in theory. I knew she had a second date with a guy on Thursday night. Friday morning I swing by for an early visit on my way to work as I usually do. Laying in her bed, kissing, she stops me and tells me she slept with him. Less then six hours before, on the same sheets I'm laying on naked (I'm a bit weird when I comes to germs, I don't even like to shake hands). So many thoughts running through my head. I almost got up and left. I didn't. We made love. But now my mind is everywhere. From wanting to hurt her. To wanting to walk away. To just dealing with it because I love her, to the disgusting thought that there's no way she had time to clean the blanket and change the sheets, yes, I know, thats just my mental sickness. Supposed to see her tonight for a concert. I don't want to look at her. I feel I need a break. A few weeks to breathe and not have to think about it.
 
Hi Wineman,

It is actually okay to take a break for a few weeks, and it is okay to ask her to change the sheets before you come over. These are things you need in order for you to feel more comfortable. Ask her for them.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I'm in love with a woman who has always dreamed of and wanted a poly life. We've been open. Both have been with others since we've been dating.

How long have you been dating?
Is poly your dream or her dream? Sounds like it's not much of a dream for you.
 
How long have you been dating?
Is poly your dream or her dream? Sounds like it's not much of a dream for you.

We've been dating a year. Started very casual, but has progressed as it tends to do. Poly was her idea. Something she always wanted to explore. We were both openly seeing others the first 3-4 months together, so I think she thought this was a relationship to attempt this in. And to be honest I haven't done monogamy so great in my past.

Actually, we talked things out on Saturday. It was helpful yo say the things I was thinking, no matter how petty, and keep nothing bottled up. I feel better. "Experiment" is not over. Still on board.
 
Hi Wineman, welcome to the board.

If you're germophobic I'm surprised you were able to continue having sex on the sheets another guy had been in 6 hours earlier! But good for you. However, as others have said, it's OK to ask for a sheet change before coming over to have sex with her. However, she's not obliged to change sheets right after the other guy leaves and before you come, if it's just a short while. Maybe she's tired or busy and doesn't feel like it. In which case, renegotiate. Have sex elsewhere. Or wait another day. Etc. Whatever.

Personally, my partner and I don't have a sheet change requirement, since we know certain sex or kink acts don't even happen on the bed. :p Of course, we try to be careful about where actual sex fluids go.

You started this thread by saying you were upset to know some first date guy was texting her hearts and "I miss you's." First of all, that's pretty forward behavior after one date. Hm. Secondly, how do you know he texted her this lovey dovey stuff if you don't look at her texts? Did she tell you? There was no need for your gf to tell you about this intimate (perhaps overly) romantic message! That's called being a sloppy hinge. Plus, while she probably found it exciting to be so desired by another after one date, you felt upset, insecure, to hear it. Therefore, you two need to decide what is TMI about her dates. (Or your dates, if you go on some.) Also, remember that the privacy of the other partner is also at stake. She should ask her other dates how much information about dates they'd prefer to have shared. Just because MayDecember reads his wife's texts and vice versa, doesn't mean many or most polyamorous people do. In fact, it's quite uncommon and considered a breach of privacy.

Many polys don't want any information about their partner's dates with others, other than, "We went to X restaurant. We went to his place afterwards. I had fun." Then if you're curious, say, if the relationship is new, you could ask, "Did you have sex? If so, did you use condoms?"

That is basically all you really need to know. Anything extra may be fun to hear about, or may cause envy or jealousy. You two decide. Sometimes if you're having a bad day, details of the others' fun might cheer you up, or might make you envious, you know?

If you're ever envious of your gf's other dates, ask for more dates yourself. Make sure to keep dating her, not just putting your relationship on auto pilot while she explores exciting NRE adventures with others.

Another thing to manage is time and money. Many of us polys have expectations about time management so all partners feel taken care of and at least mostly satisfied with how much time they get from their SO. And money, especially if you're a long term couple and finances are shared. How much money goes to dates with others?
 
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