Redpepper's journey

RP if you get one from a hotel- BE CAREFUL. The states have a HUGE infestation of bed bugs. We've been lucky so far. But it's nasty!!!! Disinfect the hell out of it before you bring into your house.

This is not what I want to hear while I'm staying in a hotel!
 
Oh, you are all so funny. The things that you all run with! Thanks for the bed ideas.

And just so you know, it's Mono you want to hit up for clean up. PN is the BBQer. I am a happy drunk that is happy to mix the drinks and do the grocery shopping beforehand.
 
I have known swingers to try and make me feel special. Now I am realizing it was false and all because they wanted to fuck me. I don't know if it was lies, but I don't trust men now when they compliment me. It goes back to my thinking it's a pathetic attempt to get laid, and not that they admire me. We talked about it once before on here. I said I find men like that pathetic and got some shit from people for saying so.

It goes back to only fucking and making love to those I love and I know love me. That way there's no confusion and no damage. I got very confused before and thought all men loved me. :D Not true. But swinging can cause that illusion, it turns out.
..........
"Man, I used to be one of these pathetic types, when I was a young guy, and I just cringe when I look back on those days now. For me it came down to just plain not valuing women for much except sex, and feeling justified somehow in deceiving them about my feelings and intentions to get it. But I never felt comfortable with the aftereffects of being such a prick in this way.

Your last paragraph really resonates with me these days; I don't want anybody in my bed unless I'm damn sure we both want to be there. That at the minimum we really relate to, and know each other, well."
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3811

I have been thinking about this post a lot. It really makes me realize that I am close to the end of a journey on this stuff. I think when I was swinging I relived some stuff around my youth that I had forgotten. It came up years later, after having been a lesbian for almost ten years and then married for almost ten. Re-entering the dating scene and allowing myself to say yes to people that were not worthy of what I had to offer was a turning point.

It wasn't until I met Mono and he reminded me that who I am was special that I realized I had hurt myself in the past, in the recent past, as well. I panicked when I heard stuff about what others were doing and didn't know why. I started remembering things and reliving things that had happened and had to face them.

No one is to blame. It's a path that means more or less to others. It doesn't matter. What matters is that I will never, ever, ever allow a man to touch me again without full knowledge that I am loved and appreciated first. I will not allow myself to be in a situation where I am forced to say yes to something sexual out of guilt about saying no. I think I can safely say that I would understand situations differently now and be able to face them from a place of empowerment, whereas before I was just confused by them.

As for being triggered, I am good now, I think. I suspect that something will come up that will make me shudder and want to vomit when I hear of younger people in situations where they could be possibly damaging themselves. But, I wouldn't be me if I didn't empathize, even if it's possibly false empathy.
 
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As for being triggered? I think I am good now. I think. I suspect that something will come up that will make me shudder and want to vomit when I hear of younger people in situations where they could be possibly damaging themselves... but, I wouldn't be me if I didn't empathize. Even if its possibly false empathy.
The sad thing is that most of us damage ourselves in one way or another while we're growing up, and it doesn't make a lick of difference what those older and wiser have to say. It is hard to watch, but then again, none of us would be who we are now and know what we do about ourselves if we had been kept totally safe and sheltered and had listened when we were told that things were a bad idea and that we would regret them. One day, some of them will be in your shoes, feeling the same way about the next generation.
 
They are gone. The house is empty downstairs. It feels different already. Mono and I did the final inspection. Other than a hole punched in the wall, it's clean and free of stuff.

I cried when we had settled. It's not as nice as Mono's place. :( I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by my feelings at the moment. Maybe it will just take time to adjust.
 
It's a big change. It's a big step. But it will be a good step. It's ok to grieve the loss and still enjoy the gains, RP. Give yourself freedom to have those emotions.

We were JUST talking about you all, not 5 minutes ago :) (Maca and I).
 
They are gone. The house is empty downstairs. It feels different already. Mono and I did the final inspection. Other than a hole punched in the wall, it's clean and free of stuff.

I cried when we had settled. It's not as nice as Mono's place. :( I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by my feelings at the moment. Maybe it will just take time to adjust.

It's actually a very nice suite. I have already noticed how small my apartment is. I don't show excitement like some people, Lilo, but I am excited and looking forward to this new chapter... and picking out paint!

I have a wood-burning stove, a bigger and nicer kitchen, access to a yard, a place to wash my bike, a shared space with my Life Love, and I am closer to Polynerdist and my little buddy. My apartment doesn't compare to that package. :)

PLUS I get kisses good night!

I love you. Change is always unsettling, but we're solid and up for it Bbay. :)
 
Thanks, LR. I will try and just feel what I am feeling and let it be. I think that I am just scared that everything about Mono that keeps me contained sometimes will be lost. I rely on him for so much sanity and grounding. I am worried that it will be gone.

Mono, I know you are excited and I am glad. This is all about me. It doesn't have enough light and it needs some work. Perhaps when we have spent some time down there and when we have cleansed the place, it will feel better.

......

