Feeling stuck guys

If we're correcting grammar.... I think you made a little (perhaps Freudian?) slip as well, Mags. :p. PIV or POV?

I don't know that DH wants his PIV discussed here or understood..... but his POV touches some very valid points!

Not hating, just being a little facetious and playful.

Carry on. I'm enjoying this immensely. :D

Are we voting? Put the poor old dog down. Reincarnation / a new life might be wonderful for everyone!

hehe, oops! I don't claim to be perfect lol
 
I don't know if this resource helps you any. It has worksheets at the end. Maybe you could talk them over with your counselor.

http://www.uptoparents.org/files/english/documents/finishingthegrievingutpparents.pdf

I think you guys are grieving that this has to end. Maybe the paralysis/stuck is part of being in the "numb and denial" stage. Some of the "trying to make it work still" sounds like "bargaining" stage to me. You have also already been in the angry stage. Where you are/were mad that he hasn't made the changes on his side he said he was going to, and you doubt his ability to change, and are tired of propping him up in that area by shrinking yourself.

I think I have been going back and forth within the stages. There are times when I know I am DONE. Then a few days later, things will calm down and I find I am back in bargaining. I am closer to acceptance, but I know that can change. I know I am agonizing over the inevitable. And that things will be better in some ways once we finally make the decision. No more limbo.






Could take personal responsibility and go file at the courthouse. Stop "rescuing" him from a divorce if basically that's what needs to be happening so that you BOTH be free of suffering. Stop "rescuing" yourself from having to be the one to file.

Yes. I am taking the steps to being able to support myself. Currently I am self employed and I am looking for a job so that I can have steady income and benefits on my own. Right now I could not live on my own, and even together we could not support two homes. So I am doing what I need to so I can move to the next stage. It will be a few months at least before physical separation is possible, financially anyway.

I know I am moving at snails pace. While it is frustrating in some ways, I do think doing things slow is better for us. We have always been slow in how we approach things, with rare exceptions. But I am confident that we will get there. I just want to do it right, with minimal pain to the kids, and to us if possible.
 
Flip flopping stages is normal.

I know I am agonizing over the inevitable. And that things will be better in some ways once we finally make the decision. No more limbo.

You guys could make that decision today. To be free of the limbo stress.

I know I am moving at snails pace. While it is frustrating in some ways, I do think doing things slow is better for us. We have always been slow in how we approach things, with rare exceptions. But I am confident that we will get there. I just want to do it right, with minimal pain to the kids, and to us if possible.

It's ok disband slowly. Especially with financial concerns. But at least then you are on the same page pulling toward the same goal and the limbo stuff ends.

Galagirl
 
Wllowstar, if I were your therapist, I'd have you focus on turning this piece around so that you sit squarely and securely in what you want for your life. All of the machinations around what other people are feeling/thinking/doing don't really go anywhere unless they have the solid ground of your own convictions. Claiming agency over your life in a deep, unapologetic and joyful way is the absolute best gift that you can give your loved ones because the more that you are the author of your own story, the more you have to offer them. It's not about how your life looks, who lives where, who is sexing it up with whom, it's about who you are. Your children, yourself and your husband will get so much more from a woman who embraces her entirety than they ever did from one who was accommodating, apologizing and shrinking herself every day for the debatable sake of others. Our loved ones benefit so much more when we find the courage to be as big as we truly are.

This is exactly what I have been doing. Thinking of what I wish my life was like, what do I want to be doing and am not doing now. I told the therapist last week that I felt like this was just a mismatch, like when one partner knows they are gay and the other one is not. No one at fault, just not a match... I do believe it will be better for my kids in the long run.

Work on not hating, but embracing this one piece of the puzzle and I guarantee you that many of the other issues will fade. You have enormous power to change the tone in your relationships and in your family but it all starts with you and the story that you are telling yourself about your life. Write your own story and let yourself be seen!

It has been a long time since I allowed myself to do that. I think that maybe I never really did. So I am trying to see this as the opportunity to do so, to finally create the life I have always wanted for myself. I want a bigger life. :)
 
One thing I did that helped move the separation forward with my ex h, was to commandeer the guest room as my own bedroom. I was still having sex with my ex then, but having my own space to retreat to each night was so freeing and nurturing. I even decorated it in shades of calming pink and sea foam green. It felt like a comfortable womb for my bruised heart. My ex was so jealous and always watching me! I had at least one safe place in the house where I could enjoy my solitude and think my thoughts. My ex used to come to our bedroom at night when I was already in bed, turn on the TV, practice his guitar, and then finally go to sleep with the TV on, which I found so annoying.

A Room of One's Own is a precious thing.
 
One thing I did that helped move the separation forward with my ex h, was to commandeer the guest room as my own bedroom. I was still having sex with my ex then, but having my own space to retreat to each night was so freeing and nurturing. I even decorated it in shades of calming pink and sea foam green. It felt like a comfortable womb for my bruised heart. My ex was so jealous and always watching me! I had at least one safe place in the house where I could enjoy my solitude and think my thoughts. My ex used to come to our bedroom at night when I was already in bed, turn on the TV, practice his guitar, and then finally go to sleep with the TV on, which I found so annoying.

