Blogging, blogging, blogging.

So remember how I stated I was scared that things won't be good for me because I'm just the secondary and of she says I go then I go (after over a year relationship and four year friendship) is just creeping up more and more.

Whatever discussion about if things are broken beyond repair and what needs to happen was only between the two of them so anything that I may have to say or suggest is completely removed.

I'm expecting that I'm going to be told I'm done. And if so I don't know how much of even a friendship can be salvaged.
 
I'm expecting that I'm going to be told I'm done. And if so I don't know how much of even a friendship can be salvaged.

You know, instead of waiting for them to make decisions that affect you, YOU can take a stance and tell them you're done. You don't need to just wait around for scraps to be tossed your way. Be strong!!!
 
One thing I have learned from all of this... next time I have another relationship (because honestly I feel right being poly and I do need something to let my completely submissive side out) I'm not going to do it with hierarchies.

As to why I don't end it? I love him too much. I want him in my life in whatever way I can have because of how important he is to me. I'm willing to put up with all this stuff that just hurts because those moments I have with him are enough to make me forget them all.

I want things to work. Hell even to the point that what I thought was what I would need as limits aren't. I realized that I just need CLARITY. I need to know that if something is said that yes it's okay that it doesn't then get completely backtracked. I need clear guidelines as to what things are rather than ambiguity (big example: Woodsmith when things started up let me know that he was fine with me cuddling with Seven just not being on his lap and making out with him; Lamian just doesn't want me hanging on him but has never said what that entails so I never know what is going to set her off one day to the next).
 
I hate where there are more things in my life causing me stress than not.
 
You know, instead of waiting for them to make decisions that affect you, YOU can take a stance and tell them you're done. You don't need to just wait around for scraps to be tossed your way. Be strong!!!

You have a self-confidence that many others don't. I used to get frustrated watching people end up in these inextricable situations, until I realized that there was absolutely nothing to do. Except to sit back and see if they figure out their own responsibility in running their lives.
 
So I recently printed out the Secondary's Bill of Rights. No matter what happens between Seven and I, I'm going to make sure that he and Lamian end up seeing these.

If we don't fall apart with all this drama then whenever I'm actually brought back into the conversation I'm going to have that be a forefront of what my needs are (that these rights, which if I'm honest as I was reading them I realized none of them have EVER been respected, actually be a part of how things are handled now). If we do, I had printed out three copies so we each could have one during a conversation and I'll leave them as little things for the two of them to come across (passive-aggressive I know, but on this level I don't care).

If I'm ever confronted with these for any reason I'll make sure that whoever does confront me knows that even if these don't change for my relationship with Seven if he ever wants someone else in his life they will have to change because no one else will put up with Lamian's bullshit as long as I did.
 
So I recently printed out the Secondary's Bill of Rights. No matter what happens between Seven and I, I'm going to make sure that he and Lamian end up seeing these.

If we don't fall apart with all this drama then whenever I'm actually brought back into the conversation I'm going to have that be a forefront of what my needs are (that these rights, which if I'm honest as I was reading them I realized none of them have EVER been respected, actually be a part of how things are handled now). If we do, I had printed out three copies so we each could have one during a conversation and I'll leave them as little things for the two of them to come across (passive-aggressive I know, but on this level I don't care).

If I'm ever confronted with these for any reason I'll make sure that whoever does confront me knows that even if these don't change for my relationship with Seven if he ever wants someone else in his life they will have to change because no one else will put up with Lamian's bullshit as long as I did.

Rules are only worth the paper they're printed on. If you're not valuable or worthy of respect to a person, a set of rules certainly isn't going to change that. And if you're not coming off as being worth respect, why? I'm not referring to Lamien, but everyone around you. Regardless of whom you've talked about negatively over the course of your blog, there seems to be a pattern of people openly dismissing you or either ignoring/avoiding you. What about you makes that happen?

To me, I lose respect for people who can't control their reaction to emotions or consistently handle their own issues. People who remind me of immature children, usually. I believe people like that create their own internal drama and project it outwards - hoping someone else will play along. I avoid them like the plague. It may or may not be a nice way of acting, but being 'nice' is not what I'm most concerned about. Do the people you have problems with behave this way? Do you?
 
