XCountrygirl
New member
Hi - I'm new to the forum, and have posted my intro on the Intro forum.
Situation is this: I've been with the BF for about three months now, and we have made a verbal commitment to each other (I am married to Mr. Xcountrygirl and have been for eleven years). The boyfriend, JF, has told me he loves me and is committed to me "for as long as I'll have him", and has talked openly with his wife and me about how I fit in to their future, even setting up a room in their new house for me. We even discussed the exchange of some token to prove our commitment to each other.
That said, I am not a ring person. I am extremely active outdoors, and I find that a ring gets in the way. I do have one from Mr. Xcountrygirl that I trot out on occasion (Valentine's Day dinner, cruises with his folks, etc) but for the most part, do not wear one. However, lately I've been perusing EBay and the like for silver claddagh rings, since I've been wanting to wear both my wedding band and a ring on my right hand to show my commitment to JF. We were out with his two sons today, and as we were sitting in the children's section of the bookstore, I mentioned that I'd like to know his ring size and he froze up, panicked. I need to add that he already wears his wedding band and another chain-like ring on the right hand to symbolize his role as a sub to his wife. He also wears several ring tokens on a chain around his neck, also given to him by his wife. Now, when I mentioned giving him a ring, I meant to add as a token around his neck, which we had previously cleared as ok, but since I was getting him a ring, might as well be the correct size, should he choose to wear it as a ring in the future. His panic completely caught me off-guard and it took my breath away with how much it bothered me that it upset him. He has symbols all over his body that he "belongs" to his wife- the tokens around his neck, the two rings, and even faint scarring on his back where she carved her name there with a knife (never expecting it to scar). I just wanted something to show that there was room for me, too. He had an explanation (after I made an excuse to leave and walked away) earlier this evening about how rings are his bugaboo and how it took him a long time to accept the ones he has now. Then, after I thought we had come to an understanding that yes, right now might not be the time, there was hope for the future, in a text he says that he doesn't see rings as right for us and that we'll have to find something else to symbolize our love. When I asked why he had a problem with rings, he said it was because rings are a sign of forever. And that hurt, because he has sworn he will love me "forever".
I'm deeply hurt. This is just one of many warning flags, as I see them. He is very free with his words about how he feels about me, but he has never, ever bought or given me anything - not a flower, nothing. The other weekend we spent at a B&B, I paid for it. He did buy us one meal, but the rest we split. I pay my own way all the time. I'm ok with it most of the time, because I know his salary isn't huge and he has a family to support, but he used to talk all the time about how he is a "flower for no reason at all" kind of guy, and how he loves to express his love through little gifts. I guess, because of the lack of external tokens of love (not even a card when I was in the hospital for three days with a shattered patella), I feel like a FWB more than a partner, a love of his. And that is not what I want from him. Now, this ring thing has pushed me over the edge.
Being new to poly, I am struggling with feelings of jealousy over his wife -knowing she has precedence over me when it comes to time, etc., even knowing that when she wants a threesome with JF and her boytoy (her words), he must participate, which also bothers me. Now, it is if I got a slap in the face, as if his reaction was a sign that I will never be more than a FWB to him, regardless of what his words say.
Am I being stupid? Should I run before my heart gets broken? When we talk, he can manage to make me feel better, but then apart (which is most of the time), the doubts creep in. Any advice, even a verbal slap of reality in the face, is most welcome. TIA!
Situation is this: I've been with the BF for about three months now, and we have made a verbal commitment to each other (I am married to Mr. Xcountrygirl and have been for eleven years). The boyfriend, JF, has told me he loves me and is committed to me "for as long as I'll have him", and has talked openly with his wife and me about how I fit in to their future, even setting up a room in their new house for me. We even discussed the exchange of some token to prove our commitment to each other.
That said, I am not a ring person. I am extremely active outdoors, and I find that a ring gets in the way. I do have one from Mr. Xcountrygirl that I trot out on occasion (Valentine's Day dinner, cruises with his folks, etc) but for the most part, do not wear one. However, lately I've been perusing EBay and the like for silver claddagh rings, since I've been wanting to wear both my wedding band and a ring on my right hand to show my commitment to JF. We were out with his two sons today, and as we were sitting in the children's section of the bookstore, I mentioned that I'd like to know his ring size and he froze up, panicked. I need to add that he already wears his wedding band and another chain-like ring on the right hand to symbolize his role as a sub to his wife. He also wears several ring tokens on a chain around his neck, also given to him by his wife. Now, when I mentioned giving him a ring, I meant to add as a token around his neck, which we had previously cleared as ok, but since I was getting him a ring, might as well be the correct size, should he choose to wear it as a ring in the future. His panic completely caught me off-guard and it took my breath away with how much it bothered me that it upset him. He has symbols all over his body that he "belongs" to his wife- the tokens around his neck, the two rings, and even faint scarring on his back where she carved her name there with a knife (never expecting it to scar). I just wanted something to show that there was room for me, too. He had an explanation (after I made an excuse to leave and walked away) earlier this evening about how rings are his bugaboo and how it took him a long time to accept the ones he has now. Then, after I thought we had come to an understanding that yes, right now might not be the time, there was hope for the future, in a text he says that he doesn't see rings as right for us and that we'll have to find something else to symbolize our love. When I asked why he had a problem with rings, he said it was because rings are a sign of forever. And that hurt, because he has sworn he will love me "forever".
I'm deeply hurt. This is just one of many warning flags, as I see them. He is very free with his words about how he feels about me, but he has never, ever bought or given me anything - not a flower, nothing. The other weekend we spent at a B&B, I paid for it. He did buy us one meal, but the rest we split. I pay my own way all the time. I'm ok with it most of the time, because I know his salary isn't huge and he has a family to support, but he used to talk all the time about how he is a "flower for no reason at all" kind of guy, and how he loves to express his love through little gifts. I guess, because of the lack of external tokens of love (not even a card when I was in the hospital for three days with a shattered patella), I feel like a FWB more than a partner, a love of his. And that is not what I want from him. Now, this ring thing has pushed me over the edge.
Being new to poly, I am struggling with feelings of jealousy over his wife -knowing she has precedence over me when it comes to time, etc., even knowing that when she wants a threesome with JF and her boytoy (her words), he must participate, which also bothers me. Now, it is if I got a slap in the face, as if his reaction was a sign that I will never be more than a FWB to him, regardless of what his words say.
Am I being stupid? Should I run before my heart gets broken? When we talk, he can manage to make me feel better, but then apart (which is most of the time), the doubts creep in. Any advice, even a verbal slap of reality in the face, is most welcome. TIA!