Changing, Healing, Growing

River

Active member
This thread / topic is for exploring the question as to how people change, heal, grow. This forum is about relationship/s. And relationships typically bring us up against our "stuff," our habits, our fears, our automatic reactions.... Often we don't like our own "stuff". We want to change, and yet we find ourselves stuck, unable to change even those habits which we know are unproductive, self-destructive, relationship damaging, etc.

I'd like participants here to share with us the methods or tools of change which they utilize, as well as success stories in the application of these tools or methods. What has helped you to change for the better when you were stuck?

I'll listen a bit and then share some of my own experiences, tools and methods.
 
I had a recent experience where a close friend made what everyone would class as a fairly innocuous comment. Objectively it was an innocent comment. I felt an instant emotional jolt, an instant and strong pang of something.
I didn't comment to him at the time, because I really didn't understand what the jolt was, I didn't understand how I was feeling, let alone why I was feeling that way..

Over the next few days I studied my response and tried to work out where such a strong reaction had come from. Eventually I worked out that his comment was (in my head anyway) a little too close to a comment that would have been said in a much earlier unhealthy relationship.

So the process for me was to accept that my friend’s comment was actually fine in itself. He was not guilty of saying something wrong. My negative jolt reaction was linked to my past experiences. I was aware that my past experiences actually prevented me from hearing the innocence in his comment.

I emailed him and explained what had happened, and that I had a strong emotional response that was triggered by his comment, I explained my past so he could see why I may have had such a reaction. I re-assured him the comment was indeed fine...but it would be great if he could show some added sensitivity in the future given it's an area of vulnerability for me. His response was wonderful, he thanked for for being so honest in communicating what his comment had triggered for me and he committed to be mindful of this in the future..


This was a really good process for me as I felt I had worked out the issue was with me, rather than his comment, and it also opened me up the idea that I should listen to my “jolts” more often – they mean something !

Sometimes I think of it as listening to white noise and the discovering part of the noise isn’t random, and picking up that bit that isn’t random and turning it over again and again.

I now think of an emotional jolt as a non random sound amongst white noise, and listening to that non randomness is important.

In terms of my friend, I think in the past I may have just said (to myself of course :) ) something along the lines of “oh, what a insensitive person he is....what a thing to say to me!!”
And I’m glad I didn’t treat him that way, he is a very sensitive person, and I would have been doing him a great disservice.
 
Thanks for sharing that, Bella.

Whether they be words or actions, or inactions, a lot of us have a tendency to be "triggered" about some past hurt by these, and then to react impulsively without prior reflection about the "jolts". An old injury is being touched and the energy of the reaction is tied up with the past. The actuality and potential of the present can be lost in such moments. So, yes, it's good to take some breaths, settle, and examine what's going on before jumping on a reaction train.
 
"The curious paradox is that when I accept
myself as I am, then I can change."

- Carl Rogers


I found this quote in a book I bought yesterday, which I want to recommend highly. The book is titled Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart Of A Buddha, by Tara Brach, PH.D.

Most, if not all, relationship difficulties and challenges have some of their roots in self-esteem issues. This book shows how to shine the light of compassionate awareness on one's own self, thus liberating the powers of self and other loving. I can't recommend it too highly! The author has a real knack!
 
Interesting thread, given the things going on in my life right now. These past couple of months have been hellish at times. They have also been very enlightening.

My problem is this - identifying my problems and what I need to address is the easy part. Actually changing those things - this is the part I have no idea how to do. So I stumble forward with more failures than successes, until I find something that works.
 
.... My problem is this - identifying my problems and what I need to address is the easy part. Actually changing those things - this is the part I have no idea how to do. So I stumble forward with more failures than successes, until I find something that works.

If you were to be specific about your challenges, perhaps some of the folks here could offer some insight.
 
I like the idea of identifying the reaction train. It's a good thing to keep in mind.

Good point. And it's also important not to harshly judge oneself about it while noticing and identifying it. It's best to notice, identify, and hold the awareness in compassion toward oneself and others.
 
Soon as I/we find something that works, I'll be happy to share, LOL. Right now it's a lot of comminicating and a lot of struggling for everyone, with very limited success all around. :(
 
One of the more effective self-checks that I've been employing lately is to maintain a much greater awareness of when I'm mentally playing the tape forward when thinking about certain events/situations, and forcing myself to recognize when I'm making predictions about the future based on assumptions that may be wildly incorrect and/or based on past events that aren't really germane to whatever event/situation I'm thinking about. I've realized that I sometimes have a tendency to assign malicious or untrustworthy motives to people when they really aren't there, or to incorrectly perceive mere thoughtlessness as malice.

So, whenever I find myself stewing about something that HASN'T EVEN HAPPENED YET, I recognize what I'm doing, stop doing it, and consciously re-assign positive motives instead of malicious motives to everyone involved in the event/situation. When I then re-analyze, things seem invariably less threatening and often more humorous.
 
