Learning About Open Relationships?

breadqween

New member
Hi there! I’m new here, but I’m glad I found this forum. Recently I’ve been thinking about the idea of opening my relationship.
I have a boyfriend of 2 years, and I am currently pregnant with our first child! I have learned that my boyfriend has repressed sexual feelings for men, and has for a while. We’re in a committed relationship, but since these feelings have just recently surfaced, I don’t think it’s fair for him not to be able to explore. But ai wanted to learn more about opening the relationship for him to be able to explore before I bring it up to him.
Any personal experiences, or general advice would be very greatly appreciated.
Some questions I’d like to ask are as follows:
  • Are we still considered “committed” to each other if he is allowed to explore outside of the relationship?
  • What kind of boundaries can I discuss? (I wouldn’t want him to explore romantically, or with woman, is that ok?)
  • Can relationships be open “part time”? (I kind of just want it open for him to be able to explore)
  • Is it inevitable that he will leave me? (I understand it’s possible, if he decides he wants to explore romantically)
  • Is it too much that I demand proof of his partners to be tested before he does things with them?
I probably will have more questions as I go along, these are the ones I can think of for now.
I appreciate anyone taking the time to read and share their thoughts! Thank you!
 
I guess I'm surprised it is you asking rather than the BF on here.

FWIW, here's my thoughts.

You aren't a mind reader. For you to know, you have to ask. You can ask whatever questions you want to ask of him. He is free to respond as he sees fit.

We’re in a committed relationship, but since these feelings have just recently surfaced, I don’t think it’s fair for him not to be able to explore.

Why not? You don't think it's fair for a parent to shelve some things they might want for later in life in favor of first attending to the baby they made?

What does the BF actually need? To STOP repressing his thoughts and feelings? Well, he could talk and express with you or others and stop repressing. Is that enough for now for him?

What do you mean by "explore?" Like talk with you more about it? Read a book? Websites? :confused: If so... That you might be able to do along with adjusting to parenthood and before involving other people.

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/


Or do you mean for him to go out find a male sex partner for a FWB situation right NOW? That might be something else. Esp if it leaves you single mom-ing it and burning out at home with a newborn.

Which leads to me asking you... What makes "pregnancy time" is the best time to Open to you? :confused:

The existing relationship model is on the clock. It will no longer be "2 adults in relationship" soon. It will change into "2 new parents meeting the needs of a newborn." Which a lot of new parents find discombobulating all by itself.

So when it's already lots of changes coming soon... why pile ANOTHER set of big changes on top of that called "changing to an Open relationship?" :confused:

And which open model are you talking about? It sounds like casual NSA sex or FWB. No sharing love. (Which is not polyamory.)

Are we still considered “committed” to each other if he is allowed to explore outside of the relationship?

Couples define their own way of expressing commitment. And if you are going very different from your family of origin, you could expect some flak from outsiders looking in (ex: friends and family who think "commitment" only comes THIS way so why are you guys doing THAT?)

And with overzealous grandparents -- would that lead to them trying to gain custody of the baby because in your practicing Open Relationship... that means you are "unfit" parents in their eyes? There's been sad threads on here on that situation arising.

What kind of boundaries can I discuss? (I wouldn’t want him to explore romantically, or with woman, is that ok?)

You can discuss whatever. You are only up for doing Open Models like A, or C.

Doesn't mean he will agree to it. Because maybe he only likes Open Models B and D. Or doesn't think X is any of your business.

Again... Figure out what Open models you are each up for and if those things are even a match. Not a definitive list, but perhaps helpful articles.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

http://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf

And what happens if one partner wants to change the agreements and the other does not? Then what? What are the deal breakers?

Can relationships be open “part time”? (I kind of just want it open for him to be able to explore)

You don't have to date if you don't want to.

What do you get out of him being able to explore? Why's this so important to YOU a this time?

Is it inevitable that he will leave me? (I understand it’s possible, if he decides he wants to explore romantically)

Or you might leave him. Or you stay together. One cannot predict outcome ahead of time.

Is it too much that I demand proof of his partners to be tested before he does things with them?

You can ask for labs, knowing the limitations of labs and costs of labs.

And you could also use condoms and other barriers when you share YOUR body with your BF. You are responsible for care of your body. He is responsible for his.

Becoming demanding? Why do that? If you don't want to deal in being in a Open thing, just don't.

Let me ask you one...


What happens if/when the FWB and your BF develop feelings for each other?


You expect him to dump the FWB? Or are you willing to change the model again? All while grappling with an infant?

My suggestion would be to talk with the BF about it, but not rush into doing anything irreversible.

Could deal with the pending adjustment of new parenthood first and settle that down first. At most, leave "Open" to just reading and learning about it.

I think him dating men could wait some. The baby adjustment period has to come first. They didn't ask to be born or be here. They deserve full attention of the parents, IMHO.

