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Old 09-20-2010, 07:07 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Default How do I feel good about initiating contact?

I'm really struggling with how much to initiate conversation in my new connections.

I'm used to living with my husband, I'm used to being able to call him at any time when I'm apart from him, because I'm secure in the fact that he'll want to hear from me, and that I'm not interrupting his life. I feel secure in the fact that I can just tell him that I miss him and not feel like I am smothering him.

Outside of my husband, I don't call or text friends or family unless I have some very specific thing I want to talk about. I faithfully respond to anything sent my way, and enjoy talking with people when they do get in touch with me.

The real problem I'm having is that I've been feeling VERY strange about contacting the new people I'm getting to know. Rather ridiculously, my philosophy has been: Don't.

So I don't call, don't text. I try very hard not to IM. If they want to talk, I figure, they'll be in touch with me. Because I'm heartbroken if I try to make contact and there is no reply.

It's no surprise that I feel the most in touch with the guy who sends me little texts every day. Just that tiny bit of acknowledgment makes me feel amazing, makes me float through my day. And he hasn't even asked me out on a proper date yet.

And then I wait patiently, nervously, hoping to hear from anyone else, wondering if they thought about me at all that day.

This can't be healthy for me, and I'd love some perspective, please!
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:59 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,732

I used to feel like what you are saying. I am relatively new to computer communication and new technology. I have learned a lot in the past few years... a big lesson for me was the etiquette around texting and IM. The waiting drove me crazy and I would respond right away. I felt very disrespected and thought it rude when people wouldn't respond to me right away also.

I realize now that this is the best part about it... I can send a message when I am ready answering a question or communicating something. I know that i can ask hard questions and leave the person to answer in their own time also. It has been a good way to address issues where by there would of been some obvious emotion present if they had been face to face too.

I find that sending one text a day and expecting a text a day from those I love and care about is just about right for the long haul... more than that is fine, but if I keep my expectation to this then I am not disappointed. It's more sustainable this way.

We all have busy lives and it just isn't always appropriate or there isn't always enough time. This is what Derby and I do, because we can't always see each other. I know she is thinking about me and I her and that we are both here and we are both good if this is what occurs...

The rest of the people I text I just let it go.. I know that I can text them when I need to and that they will me also. Sometimes I just send on to say hi and don't expect anything in return... although it feels great when I do get a text back.
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Old 09-20-2010, 07:14 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Squamish, BC
Posts: 790

I am similar. If I reach out to people - and am afraid of looking like I am pushy or agressive, or there's something I want beyond what they do so they'll reject me.

I like receiving texts. And if I know that the other person likes to receive them too - I'll send them. That applies to email, phone calls, IM's... all of that.

Then I look at my OKCupid account and all the people I've reached out to - and find that ... nothing. No response. Meh.

But for me - its trying to find the balance between "I don't want to bother them" and "I hope they don't think that I'm a pest" which usually falls right around them either saying or showing that they'd like to continue contact.

*notes to self to go check if that's a cell or landline that I have*
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Old 09-21-2010, 04:50 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 119

Thank you ladies, it's nice to get some feedback. I don't feel so out of place anymore.

Also, the universe must have been looking out for me, because I got over fifty texts today from various people. The average is about three. It was wonderful, and I felt very loved.
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