A few words of wisdom from some people I used to take workshops with:

  1. Whatever you resist, persists and grows stronger.
  2. No two things can occupy the same space at the same time.
  3. Anything you allow to be exactly as it is will complete itself if you don't judge it.

The focus of their work is self-awareness, self-growth, and living in the moment. Amazing how incredibly simple their guidelines are. Whenever I've put these into practice, great things can happen, or I just feel good and balanced in my life.
 
2. No two things can occupy the same space at the same time.

So, I can't put a sandwich and an apple in the same lunchbox?
 
2. No two things can occupy the same space at the same time.

So, I can't put a sandwich and an apple in the same lunchbox?

You can even put the apple in the sandwich, but their molecules won't be occupying the same exact space, Silly. ;)

I think that guideline was originally a quote by Isaac Newton or someone like that. But it is true.

Can I really forgive someone while I am holding them in judgment? Can I be truly present and responsive to someone in front of me if I'm preoccupied with thoughts of other things or people? Can I give my full attention to a conversation at lunch if I am texting someone else? Can I feel good about who I am while I am beating myself up over something I did? Can I make decisions that benefit who I am today while I am focused on the past? Can I be my own person while I am resisting being just like my mother?

Multi-tasking isn't really doing two things at once; it is shifting your attention back and forth between two or more things. And being present means being with what is. Those three guidelines really work in tandem, not separately, but they do work. They help me to be able to step back and observe what's going on and respond appropriately to a situation, rather than reacting out of old tapes that get played. The result is transformation -- of myself, the situation, the people around me, or any combination of these. Even all of these can be transformed at once. It takes practice though, and reminding myself. Old patterns of thinking and behavior often get in the way.

BTW, River, the Radical Acceptance book arrived today, and I'm looking forward to diving into it.
 
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Can I be my own person while I am resisting being just like my mother?

ooooh! I really like this example! It is something I've been really examining in my life -- re-action in the place of authentic action. I can't really be authentic when I'm just reacting to something. That's the thought-/-experience I'm probing, anyway. Reactions are a sort of moving away from something, whereas authentic action / activity / self-expression ... is always moving from one's true (authentic) self, which is free of the whole push / pull dynamic rooted in lack, conditioned fear, etc. We know one from the other because one moves from a core of joy and peace and the other feels yucky. Something like that, anyway.

BTW, River, the Radical Acceptance book arrived today, and I'm looking forward to diving into it.

Fabulous!:)
 
Can I be my own person while I am resisting being just like my mother?
ooooh! I really like this example! It is something I've been really examining in my life -- re-action in the place of authentic action. I can't really be authentic when I'm just reacting to something. That's the thought-/-experience I'm probing, anyway. Reactions are a sort of moving away from something, whereas authentic action / activity / self-expression ... is always moving from one's true (authentic) self, which is free of the whole push / pull dynamic rooted in lack, conditioned fear, etc. We know one from the other because one moves from a core of joy and peace and the other feels yucky. Something like that, anyway.

Yes, let's say you make a fist and it represents the thing you are resisting. Then you push against it with your other hand, which represents you. Notice how the fingers of the pushing hand start wrapping around the fist. It takes on the same shape. Pull them apart and your pushing hand (you) is now in the same form as that fist, but just in opposition to it. It's like a mirror image.

So, in resisting and reacting, we find ourselves making decisions (root of that word = cide, which means to cut off, or kill) out of a compulsion to be "not that" -- instead of making a choice (this word's original meanings were to taste or to enjoy) out of a truly authentic desire or what we want for ourselves.
 
Edit -- a post slipped in while I was typing! I'll get to it.

Here's a vital bit of wisdom I discovered along the way....

(I read it in a book long ago. Can't remember which book, and only remember it as a paraphrase.)

How your friends treat you (and lovers, too) is how you treat yourself.

This sounds ridiculous on the face of it to many, but think about it. You keep them around. If they treat you badly? What does that say about how you treat yourself? You could walk away, right?
 
So, in resisting and reacting, we find ourselves making decisions (root of that word = cide, which means to cut off, or kill) out of a compulsion to be "not that" -- instead of making a choice (this word's original meanings were to taste or to enjoy) out of a truly authentic desire or what we want for ourselves.

Yes! Thanks!:)
 
I said,

" ... whereas authentic action / activity / self-expression ... is always moving from one's true (authentic) self, ... ".

I realized that this could be easily taken the wrong way. It would be better to say:

" ... whereas authentic action / activity / self-expression ... is always moving as one's true (authentic) self, ... ".

This way I don't provide the impression of moving AWAY "from" one's self.
 
Was just thinking of you, Charlie. I wanted to say that someone who may have been you attempted not so long ago to "friend" me on FaceBook (FakeBook?) and I didn't respond. I did not respond because I seem to have an alergy to FB. It's not a horrible alergy; it's just that it represents just one more online way I can use up a bunch of time. I have LOTS of time, but I'm trying to hone in on how to spend it best, etc..., etc....

Okay, now I'll make some popcorn and watch this here movie.
 
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