Relationship with Seven done. I'm handling it better at the moment than I expected.

After he told me it needed to be over I did state a few things. The fact that I was never afforded any rights in the relationship (of the 15 rights on F.V.'s secondary bill of rights the only ones that I wasn't denied were the ones that didn't apply because I either wasn't in a relationship with both of them or because I had a primary of my own).

I then reminded him of the fact that Lamian will ALWAYS choose Darkeyes over him.

The part of the conversation that I think hurt him the most was when he stated that it wasn't as long as he expected. I told him that since he had decided that he didn't want to speak to me or acknowledge my presence since Wednesday I pretty much knew it was over. He told me that what is happening isn't what he wanted. I stated that's the part that pisses me off the most, not that he didn't fight for me but that he didn't fight for himself. I told him that he allows Lamian to walk all over him. He mentioned that I wasn't the first or only person to tell him that. I stated that maybe that's because everyone is sick of her hurting you. After that he got silent and then shut himself up in his room.

So now Woodsmith and I are going to look for somewhere else to live. I can't stay here whether they are or not. I can't live with her anymore and even if they were to leave, this place has too many toxic feelings for me.

Do I think a friendship with Lamian will ever be able to be salvaged? No. Do I think it could with Seven? Possibly but I don't know since I don't see one with her. Do I still love him? Feverntly, part of what I hate is now I'm not able to pick up the pieces that are there every time Lamian chooses Darkeyes over him. Do I see their marriage still falling apart? Yes, almost sooner now since she won't be able to blame me for their issues.

At least I know a few good things have come out of this.

1) I know that I need the dynamic that we were exploring.
2) I know that next time I can't be with someone who has a spouse that is drastically NOT okay with their spouse wanting to be with someone else.
 
I am sorry you are hurting. Do make sure to take care of yourself and grieve if you need to. Friendship might be feasible with one but not the other. Do you think she would have an issue if you and Seven were to strike up a friendship down the line? It sounded like a tense situation all around and with Lamian's up and down moods, anyone would find that challenging to deal with. Good luck on the new home search. Sending hugs your way. :(

Ry
 
Honestly, I don't know what to think if that would happen. But right now, it's not much of a concern because I don't know how to be his friend right now. I'm affectionate with my friends (lots of hugs, really close) and if I do that with him I'm going to have my heart break even more.

Tonight I'm stage managing a play (well co-stage managing). Woodsmith is going to stay home because before yesterday Lamian was planning on spending the day/night with Darkeyes. If that's still the case Woodsmith wants to have a chance to talk with Seven and see how he's doing.
 
Just finished writing an 8 page note on 4x6 paper toSeven. Going to leave it for him along with a couple of items that I just can't have right now.
 
I'm so sorry.

Breaking up is hard, and I can't imagine what its like to remain living with someone (and his wife!) after the break up.

I've read your whole story, and I think this break up (while sad, and painful) was inevitable. Wishing you strength to cope with everything, and I hope Woodsmith (and other friends) are there for you.
 
Just got finished assisting with stage managing musical about a live sex theatre. That was an amazing experience. Any prior theatre work I've done had been on stage not behind the scenes. While hectic and stressful it was fun.

All of us playing around while getting ready resulted in one of the actors smacking my ass (even us stage managers were dressed skanky). He did three and stopped and the first words out of my mouth was that I needed to have my ass beaten.

And I didn't get upset and missing Seven when it was done. That was something I feared but my need to be full submissive was stronger than needing him.
 
Comment from Woodsmith to prelude this post because it explains the post well. "This is why I don't try to comfort people, I always say the wrong thing and make it worse."

Start off, Seven and I had our first friendly conversation since last week. Was about the show I worked and how it weren't/felt. Then awkward silence because neither of us apparently know what to do. He went downstairs to the patio which is where Woodsmith was studying. After probably a half hour or forty five minutes he came back up, said goodnight very coolly, and went to bed. I went down to talk to Woodsmith.

