I moved out with my kids and am going to be filing a divorce, ending eight years of marriage. With the cheating, the rape, the disrespect and now the manipulative behavior - I'm better off alone than to continue. And no amount of "counseling" is going to help me get over the fact that my husband rapes me in my sleep. And sure, he hasn't done it for three months, but so what? He promised me he would stop after I begged, cried, threatened and even attacked him and he always relapses. Eight years of that and you will never trust that person again.
He needs help. I've told him that. He told me I have to take him in to the ER get help in the middle of the night. I told him I'm not waking the kids up for him to sit in the ER. I would help, but he would have to wait till morning. He flips out, starts breaking things. Yells and threatens me. So I sit in the the ER all night and most of the day just for him to tell the doctor to ask ME what I wanted HIM in there for. He's not ready for help if he's not willing to accept he's got a problem. BTW, they gave him information to continue therapy. He has made no attempt to call them. Says he can "change on his own" I wake up violated. Yeah. He's sure changing.
He's not poly material. And really, I'm not so sure I'm poly at all. I wanted monogamy up until I met him. I was faithful to him until I caught him cheating and we became swingers. I hated swinging. I wanted love. Longed for it. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my husband. Because I was weak? Because I didn't want to throw a marriage away? Who knows. But I'm stronger now. Finding real love from a respectful person and a culture that is so soooo different from American men.
I can say that I've grown very bitter towards westernized culture. I have had so many boyfriends and so many of them have betrayed, belittled and hurt me. My Pakistani boyfriend asks me, "Why is it so easy for American people to throw their relationships away? Their parents, their sibling, their lovers. It's just easy for you." He's right. We break up, reform, get over, start again and it's so common we don't even think twice about it usually. Maybe that's why I wanted my marriage to work. I didn't want to just throw it away, no matter how much hurt I was enduring. . .
I'm afraid I will fail my boyfriend only because an entire marriage of fucking whoever you wanted has tainted my good judgement. It's a bigger challenge for me to have the dicipline to say "no go" now that I've had so many green lights. Like drinking soda. Addictive. But just like soda, just as destructive to myself. It's also destructive to my relationship I have been building with God and my boyfriend. I know I can do it, I've done it before, and I know that I DON'T like what I feel after the frisky fun is over.
It's also been challenging to accept that this man wants to know ME and my thoughts and the sex part is only a side interest. That's so alien to me. I'm so use to it being the center point of my culture and relationships. Here is a man from a culture where it's no where near the centerpoint and is even hidden from their culture. Sure, those desires are there. But that's a rare side of him I get to see. Instead, it's hours and hours of talking about everything under the sun, watching movies together, listening to him sing (he sings better in Urdu than he does English. haha), practicing to speak his language. So many other joys and I realize how much more I'm in love with this man than I am to my husband who seems to have sex as his only thought. And not just with me, but for countless other women on this planet.
Wanna know the kicker? My husband has even had the nerve to tell me that he's allowed an open relationship because he felt like after I nearly died at 17 from a car accident, he didn't want to put any restrictions on me. Yet, he has always hated the idea of me having swinger relations without him being present and for having a true loving, poly relationship.
I want to change who I am. I need to heal a lot after this marriage. My boyfriend has helped me so much. Yes, we've had our battles too. It's been almost a year now and I know that there are more battles to come. They are getting easier though. Bridging a cultural and distance divide is NOT an easy challenge. But our love has only gotten stronger and it feels like he's right here. Really, the only time it feels like he isn't is when I need his embrace. <3
He needs help. I've told him that. He told me I have to take him in to the ER get help in the middle of the night. I told him I'm not waking the kids up for him to sit in the ER. I would help, but he would have to wait till morning. He flips out, starts breaking things. Yells and threatens me. So I sit in the the ER all night and most of the day just for him to tell the doctor to ask ME what I wanted HIM in there for. He's not ready for help if he's not willing to accept he's got a problem. BTW, they gave him information to continue therapy. He has made no attempt to call them. Says he can "change on his own" I wake up violated. Yeah. He's sure changing.
He's not poly material. And really, I'm not so sure I'm poly at all. I wanted monogamy up until I met him. I was faithful to him until I caught him cheating and we became swingers. I hated swinging. I wanted love. Longed for it. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to my husband. Because I was weak? Because I didn't want to throw a marriage away? Who knows. But I'm stronger now. Finding real love from a respectful person and a culture that is so soooo different from American men.
I can say that I've grown very bitter towards westernized culture. I have had so many boyfriends and so many of them have betrayed, belittled and hurt me. My Pakistani boyfriend asks me, "Why is it so easy for American people to throw their relationships away? Their parents, their sibling, their lovers. It's just easy for you." He's right. We break up, reform, get over, start again and it's so common we don't even think twice about it usually. Maybe that's why I wanted my marriage to work. I didn't want to just throw it away, no matter how much hurt I was enduring. . .
I'm afraid I will fail my boyfriend only because an entire marriage of fucking whoever you wanted has tainted my good judgement. It's a bigger challenge for me to have the dicipline to say "no go" now that I've had so many green lights. Like drinking soda. Addictive. But just like soda, just as destructive to myself. It's also destructive to my relationship I have been building with God and my boyfriend. I know I can do it, I've done it before, and I know that I DON'T like what I feel after the frisky fun is over.
It's also been challenging to accept that this man wants to know ME and my thoughts and the sex part is only a side interest. That's so alien to me. I'm so use to it being the center point of my culture and relationships. Here is a man from a culture where it's no where near the centerpoint and is even hidden from their culture. Sure, those desires are there. But that's a rare side of him I get to see. Instead, it's hours and hours of talking about everything under the sun, watching movies together, listening to him sing (he sings better in Urdu than he does English. haha), practicing to speak his language. So many other joys and I realize how much more I'm in love with this man than I am to my husband who seems to have sex as his only thought. And not just with me, but for countless other women on this planet.
Wanna know the kicker? My husband has even had the nerve to tell me that he's allowed an open relationship because he felt like after I nearly died at 17 from a car accident, he didn't want to put any restrictions on me. Yet, he has always hated the idea of me having swinger relations without him being present and for having a true loving, poly relationship.
I want to change who I am. I need to heal a lot after this marriage. My boyfriend has helped me so much. Yes, we've had our battles too. It's been almost a year now and I know that there are more battles to come. They are getting easier though. Bridging a cultural and distance divide is NOT an easy challenge. But our love has only gotten stronger and it feels like he's right here. Really, the only time it feels like he isn't is when I need his embrace. <3