On another note, I had my monthly date with my NSBF tonight. We drank beer and ate nachos at a pub and had a good long talk. I was surprised at how certain he was about what we would do, and where to go. He was very keen to talk. This is unusual, as he usually wants me to decide. It turns out he has been very social lately and that this perhaps is why he had confidence about where we went.

We talked about my journey, about my views on sex for me, and how I feel like I am at the end of a journey. He talked about the people he has been getting out to see and how his social life has taken off. I was really surprised and glad to hear it, as he works hard and doesn't go out much. He seemed confident and had some interesting things to tell me and ask me what I thought about situations he is in.

At the end, he told me that he has been swinging 5 times in the last 6 months with his wife. I took it in my stride, but am now confused. On one hand, I am happy for him that he has found something he likes and so has she. But it brings up my triggers and my lack of understanding. Sport sex is not for me, and I find it hard to be respectful of people's decision to engage in it. It's really firmed up that I am really glad that our relationship is not sexual, as I just couldn't be with him in that way. I wouldn't trust that he feels anything more than horniness. I am very close to him... I think... but it is more of a continuous caring, rather than a connection I feel, now that I know this.

I think I am more feeling the hurt that he didn't tell me, than what it actually is. The lack of open and honest communication, regardless of my reaction, which I admit, up until recently, would of been one of judgment.

I think I need to just stop. Get off this train I'm on and get on another one. I'm looking forward to talking about something other than relationships and sex. I look forward to talking about just about anything... to myself.... in my own room. :)
 
Instead of jumping trains, why not just change the tracks? Life is A journey, not several different journeys (my opinion only).

When was the last time you had one of your famous get-togethers where all friends and family are welcome?

Hmm, methinks you're over-socialized right now, and now that the basement is yours again, wanting to spend some time down there, just you. So go do it. :D Take some much deserved time away from the phone and computer and just be.....

Is Mercury in retrograde again or something? Things seem to be all catawampus lately. Just wondering. Maybe it's Pluto playing his tricks. Who knows?
 
Is Mercury in retrograde again or something? Things seem to be all catawampus lately. Just wondering. Maybe it's Pluto playing his tricks. Who knows?

I love that word! Might have to borrow it! :)

RP, congrats on this great move forward for your family! You guys will make it work!!
 
I talked with my NSBF again this morning. It turns out that the swinging thing has gone on for a couple of years, mostly earlier this year. They made good friends that are now turning into sex partners, it seems. I feel better about it all today, but sad that I have affected people with my hurt angry feelings. It wasn't my intention. I intended to pass on what I know out of concern and caring, but sometimes that has come out as judgement. Sigh...

Anyway, we told each other how much we mean to one another and confirmed that our relationship is okay. He told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose what we have. He was concerned I would not want him in my life. I told him I am good. Better than good, I have that elated feeling one gets when they have been through some shit and have successfully come out the other side. I have learned and grown and feel stronger and more confident than ever.

Oh ya! Someone asked me what we ate at the British party. It was earlier this week and I didn't have time and then forgot. If you're on my FB, you will have seen how gorgeous Derby and I were. ;)

So we ate:
*eggs, sunny side up
*sausages
*fried tomatoes
*baked beans
*mushy peas and shelled peas
*chips (French fries) cooked from scratch
*HP sauce
*marmite and cheese
*scones with butter and jam
*sticky toffee pudding
*spotted dick
*bread pudding
*trifle
*bounty bars
*jelly babies
*scotch mints
*and tea, of course :D
 
This thread is one of my favorites. I read it all the time, although I seldom post here because... I often can't think of anything useful or interesting to say about your journey.

And I still can't! So I'm just posting to say, I'm glad your NS boyfriend and you seem to be back on track, and I empathize with your excitement and apprehension about the move that's in progress.

*hugs* and good luck!


Anotherbo :)
 
I'm so happy that something has gone well for you. When last we spoke you seemed very down. I miss you and can't wait to be back home.
 
This afternoon all of us spent the afternoon standing around the new to us basement suite. We talked about what we would change, what colours to paint and what tenants we have had down there in the last 10 years. I can't believe it has been that long. What an experience. All of them helped us pay our mortgage and helped us be able to live there. I am very grateful for that.

Now it is on to new things. We did a ritual that involved candles, incense, wild sage burning, ringing of bells, sprinkling salt, rubbing rosemary and tying a bit of red ribbon with a bell on it to the door handle of the space. All of which to cleanse, remove negative energy and keep bad energy and spirits from coming in. We all felt cleansed and ready to go afterward, even the boy. He was right along with us and even had a small glass of champagne to celebrate. He thought it made him feel funny and asked if he could try coffee next. :) cheeky.

Tomorrow I will start moving things in and Mono will start painting. Or at least preparing to paint. I have our women's group in the afternoon but by then I think I will be ready to call it a day. It's very overwhelming and emotional for me to finally have my space... I'm a little terrified of it.
 
My boundaries are all balanced right now, it seems.

After many years of long term relationships and marriage and then a short (in comparison) blast of casual sex and swinging, I realized that my sexual boundaries were that of a young adult while giving my body away, whereas my personal boundaries are strong in other areas of my life. I felt certain and capable of asserting my boundaries in every area of my life, until the short blast I had.

