Poly with limits?

younglove

New member
I am in a poly situation (I have a husband - 4 years, and a boyfriend - 2 years) and neither of them have dated anyone else. There's been mild attempts like phone numbers exchanged and group hangouts (for my husband... not at all my boyfriend)..

My boyfriend I'd say is probably better suited for monogamy - When we started dating he wasn't sure he could handle polyamory - but he was interested in me and ended up pursuing me and has been very serious about our relationship. He has a great relationship with my husband and has been very involved in our daily lives and at times we really function as a team. Still though, I sense he would prefer monogamy - he has virtually 0 interest in other people.

My question comes into play here - where - there seems to be - at least the impression I have from various conversations, statements, jokes, whatever .... a limit that I should only have two partners ... I am not sure if because I feel bad they havent had any others ... or because this is what makes them most comfortable - but there seems to be a limit on the number of partners I can see...

This was never a problem - it's not a problem necessarily now - but I am wondering what to do when/if I end up sensing a connection to another person happening and I would like to pursue it - and the reason is because it seems contradictory for me to refrain from pursuing others while being in a poly relationship... ( but i do not want to break any boundaries or comfort levels or anything like that).

I am not sure exactly how to go about asking them about it... I suppose I could continue to be open about people I meet/find interesting/want to hang out with.. let them meet them etc.. but bare in mind that I should not let the relationship build further without seeing where they stand on this third partner issue?

I think what I want to know is how do I talk to them about this limit? And is the limit reasonable or not? I think the limit exists because I was working/going to school for so long which consumed a lot of my life - and that was already limiting the amount of time I could dedicate to them - that the idea of a third and less time was extremely unappealing.

What are other people's opinions? Please be gentle with me in the replies..

Thanks!
 
I sense he would prefer monogamy - he has virtually 0 interest in other people.

To me your BF sounds happy enough being monoamorous in a polyship. He is here isn't he?

One can be monoamorous (love 1) and be in a monogamous shape thing with 1 partner. He can be content meeting his want/need to have 1 sweetie there.

One can be monoamorous and be in "V" shape poly thing. He can be content meeting his want/need to have 1 sweetie there.

He doesn't HAVE to have any interest in other people.

I am wondering what to do when/if I end up sensing a connection to another person happening and I would like to pursue it - and the reason is because it seems contradictory for me to refrain from pursuing others while being in a poly relationship... ( but i do not want to break any boundaries or comfort levels or anything like that).

Just because one is polyamorus doesn't mean one cannot say "No, not at this time. My plate is full right now."

Everyone reaches a polysaturation point sooner or later.

Even in the same person at different times of life -- the polysaturation point can change. One easy example is you might be free enough with time and money and other resources to date many and have a high polysaturation point while a younger adult. But once work and/or kids comes into the picture, your polysaturation point may be smaller because you now have those things taking up more of your time and money resources.

I am not sure exactly how to go about asking them about it... I suppose I could continue to be open about people I meet/find interesting/want to hang out with.. let them meet them etc.. but bare in mind that I should not let the relationship build further without seeing where they stand on this third partner issue?

That's sensible enough. Talk to them about it. Just be up front and ask. Where's their comfort zone at this point in time?

You do not exist in a silo in your configuration's polymath. What you do/do not do affects other people to a certain degree with the resources.

For example -- if you and husband share finances and you spend so much dating that you guys can't make rent or the car payment, he's not going to be thrilled, right?

If your BF is happy spending enough time with your when it's a 3 people "V" thing, but then you go jump into a 10 people "you are the hub of the wagon wheel" thing with no warning and BF sees you much less often? BF is not going to be thrilled to go from seeing you a few times a week to seeing you a few times every few weeks or months right?

Just talk to them up front about your thoughts and what the resources at this point in time are, and what each of their limits are. You can do this. It's part of relating in a polyship to talk things out. So talk.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
I struggle with this. Ok it's true I don't have time for more partners. When it wsa just Nate and me I had dated here and tthere and was satisfied with just knowing that if I met someone I could date them if I wanted. Sam is monogamous and most definitely not ok with me having more partners. Now that I'm being restricted in that way it's kind of a forbidden fruit situation lol. This is why I never wanted polyfidelity. It goes against what I want for myself. Not that I want to date others necessarilybut if i wanted to its hard to tell myself no. I get that same trapped feeling i get when i was in a mono relationship
 
I'd say you definitely need to talk to your husband and boyfriend about this. Give them the opportunity to express their opinions and needs, give yourself the opportunity to express *your* opinion and needs, and give the three of you the chance to negotiate a middle ground if those opinions and needs don't match up.

Hubby, Guy, and I have talked about this extensively. I don't feel it's "fair" (whatever that means) for me to have both of them but expect each of them to only have me. Complicating the situation, Guy lives way too far away for me to actually see him, so our relationship is almost entirely phone and online messaging.