Asked how Seven had seemed. Told broken and that Woodsmith felt everything he brought up just made it worse. Talked about the fact that even though the two of us broke up he still sees Seven as a really close friend and that I also want that friendship back but that right now I don't know how to act as just his friend when I love him so much (all true). Seven stated he felt the same essay. Both of them talked about that while Seven and I are good for each other and Lamian and he are good for each other the two of us girls aren't good for each other. Seven admitted that he couldn't handle being inbetween us any more and just gave up fighting. Said that she and I needed to work out our shit.

Knowing he was broken broke me more because I want to be able to comfort him and can't because I don't know how as just a friend at the moment. Also got pissed about the thing with me and Lamian not working on our shit because first I wanted and asked for the three of us to have a sit down with a mediator and the reason I hangs approached her on anything was threefold. One, she wasn't present to talk to even when she was home. Two, if she bottled stuff up and snapped at him I was afraid she'd be worse to me because she doesn't love me. And three, he asked me because he said we weren't at a spot we could talk to have him be a go-between. Woodsmith is wondering if despite saying that Seven realized he couldn't do it anymore.

As for where we go from here I guess Seven put it best talking to Woodsmith. Same shit, different day.
 
Threw caution (emotional caution) to the wind this morning and asked Seven before he left for work why, if him being a buffer between both Lamian and I was hurting him so much did he keep telling me not to talk to her yet. He told me that he had no other reason for it other than he thought it was the best plan and that he was apparently wrong.

He then apologized for being as distant and cold as he has been lately. Told me that throughout all of this I have not done anything wrong and that there wasn't even a small part of him that was mad or upset with me. Just that he feels he has to act this way so he doesn't fall apart.
 
So not wanting to be here tonight but really have nowhere to go. Today is the first day that Lamian has been home since Seven broke up with me.

I'm already breaking down enough when she isn't here and now I have to share space with a horrible person.
 
So sorry, Cat. This sounds awful and painful.

Focus on taking care of yourself and on finding a new place to live.
 
So today on top of everything going on at home had my d&c to try and figure out bleeding issues. Got home to just Lamian being home and the two of us were able to be fairly civil. Later Darkeyes came over, then Woodsmith got home, then Seven. A few interesting things either took place or I learned.

1) It sucks with just Seven home because of the awkwardness we both have of still wanting our relationship. It's worse if Lamian is also home because I still have to see their affection when it's been denied me. If Darkeyes is also there it's currently the worst because it's the slap in the face that she still has get second relationship and we can't.

2) This was the first time I really noticed how this hurts Seven. He got home, sees me (at that moment just upset from the pain) crying, turns and takes a step towards me and then just has his face fall.

3) I also got to see just how much he is still in tuned to me (we always were even when we were just friends) and his attempts to still look out for me. While everyone was at the house I just start getting worse and worse. Everybody else seems to think it's from the surgery. Darkeyes leaves and the rest of us watch a movie. I'm on the couch all stretched out, Woodsmith is sitting at the one of the couch, Lamian is sitting iv the chair next to where my head is. As Seven walks by she scootches over and motions for him to cuddle on the chair with her. He tells her no and walks over to the other side of the room to sit in another chair.

Despite the relationship seeming to be dead (at not even with an undead zombie/vampire ability) at least it does seem the friendship between Seven and I will probably be salvaged. And I realized that Lamian either doesn't realize (what I think I believe is more likely) or doesn't care she's causing me such distress.
 
And I realized that Lamian either doesn't realize (what I think I believe is more likely) or doesn't care she's causing me such distress.

And if she doesn't realize it, and nobody tells her, how is she ever going to?

I know it's difficult to "rock the boat" when you're stuck living with them, but why shouldn't all the cards be on the table? I TOLD my ex why I didn't want to watch TV with him after we separated but were still living together. He didn't get it, but I at least told him where I was coming from.

How is the hunt for the new place going? Hoping for the best...
 
Been finding places. Though about looking at one today bit may wait till Monday because I can naturally move without shooting pain.
 
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