Having had a youth of promiscuity and casualness in the sexual arena, I didn't realize that I am not that person anymore,who can shove down sexual inappropriateness. In fact, I could not be again, because I realize who I am now, with the natural process of aging and becoming wise to myself and the world.

Unfortunately, I fell into the same self-damaging behaviours I had as a youth, and caused myself to re-live some of the traumas I had as a youth in doing so. I wasn't to know this would happen. I suspects it happens to many my age, actually, when they find themselves in mid life, looking back, wondering what to do next, and discovering their sexuality again after years of child rearing. I suspect that they also enjoy the NRE they have with their bodies and personal empowerment around sex. I also think that many re-live past trauma in the process and chose many routes to handle or not handle the outcome.

I feel I could say "no" or "yes" with as much confidence as I do with other areas of my life now, if I were propositioned again by a man. I think my sense of self worth has returned in my sexuality (or have I gained it?). I think that really, I am damned empowered! Much more than I ever would be thinking I was by giving my body away. I am confident, have worth to those I have sex with, and am ready to flaunt it, and be powerful in who I am as a sexual person.

For the first time, I am able to recognize what has happened to me as a positive. I have taken the path of deciding to grow from those experiences and learn about myself and the world. To feel this on top of the world has made it so worth the effort. :)
 
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I'm in total worker bee mode. I've got a tonne of stuff: work related, financial, moving related and family related, swirling around in my head. I don't get overwhelmed, but instead tend to pick one thing out and completely focus until it's done. Unfortunately, it can seem that I am withdrawn when I kick into gear. Redpepper has been noticing my preoccupation and hasn't felt connected at times. That is a worry I have. I know she wants to do a lot of things and needs to have things to look forward to on the schedule. I'm just not very good at multitasking in that way, I must admit. When I get a task I am excited by, I am driven. I am very excited at redoing the suite, to give it a fresh start, so I am constantly thinking about what is next before I move in and on getting her room ready for her. I want it to be nice and fresh for her. Things like my birthday or Thanksgiving start to get in my way. because I could be painting or something. This is nothing new for me, but it isn't something I particularly like about myself. I am counting on Redpepper to keep me present, while I work towards being even more present in her life.

I'm already thinking about that doorway between floors, so it is easier for her to move throughout the house. I can get really obsessed with home renovations, so I need to pace myself. Damn, I am really enjoying working with my hands again!

My secondary goal is to get settled, so we can start the next chapter of our lives. I'm having a problem being in their space so much as I work on the suite. I feel like I am invading Polynerdist's time with her already, and I don't want him to think that it will get worse when I move in LOL.

My main goal is to keep giving Redpepper all the love I have and make her feel spoiled rotten.

Stole this from another thread. I didn't want to lose it, as it will be a reminder of where we have been one day.

I love that you are excited, Mono. I think that it will be great to see you working with your hands again, and I am not worried that you will get lost in it. I think you need to, right now. I think it's great that you want to get involved and have something to sink your teeth into, that you can be proud of.

What would worry me is if you were to get lost in fixing things for a long time. This is why I think you lost connection with your wife and child and why that loss of connection led you down a path that was not healthy for you, in terms of having an affair. I reserve the right to pull you back from your absorption from time to time in order for us to remaining connected. I hope that is okay. You asked me to keep you present, after all'

Thanksgiving will be busy and overwhelming. I'm looking forward to having an excuse this year, in that we have things to do in the suite. I have to be careful though, as PN really has nothing to do with it and is not involved at all, other than it's partly his money. I would be down there painting and helping out just as much as Mono, but I can't be, in order to keep a balance.

PN has organized a babysitter for Saturday night so that he and I can go and do something. I have to respect that it is important that I go, even if I would rather be listening to the radio and painting in my old track pants and a t-shirt, or putting together some of the things I got for the bedroom that I am now very excited about!

I haven't decided what colours I want, but I keep going towards purple. I have never liked purple. What is wrong with me!? I always thought it reminded me of bruises. Now I want brown and earthy colours, with purple accents all over the place! I imagine a rich brown-sheeted bed, with purple blankets and throw pillows, for some reason.

Still no bed. I would like a moon chair, a big-ass one that feels like I could get lost in it. I don't know where to get one though. I will find it, no problem. That is the stuff I'm good at. Finding things. I spend all day with my clients looking around the city and having coffee. That is what we enjoy most, just us girls. We have a mission now! I never pay much for anything either. There is nothing I like more than free or cheap.

Today, Mono brought us home a free three-year old fridge! It was so satisfying to get that old one out of here. He and I are much alike in some ways. When something comes along, we act! We had that thing in place and full by the time PN came home!

He doesn't know what hits him when we get on a task. It made waiting for the go-ahead hard sometimes, I think. I wonder how that dynamic will play out in the future. PN takes his time, does things well and properly. Mono and I get it done quick and dirty, depending on what it is, of course. We can go for hours on other tasks. :D
 
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