A Room of One's Own is a precious thing.

Yes, I have been thinking of this, but we dont have an extra room. I could stay in my college kids room when she is away, but she is coming home next week. I figured that was best to suggest after she goes back in January. No point in moving in there, just to move out and back into the shared bedroom for a month.

I remember how I felt when I was in my prior poly relationship, and we had set days for me to spend time with hubby and with BF. My time with BF was mostly texting or phone, but I know I felt relieved when I knew it wasnt hubby's night. He seemed more relaxed also, he knew it wasnt his night and there was no pressure to be together or find something to do together. This is really when I first began to think that maybe our marriage was not working after all, and we were just going through the motions. I suspect that once I have that space, it will feel similar.
 
Is it possible that the two of you are pretty much just staying together out of convenience? Not to sound brash, but I'm not noticing very much adoration for your husband, and sometimes vice versa. Unless I'm reading it wrong, but there seems to be a ton of "relief" when you two are apart.
 
Is it possible that the two of you are pretty much just staying together out of convenience? Not to sound brash, but I'm not noticing very much adoration for your husband, and sometimes vice versa. Unless I'm reading it wrong, but there seems to be a ton of "relief" when you two are apart.

CTF, I dont think so. We do still care for each other. We are not fighting all the time. When we are not focused on our intimacy and relationship, we tend to get along quite well. Its just that when we try to find the relationship piece, we mismatch. Lots of reasons I think.

We have talked a couple times this week, and therapy today. All were intense for us. I cant tell if it is helping or not, he is deep in his emotions about all of it and I am waiting...
 
When we are not focused on our intimacy and relationship, we tend to get along quite well.

This is where a lot of long married couples find themselves. So many, in my experience, that it seems the norm. People stay together because the years, community, extended family, children, house and shared history bind them. For most it seems to provide enough comfort and satisfaction to stay together. Only a very few value their own desire for deep, ongoing emotional and sexual intimacy enough to do something profound about it. I've said often on this forum that I understand why people choose to have affairs later in life rather than dismantle all of this - or worse, approach their spouse about polyamory, which is just unthinkable to most people.

My marriage was nothing even approximating "bad" and I had nothing to justify opting out of it, other than my own growing need to have a joyfully intimate sex life. I would never presume to tell another person what to prioritize, but I can say for myself that choosing my own sexual and emotional vibrancy above everything else is turning out to be the most surprisingly rewarding experience for me and my loved ones.
 
. . . choosing my own sexual and emotional vibrancy above everything else is turning out to be the most surprisingly rewarding experience for me and my loved ones.
"Sexual and emotional vibrancy" -- what a great way to put it. I love the idea of choosing to be VIBRANT in one's life, or expanding that feeling in specific areas of one's life.

VIBRANT and VITAL... yes!!!!!
 
Home sick thought I'd catch up a little on the forum and i wondered what's new in your situation, any progress toward a happy separation. ?
 
Hi dingedheart

Hope you are feeling better by now. :)

So update is that we have been to therapist about 3 times together, he has gone once alone and I have a solo appt next week. While we have certainly told her that we are trying to decide whether we can continue our marriage, I feel that she has focused on his issues of insecurity and his needs rather than on the issues between us. I tend to feel that these should be worked out on his own time and that our joint sessions should be about us. But that is a quirk that I can work out with her when I see her. I did bring it up at the last session together, that I wanted more time to talk about our stuff and coming up with answers and strategies. But then he had a solo session last week.

I plan to discuss with therapist next week how to go about bringing up the topic of divorce or at least separation. I did get some good resources from a friend about collaborative divorce, which I think is exactly how we would want to go. Since we really dont have any assets to divide up (no house or auto loans, not even joint bank accounts...) it is really just about custody and finances around kids for the future.

Orientation for new job end of Febuary... fingers crossed...
 
Hi Willow,

Good to hear from you again, I hope you get everything worked out with the therapist, and that the orientation goes okay.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi dingedheart

Hope you are feeling better by now. :)

So update is that we have been to therapist about 3 times together, he has gone once alone and I have a solo appt next week. While we have certainly told her that we are trying to decide whether we can continue our marriage, I feel that she has focused on his issues of insecurity and his needs rather than on the issues between us. I tend to feel that these should be worked out on his own time and that our joint sessions should be about us. But that is a quirk that I can work out with her when I see her. I did bring it up at the last session together, that I wanted more time to talk about our stuff and coming up with answers and strategies. But then he had a solo session last week.

I plan to discuss with therapist next week how to go about bringing up the topic of divorce or at least separation. I did get some good resources from a friend about collaborative divorce, which I think is exactly how we would want to go. Since we really don't have any assets to divide up (no house or auto loans, not even joint bank accounts...) it is really just about custody and finances around kids for the future.

Orientation for new job end of February... fingers crossed...

much better thanks :D

So this is still grinding slowly for you. And the therapist is still in fix mode.

Did you move into your daughters room as discussed.

So the new job starts/ officially on payroll at the end of February? Good luck :D March could be a big month for you.
 
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