Community

MonoVCPHG

New member
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the idea of “community”. I have found it to be an area of dissatisfaction for me personally and I finally got the root of this issue after long discussions with Redpepper. I was feeling frustrated that it seemed as though the poly community was over conducted, over structured, over theorized and overly concerned with becoming a community. I found it uninspiring that a community made up of the most individualistic people I have ever known seemed to have fallen into a trap of conformity and some pretence for inclusion. It also seemed to be becoming overly compartmentalized. Why was there a need to always associate social activities among like-minded people around the one primary thing they shared in common? Do we not have other areas of common interest? I never experienced the need to hyphenate every activity with “Mono” before so why do I have to start every event with the word “Poly” now?

I came to the realization that in my eyes, the community itself was the driving force behind friendships and not the friendships establishing the community.

The community seemed to be offering the chance for enrolment over the intent to provide information and guidance. This seems to isolate those that simply have found themselves in a position of having a non-traditional relationship but only wanting answers and help, not community or to join a visible and public group.

I see the people I consider friends as those that make up my community, some online, some in person. The community is not the place where my friendships originate; my friendships are the place where my community will.

I enjoy the people in "my community" far more than I enjoy the idea of community itself. They are all interesting, individualistic and valued for the diverse opinions and approaches they have. I am fortunate to have each in my life as they have taught me more about the world and myself then they realize.
 
Wow, this has really come together for you... I agree, I think that community needs to well up out of like minded people that have similar values rather than are just poly and that's it. Poly is such a vast identity and is so debated right now as it hits mainstream more and more. I am finding that I have shifted from needing to have a community that understands that aspect of my life to needing a community that accepts me for who I am even though we have differences. I need this in order to accept them also. I think it is so important to gather people around you that you know love you. The rest are worthy of exploring, but for me, not worth investing in until I know that we hold some similar values.

Some of my nearest and dearest friends have a similar quality about them one is that they are confident and self assured enough to follow their own path while staying curious about mine... they think I am crazy for my differences but love me regardless. They don't get all serious and confrontational when we talk, they are not competitive and comparing, they just love me and embrace all that I am. Some are poly, some are not. Some don't even know I'm poly. It doesn't even seem to matter that they know everything about me, as I am confident that they would love me anyway and stick with me regardless. This to me is my community.
 
Community......a bit of chosen family in a world where family should mean a lot more than it does to a lot of us.

My chosen family is a very small and select group hand picked by me for their values and traits. People I love unconditionally, who love me unconditionally as well.

To me community is a lot bigger than chosen family. Community is like your church, a place where you go to do activities with a bunch of people who have something in common but you don't necessarily know each other or even like each other very much.

Chosen family though, well chosen family is a few select people with whom you share similar thoughts, values, traits. You are there for each other through everything. Chosen family is people we have chosen to share our lives with and we really and truly like or love each other, not people who happen to share some of the same genes but don't really like each other.

Chosen family is what it sounds like you are talking about Mono, at least to me.
 
Lately I have been thinking a lot about the idea of “community”.

Hey Mon,

I think I feel where you are coming from here and have expressed somewhat similar concerns somewhere else.

Sociology is a funny thing. Hell, humans are funny things !

"Communities" by nature have the characteristic of taking on personalities of their own. No place here to go into my theories surrounding both the physics and psychology of that. Sufficient to acknowledge their existence.

But what you have picked up is at least partially why I/we don't particularly 'identify' with a 'poly' community except as an acknowledgment that we do share those certain small pieces with others. But it's certainly not some major, foundational part of a self definition.

Because one of the natures of 'communities' are their tendency to develop or attract all of the dynamics of other human systems including power play, conflict, subdivision etc. And at least for me, I think we all get along much better without these elements.

So we're "in" and "out" at the same time. Much like I suspect you feel.

GS
 
I feel the same way, Mono. Just because I am attracted to men and women, I have never looked to be "in" a "gay" or "TGBLQ" "community". I'd rather hang with cat-people and if someone there happens to be gay or bi (or CF*) then great, we can identify or connect about that, but it's the cat-things that I actually find "community". I am now connecting with certain individuals in the roller-derby "community" and finding out some of them are poly, gay, CF, or whatever, but I certainly wouldn't look to the "poly community" or "CF community" first, hoping there are cat-people and derby-people within it. I simply don't think that sexual or relationship/lifestyle preferences are enough in and of themselves to find the common ground to establish true friendships.

*CF = child-free
 
I can definitely relate...or at least understand. I think to date my biggest challenge with creating a community around the term poly has been the other differences. Most...at least around here, are pagan/hippie/very left wing...I find it difficult to relate on any level BUT poly. Which to me feels incomplete. Poly is a small subset of my personal makeup. I find myself at odds with the "community" simply because my personality structure is the opposite of most involved.