Galagirl
 
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Honestly, no I don’t think it’s fair to him OR me if he keeps these feeling repressed. And I wouldn’t want him to be staying with me just because we have a baby together. I also don’t want him to start to subconsciously resent me because he wasn’t able to figure out his sexuality. I don’t want to be a cover up, and I guess that’s one of my concerns. That if he comes to the conclusion that he would like to be with a male partner, I don’t want to be surprised. I want to be able to prepare for that, BEFORE the baby, because that means so many things. We were planning to buy a house together very soon. If he realizes that he wants to be with someone else, I obviously don’t want to buy a house with him. If he’s thinking about what could be with a man, I think he should figure that out. If him exploring sexually with men helps him realize that yes, he’s Bi or Pan or whatever, but wants a closed monogamous relationship with me, then good. If not, obviously we shouldn’t be together.
The idea is that he explores his sexuality with men (I suppose a FWB type of relationship) in order to figure out what he wants for those reasons.
This is all completely new to me and I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place for this post. I honestly don’t know anything about polygamy/open relationships and I apologize for being ignorant on the subject, thinking they were the same thing.
I hope this helps answer some questions. I’m just kind of rambling, but this situation has been stressing me out. I’m very confused and I’m trying to get unbiased advice. I can’t talk to friends about this because they don’t have experience with it, and I obviously can’t mention the fact that my boyfriend has these feelings.
 
Hello breadqween,

As far as I am concerned, it is fine for you to post your questions here, yes polyamory has emotional involvement, but that doesn't mean we can't talk about nonmonogamy (e.g. open relationships) in general.

I kind of get the impression that what you have in mind is, for your boyfriend to explore while you are still pregnant, and then after the baby is born, things change? like you would not want him to explore after the baby is born? and would you want him to break up with anyone he is seeing at that time?

Have you talked with him yet about the idea of opening your relationship? Do you know yet how he feels about it? How does he feel about going back to monogamy after the baby is born? Is that okay with him?

I would still consider you to be committed to each other if he is allowed to explore outside of the relationship. You don't have to be committed to monogamy in order to be committed to each other. Of course that's my opinion, others may say that you're not committed, but just because others say that, doesn't mean that you have to agree with them.

I would consider it reasonable to ask him to not explore romantically, and to not explore with women. And it is reasonable for him to agree to that, but it is also reasonable for him to disagree. This is the part where you have to find out if you are compatible with each other.

I don't know what you mean by "part time," do you mean that you want only him to explore, while you yourself would not want to explore?

It is not inevitable that he will leave you. Possible, but not inevitable.

Safer sex is important, I would consider it reasonable to ask him to get proof of his partners getting tested. Of course he could say no to that ... in which case you'd have to see if you could come up with a suitable compromise.

Hopefully that answers your questions so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for more info. That helps.

It's ok to write or post here about your stuff as you sort it out.

It's also ok to be new/confused. I was just trying to understand where YOU were in the picture because you kept talking more about HIM and his stuff. This time you had more of what YOU want or need more clearly.

  • You don't want him to be with you just because you have a baby together.
  • You don't want him to resent you because he couldn't figure himself out sooner.
  • You don't want to be his beard or cover up.
  • You don't want to be surprised if he decides to break up with you to be with a male partner.
  • You don't want to buy a house together if this is up in the air still.
  • You sound like you need some support as you sort all this out, and friends/family aren't the support people you want to turn to.

I could be wrong, but you sound like you want him to figure himself out so you can know if you guys can be together romantically or if it is best just leaving it as coparents.
That doesn't sound like you want Open or Poly. Like "Yay! Open/poly is the dream relationship model I always wanted to be in!"

Is that true?

If so... How far out is the birth? What about a trial separation until then or for 6-12 mos? It might be easier going more basic -- (we are dating/together) or (we are not dating/together) because you already know what those shapes are. Rather than jumping into a whole new Open model shape you don't know much about. Take away from the stresses, not pile more on.


Then it can just be him dating people and you are free from most the the things that concern you. You can be try on being on your own and NOT be surprised or taken aback if it ends up as a permanent separation. And he has some space to figure himself out before the baby comes. Without adding the stress for either of you of trying to do new Open relationship stuff on top of all this "sort my orientation out" stuff.

  • You can know with a trial separation that he's not with you just because you have a pending baby together. Because you are separated.
  • In doing a trial separation, you can know it's all on him if he gets back together with you and then ends up resenting his choice. It is not anything you did. (If this wasn't the thing for him why come back then? Then grump at you about that?)
  • You don't have to be his beard or cover while he's dating.
  • You are already on trial separation, so if it ends up being a permanent separation, there's less surprise. And you already know how to cope on your own.
  • You haven't bought a house together and gotten more entangled that way.
Then that leaves lack support systems for yourself. Like... if you can't solve ALL the ughs... REDUCE the number of ughs on your plate. YKWIM?

Could you be willing to see a counselor who deals in this kind of stuff? LGBTQ problem things?

Galagirl
 
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Hi and welcome.

I've got some questions.

How old are you and bf?