The agreement we've come to is that each of us is free to find other friends, sexual partners, or friends-with-benefits, but that none of us will seek love or a romantic relationship with anyone else. That's been Guy's preference anyway; he doesn't want any other relationship besides the one with me, but he does want to be free to "hook up" with other women if the possibility is presented. At this point, I'm more interested in friendships than additional romantic relationships or sex, and Hubby is pretty much monogamous though he wouldn't pass up the chance to sleep with another woman if one offered.
 
And is the limit reasonable or not?

For me? Oh absolutely not reasonable. While I do hold the emotional well being of my loved ones as a high priority, my autonomy is exponentially more important. So according to my values and priorities this request is not reasonable in any way.

For you? Only you can know that. What's more important to you? You can agree to a limit like this or you can deny the request - it all depends on what you want.

There is no right or wrong answer here but I suggest going with the answer that is honest and in line with what you value most.
 
interesting...

I'm on a phone so forgive my typing or brevity.. I agree with inyourendo about feeling a little trapped ... But not in a terrible way.. In a way that reminds me of monogamy and conflicts with my values.

As for my values.. I cannot do sexual relationships at all that do not involve romance .. Currently I am friends with someone I have spent a lot of time with lately but have been careful not to let things develop in a way I haven't spoken to my husband or boyfriend about. They've met him and hung out with him a lot and like him and they know I talk to him a lot.

As suggested I read about poly saturation and like the idea that I should leave myself some room so that if a family crisis or other problems arise I could handle it... Or if things weren't really smooth .. Handle that... Right now my relationships are very serious and very smooth. A third person would definitely be more peripheral ... And questionably not sexual.

I will talk to them about it because I want to be up front about these concerns but I also wanted to give myself some education about what is reasonable and should be considered before voicing my opinion.

Thanks very much for your help! I wish I could talk to them both at the same time but my husband just left for 3 months and itll be more difficult... I really dont want to worry him while he is gone. Not that he needs to worry.
 
Next time one of them jokes or makes those kinds of comments, don't laugh along and pretend it wasn't said. If I were you, I would say, "Hey, don't joke about that - you never know who I might meet!" in a lighthearted, but firm, way. And if that is met with a challenge, all you need to say is that there are no limits to your ability to love and manage relationships except for what you personally feel is necessary, and that you don't find it amusing to even joke about having limits imposed on you by someone else. If that doesn't get the message across or start a dialogue about it, I don't know what will.
 
Last edited:
Wishing there was a like button for what NYCindie wrote...
 
I have never agreed on a closed relationship, and will not do it. I agree with Marcus that my personal autonomy is the most important thing for me.

That said, I have reached my polysaturation point at the moment and am not open for new connections right now - have not been since I met Mark. But, I keep the option open for possibly adding another partner in the future. And *I* am the one who gets to decide.

My guys are not thrilled of the thought of me having yet another partner, but I won't promise them that there never will be one. That would make me feel trapped, just like Inyourendo describes.
 
FWIW, I am in an MFM V, two guys sharing one gal -- and I don't think it'd bother me if she had a third guy. I don't know, unless he was a jerk or something, but she's pretty discriminating so I doubt that'd happen. Anyway, I think she sees herself as at her saturation point, so it's probably a non-issue. [shrug]
 
For us it came down to time-frames...adding a new person into the mix ripples through all of the relationships in the polymath, and there can be the NRE to deal with/get through (or enjoy - for those who like that phase). Dude didn't start actively looking for a new partner until we had been together for 2 years. We he (and me and MrS) started seeing Lotus, she asked for a "temporary closing" (of the her, me, Dude Vee/triad) while we got to know each other and settle into the "new normal."

Sounds, to me, that you have never really taken the idea of more partners off the table...and two years in to your relationship with your boyfriend seems like things should be fairly stable by now. From the "teasing" it does sound like their (unstated) expectations don't match up with your (unstated) agreements. It's certainly time for a conversation to bring all that out in the open! That being said - there is no rush to ACT. You could choose to hold off on the conversation with your husband until he is back...3 months from now.

ORr you could choose to begin the conversation now, to give him time to think on it..."Honey, at some point when you get back I'd like to have a good conversation about our expectations around the possibility of meeting/dating/entering relationships in the future. No rush, I just wanted to let you know that it's something that I've been thinking about - what "poly" means to me/us, and what that will look like in the future. I'm going to talk to BF about this too...as I think he may have some expectations that need to be addressed. I'll keep you posted..."

I probably wouldn't talk to one without also talking to the other...or your thoughts/conversations will seem like a "done deal" to the one that wasn't "in the loop" - but that's just how I view it. I think being able to bounce the ideas around "Hey, so-and-so said that they felt this way...do you feel that way too?" - so everyone is involved in the conversation-in-progress.

JaneQ
 
So, a little bit of time has passed since I was here last with this question.