I simply don't think that sexual or relationship/lifestyle preferences are enough in and of themselves to find the common ground to establish true friendships.

100% agree. Thats exactly how I feel. I find most people (i am open to most people I meet and or know) are willing to accept I can love multiple people, but if my political/religious/sports stance is not similar, on a social level we just don't get along, which obviously means we can't go much further as a community.
 
Community......a bit of chosen family in a world where family should mean a lot more than it does to a lot of us.

My chosen family is a very small and select group hand picked by me for their values and traits. People I love unconditionally, who love me unconditionally as well.

To me community is a lot bigger than chosen family. Community is like your church, a place where you go to do activities with a bunch of people who have something in common but you don't necessarily know each other or even like each other very much.

Chosen family though, well chosen family is a few select people with whom you share similar thoughts, values, traits. You are there for each other through everything. Chosen family is people we have chosen to share our lives with and we really and truly like or love each other, not people who happen to share some of the same genes but don't really like each other.

Chosen family is what it sounds like you are talking about Mono, at least to me.

I like this Breathegirl. I think that you hit the nail on the head for me. My community is made up of like minded people in one way only, and really I wonder about that even these days. I am searching for even more like minded people in my community now as I have found who I have invested in doesn't fit as much as I feel comfortable. who knows, perhaps I will find more chosen family :)

thank you for this. :)
 
100% agree. Thats exactly how I feel. I find most people (i am open to most people I meet and or know) are willing to accept I can love multiple people, but if my political/religious/sports stance is not similar, on a social level we just don't get along, which obviously means we can't go much further as a community.

Don't want to splinter here but........(if it does we can start new)

See - now this is the kind of thing that concerns & scares me !
Nothing personal toward you Ariakas - but in general.

Some people I've seen phrase it simply....
"Why can't we all just get along ?"

I seem to see a lot of this in the world in general. All this tight grouping. Little desire and appreciation for real diversity and seeking ways to use that to make a quantum leap if you will.

Maybe I'm a dreamer - but not the only one....

GS
 
I don't think that means separateness GS, just realizing differences and what our limits are. We can all hang out and appreciate one another without being long lost friends. Just on the grounds that we are able to encompass more than one lover in our lives and partners also. It's kind of a weird thing to meet about really.

I love that when I get together with my community there is tons of differences and stories of poly for them. Stories in every way really. I have never known such a diverse group :) When we had our last poly meeting I sat and looked at them all and marveled at the fact we can all get together on this one thing and then go off and have our lives in between meetings.

Quite remarkable and I feel very fortunate.:)
 
I never experienced the need to hyphenate every activity with “Mono” before so why do I have to start every event with the word “Poly” now?

Because being "mono" is a social default. People generally don't feel the need to specialize any activities around being mono because most activities are already designed to be that way. Anyone can bring a girlfriend or boyfriend to an event and not have to deal with a slew of questions or glances. This isn't the case when people might want to bring more than one other partner. Since many of these activities wouldn't normally be openly welcoming to people who are poly, it makes sense to create such activities where there is intention to create a space where people can be openly poly during such activities without having to deal with side glances or ignorance.

I came to the realization that in my eyes, the community itself was the driving force behind friendships and not the friendships establishing the community.

I don't think that's necessarily always a bad thing. Forming friendships over common ideals or interests can be very rewarding. It doesn't have to be the only way to form friendships, but I find it one of many great ways to do so.

When it comes to communities forming out of organic pre-existing friendships, I find that to be wonderful. But I also find that communities formed over common ideals or practices to be wonderful as well. They are simply different ways to connect. I like to embrace the power of "and" in such situations.

The sheer number of posts about this particular poly community that have come from you and Redpepper seems to suggest that it is a dysfunctional community or one that you simply don't feel is a good fit for you. That's fine, but I would be cautious of using that example of an ideals/identity-based community as evidence of how all ideals/identity-based communities are flawed.
 
All good points Ceoli, thanks for the input:) No need to caution me though, I can handle myself quite well. I do see plenty of disfunction in lots of communities besides our own LOL! I see some as almost having a cultish following with leaders that speak of life experiences they themselves haven't experienced which is truly humorous. Disfunction abounds!.
 
Why was there a need to always associate social activities among like-minded people around the one primary thing they shared in common?

I hear ya Mono! I was thinking of this a lot this weekend. I feel partly at home with poly folk. I feel partly at home with people who have the same disability as me. Another part relates to back-to-the-landers and off grid-ers. Yet another part geeks out with musicians.... raw foodies...

So, I hear what you're saying.