How far along is the pregnancy?

Was this a planned pregnancy?

Was your bf doing the "get a gf, have a kid, get a house thing" to try and force himself into a straight mold? Because maybe he's been repressing "the gay" since puberty, and is homophobic, and doing his damnedest to appear straight to fit into "normal hetero" society? Maybe his family, or your state, is very conservative?

I guess I see you being very kind to bf. Me? I'd be angry if my bf and I planned a pregnancy and a house and then all of a sudden, the bun baking, he's all, Hey, I need to fuck men now.

I am a child advocate and believe very strongly that kids needs come first. Period.

On the other hand, I get the idea you fear bf will be an unfit father if he's out there sowing his wild oats with gay or bi men, and would put the baby low on his priority list anyway. You'd rather raise the child on your own, with a support system other than the bio dad, if bf has different priorities anyway.:(

It's sad. :( You and he have only been together 2 years. And are maybe young and still figuring out sexual identities and many other things in life. And now there's a new person coming in, for whom both of you should be responsible, but now bf might be gay, or at the very least bi, and you both seem to think him having sex with men is more important than the needs of a brand new and entirely vulnerable human being you've made the choice to bring into the world.

It's OK to be bi or pansexual! I am myself! I however, lived monogamously with my kids' father, my husband, for many years before he and I tried polyamory (and eventually divorced). I experimented with women as a teenager but I chose to live in a monogamous apparently heterosexual relationship for many reasons, one of which was putting the needs of our children first. But life is long. The kids grew up. My ex and I grew apart. And now I've been loving and living with a woman for 10 years. And we are poly and we both date men too.

How much of a rush is bf really in to start actually having sex, even hookups, one night stands, with men? Could he get by with porn for the first year or two of his child's life? Just to make things less complicated and exhausting?

How are you feeling in the pregnancy? Are you healthy? Do you need care? Is there anyone in your life to provide you with care if bf goes off pursuing hookups or love with men? Is there anyone in your life to share infant care with if bf is out of the picture? Will you be able to stay home to care for baby for at least a few months, whether you are with bf or not? Do you want to be looking for a roommate to share finances with while you are pregnant? A roommate who will be fine to live with a newborn, with all the attendant issues a baby brings? Or maybe you're financially in a good place and can afford to live alone. Or maybe you can move back in with your parents for a while?

Questions... questions... I am sorry you're going through this. So many men decide they are "poly" when the wife is pregnant or there's a newborn, just because they are selfish and really not into being a dad. So then Mom is stuck with the spawn and dad can go on living the single life! Ugh!
 
After reading Mags' post I am confused. I was under the impression the husband hasn't asked for anything. It sounds like the OP wants him to sow his wild oats so she can be sure whether or not he will commit to only her. She's trying to be practical in finding this out before she commits.

OP, I get your idea of fairness. However, it's really up to him to decide if he needs to explore this.

From my biased poly perspective, yes, people can be committed to each other and see other people. Also, your rules would not work in a poly situation, but might be fine for an open relationship scenario.

Really though, I think the two of you should broach this subject together, rather than you figuring it all out ahead of time.
 
After reading Mags' post I am confused. I was under the impression the husband hasn't asked for anything. It sounds like the OP wants him to sow his wild oats so she can be sure whether or not he will commit to only her. She's trying to be practical in finding this out before she commits.

OP, I get your idea of fairness. However, it's really up to him to decide if he needs to explore this.

From my biased poly perspective, yes, people can be committed to each other and see other people. Also, your rules would not work in a poly situation, but might be fine for an open relationship scenario.

Really though, I think the two of you should broach this subject together, rather than you figuring it all out ahead of time.

Vin, I thought I mentioned both sides. That maybe the bf is in a rush to explore MM sex. Or maybe it's that breadqween is thinking she doesn't want to commit to a house and a co-parenting mono thing with her bf if she can't trust him to really be there for her and their baby.
 
*(I wouldn’t want him to explore romantically, or with woman, is that ok?)*

Sure it's okay if he agrees to it, but will it work in the way you think it will.

Firstly, people can't help feelings. If you're spending time with someone, having sex with them and generally bonding, feelings develop. Actions can be controlled. You can love someone without proposing to them.

To reduce the chance of feelings, you can stick to random encounters. But, especially amongst men who have sex with men, the risk of STDs increases. There will be little opportunity to enquire about testing practices like there would be in the traditional dating world.

Next, what if he meets someone who was a man but transitions to a woman while he is seeing them? Will they be dumped for not being a man any more? People sometimes do that to reduce the possibility of the person leaving - they assume it could never happen with someone of the same sex. Being of a certain age, I've seen quite a few people (mostly men) leave a monogamous heterosexual marriage for a homosexual relationship because there is more acceptance and awareness. Most of those relationships started as affairs with a "just sex" clause. I don't think it's just the fact they were affairs that led to the breakdown of the marriage. I think the opportunity to explore their sexuality led to unfound discoveries about themselves
 
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