With the jokes, they were actually always in my favor and never negative. In a way I think they have opened the dialogue up a little bit. I have talked to my boyfriend and my husband a little bit more about the situation and presented the idea that we will talk about it more officially and together when he [husband] gets back.

One thing is that I do need to be aware of my polysaturation - and I am about to start a new job and move to a new home, and I also found out a close family member is ill - So I do need to be cautious about taking on another partner just from that alone.

I think from the conversations I have had with them thus far, that they are mostly concerned with the time they'll get to spend with me. They each view it as "half time" right now with the 7th day of the week being a "me day" and are worried that a new partner will afford them considerably less time. I presented the idea that a new partner would take on the role of a secondary since my husband and boyfriend are both very primary and I can really only handle two primary relationships and as of right now the potential 3rd person I have in mind now I am completely comfortable with it being a secondary relationship.

I do wish I was more free to choose the number of partners I have and test out if I want to pursue relationships there... Although, I generally take a long time being friends with people before it gets too far.. and it's also very important to me that my husband and boyfriend meet potential partners and get a sense of if hes a good person/nice guy etc..

But once they've met them and like them - I would like to more freely explore if I would want to pursue a relationship. Right now, I am in this awkward stage of liking a friend (which I have told everyone involved that I like him) where I can't really step over the forbidden "line" of "more than friends" and I am wondering if I will necessarily *want* to pursue a relationship with this person or not still. I almost feel like if that line is ever lifted, that there will be this awkward "now we can!" stage that I wish wasnt there and instead things could happen more naturally.

I guess I just don't like the feeling that I cannot pursue my feelings for someone just yet (or possibly at all) because of previous assumed limits. And I am also worried that my husband and boyfriend are going to really disagree with time being their reason. My husband in a way said that he would prefer if he met someone first before I dated another person - which I said is keeping score and unfair - but he said it's not keeping score he just doesnt want to be alone even more of the time.
 
While I understand your feeling that your bf (and perhaps husband) may be giving you the vibe that you should not date others, I think you also need to consider the..., the depth of the relationships you seek.

Right now, you have two very deep and smooth relationships with your husband and bf. You might be able to add a FWB without affecting the depth of those two relationships, but if you go adding a 3rd with the same expectation of depth, time is a limiting factor. You may actually ending up sacrificing the depth and smoothness you currently share with your two primary partners for that 3rd relationship. There is no way you can add another partner and not affect the other two - just because of the time factor.

I mean suppose your husband and bf both support you having others, that is still no assurance that the relationships will not suffer due to time constraints. You go from spending 3 days a week with each to 2 days a week with husband, bf, and new partner. So the equation becomes how much time is necessary to maintain the depth and smoothness you enjoy now?

I ask these questions not out of concern that your partners might suffer, but out of concern that YOU might be cheating yourself of the depth and smoothness you now have. Sometimes, it is difficult to see that we may want to choose to limit ourselves when we feel others are trying to make the choice for us.

Only you know the answer.
 
Why do they believe that your friendship with this other person would take time away from them only if it turned sexual/romantic? Don't you ever spend time with this person and other friends? If you do, then any time you spend with platonic friends takes time away from them too (as if they own your time to begin with). Going out on a date with someone your romantically involved with wouldn't be much different than going to a movie with a friend.

I think the time issue is possibly an excuse to cover up other issues, or is wrapped up in whatever beliefs they have about what kinds of commitments you would "have to" make in an additional romantic relationship.

I guess I just don't like the feeling that I cannot pursue my feelings for someone just yet (or possibly at all) because of previous assumed limits. And I am also worried that my husband and boyfriend are going to really disagree with time being their reason. My husband in a way said that he would prefer if he met someone first before I dated another person - which I said is keeping score and unfair - but he said it's not keeping score he just doesnt want to be alone even more of the time.

I think you need to keep reiterating that you live life on your terms and no one else's, and that they may not be fully understanding what having another relationship would entail for you. It is also not your responsibility to make sure your husband utilizes his time alone better. He could be going out and meeting people now if he wants. Limiting what you do won't make how he uses his time any different.
 
Last edited:
I agree that you should pursue what is right for you regarding any new relationships, subject to your ability to handle them. Remember that making any changes or additions creates a dynamic situation. This may affect your current partners in unpredictable ways even when discussed in advance, as feelings can change. They are also free to decide what is in their own best interests, and in some scenarios (perhaps not yours, but other people in their arrangements) may decide that the arrangement no longer works for them.
 
They are also free to decide what is in their own best interests, and in some scenarios (perhaps not yours, but other people in their arrangements) may decide that the arrangement no longer works for them.

Agreed. You are free to do what you like but there are repercussions that you have to be willing to accept. If the husband and bf aren't getting the time that they've become accustomed to it could change the entire dynamic of the relationship.
 
Would you be willing to give up your "me day" in order to have one day a week with a secondary partner while your primary partners each still get three days a week with you?
 
Back
Top