I've spent most of my life feeling like I don't fit in. For all sorts of reasons. So, I guess it's a smattering of different communities put together that helps a person feel at home. Or maybe, a close family who really gets you, (chosen family included) and other communities that share some interests.

Wow, I'm really tired. I don't think I'm making sense. :p
 
You made total sense rolypoly and I agree. For me it's matter of not getting in too deep with people that I know don't fit my life. I tend to over invest in people without really knowing who they are.

I'm learning and am in a safe place right now to do so... so why not?! :)
 
Something caught my eye in another thread I was reading, the BDSM one. Mono, you referred to the 'culture' of BDSM and I wondered. What define's 'culture' and 'community' in the poly sense? Can you be part of the poly culture and not the community? Just thinking out loud :)
 
Something caught my eye in another thread I was reading, the BDSM one. Mono, you referred to the 'culture' of BDSM and I wondered. What define's 'culture' and 'community' in the poly sense? Can you be part of the poly culture and not the community? Just thinking out loud :)

Interesting question. I think my relationship with BDSM is a better example for clarity. I enjoy BDSM with Redpepper. I like public events and "in the bedroom". I'm not sure if I would like private play parties as they would probably involve a level of open sexuality that I am not interested in. We'll see I think ;)

With Redpepper I explore and enjoy the culture of BDSM as in the activities and energies. I do not consider myself a part of the community nor do I wish to be identified as part of that community with such things as online profiles. . (I do have one but it is essentially blank and I use it for the sole purpose of lurking LOL) When I am at public events with her I am in character, outside of that its business as usual; my play is with her.

So the short answer…Culture involves activities and how I live my life whether with others or not. Community refers to a collection of people for me.
The poly community is not necessary to me but I've never been big on needing community of any sort; the poly culture is important because it allows me to have Redpepper in my life.
 
Something caught my eye in another thread I was reading, the BDSM one. Mono, you referred to the 'culture' of BDSM and I wondered. What define's 'culture' and 'community' in the poly sense? Can you be part of the poly culture and not the community? Just thinking out loud :)

Booklady,

Now THAT is a wonderful, interesting question !
My mind was wandering in that direction the other day when I got into that mode (again) of trying to better understand all the divisiveness in the world - and why it seems to be growing rather than abating.

I look at the race issues.
I look at the GLTB issues
I look at stuff I see taking place in the poly world
I look at religious cultures

It seems to mostly come down to just that. "Culture"
It's not the actual color of a persons skin that causes a divide.
It's not where a person care to put their tongue during sex

It's all about the myriad of little things that seem to become common among any group. It's speech, music, dress, food preferences, beliefs etc etc. These are 'culture" and for any of us a particular 'culture' may just rub us wrong. It just feels .....unappealing.

So you now are faced with the challenge of how to allow a "community" to start, grow and thrive by somehow embracing, or at LEAST providing space (respectfully) for different 'cultures' within that community.

Granted - it's not always easy.
So it's easier not to even try !

But somehow - THAT 'culture' just feels..........unappealing.

GS
 
I think we may over-use the term "community", and I am probably as guilty of this as the next person.

A community is a group of people that shares a set of values.
In human communities, intent, belief, resources, preferences, needs, risks, and a number of other conditions may be present and common, affecting the identity of the participants and their degree of cohesiveness.
and
The word is often used to refer to a group that is organized around common values and social cohesion within a shared geographical location, generally in social units larger than a household.
(Both are from Wikipedia)

I would like to propose that calling any online of the online poly social networking systems a "community" may be giving it more weight than it deserves and may increase expectations beyond what could be considered reasonable.

I believe that a community needs to share a set of values whereas the poly "community" shares precisely one (and most often they can't even agree on what that one really means). Therefore to expect that just because a group of people are poly that they will/should have other things in common or should necessarily all get along is unrealistic and it puts unrealistic pressure on those communities.

I have met some highly obnoxious people who self-identify as poly, and some very nice ones too.

I like mixing with poly folk simply because I like the idea of not having to hide the fact that I have two loving relationships, but that's about where it ends as far as expectations. The rest is up to the individuals involved. As Ceoli says, I like to explore the power of "and".
 
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I think we may over-use the term "community", and I am probably as guilty of this as the next person.

A community is a group of people that shares a set of values.



I was just thinking about that. A lot of what we have described as "community" are actually better described as "networks". Me with my cats and roller-derby, redpepper with her poly group, and THIS FORUM are all more accurately defined as networks rather than communities. I am not here because I SHARE a "set of values" with everyone else here. What we share is a conscious choice to embrace a somewhat controversial lifestyle, but is has played out time and time again that we all don't share the same values as to the ideal way to live that lifestyle.
 
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