Sailing Solo

The trip is going fantastically well so far. We walked for over 7 miles today, saw all kinds of amazing and wonderful things. Mr Dom said last time he was here his wife only wanted to go shopping and he didn't get to see any of the things that we saw today. He said he was concerned this morning when I sat on the computer and looked at maps and transit routes. He thought I was going to plan a "Be here by 10:45 and be at the next sight by 12:30," kind of thing. Haha, no. I had him sitting on a boat with cocktail in hand by 4 pm though :D

Did you know that you can bring rope in your carry-on bag on the plane? I didn't, but apparently you can because Mr Dom bought plenty and almost the entire contents of his Dom bag. :D:D We had a great session this afternoon and I am so glad I got back to the gym before we came because I needed to be that flexible! ;)

We are heading off in the car tomorrow, the man has learned his lesson about taking public transport, the rental car has sat in the very expensive parking lot and not moved an inch.

Prof came round on Thursday and we had a really lovely time. We talked and shared and are working on some baselines. We will continue to build on those in therapy. The sex was pretty good too. I am accepting that he can't fuck for extended periods of time on a regular basis, but what we did do had a good energy and intensity level.
 
Prof pressed "pause" on our relationship during therapy this week. We had actually had a very nice Saturday night with great sex. He forced a little sharing of his Eurotrip on me. He wanted me to know that it was not with another person, he was invited to join in a planned and pre-paid group trip. All he had to pay for was airfare ( airmiles ) and food. He said he missed me and got frustrated by the rental cars and the eat, drink and sleep late style of the trip. Not like our very active and explorative trip.
He went a a bit quiet between then and Weds. It was strange because as I was driving to therapy I was thinking about how nothing had changed, how much longer could I deal with his distraction and how I feel picked-up and put-down and how worried I am about all the things that he is not getting done but yet keeps picking up more major projects.
I knew straight away that something big was up, and he shared and let so much out. Without giving too many details, he feels his life has spiraled out of control. He reiterated a number of things to the therapist that I had shared a couple of weeks previously. During my last session with her I had said that besides me learning to let things go and not take them personally, that I am worried about him. Prof pointed out the same things, He has finally admitted that he has taken on too much and he is overwhelmed.
As far as our relationship goes, I am his "anchor" but he can't do relationships right now and he needs to take care of himself and his life as best he knows how. He is going to continue with the therapist and asked if I will go with him sometimes too. The one thing he said that nearly broke my heart was " I don't feel very well." I had said that to him when I had my melt down in February, it was that which drove me to find a therapist. I told him I understand what that meant ( or at least how it had felt to me ) and I was would still be here for him in whatever way he needed me. We spent the rest of therapy holding hands and he came back to my house after for dinner, stories with the kids, and sat on the sofa, watched tv and held hands.
I was a little sad during therapy but mostly i am relieved that he is admitting to needing help and will continue to see the therapist. The sessions are now weekly and I hope that is part of the helps he needs to work on some issues.
Lots of little details come out as I think on the session, but I let one go; he said I was very intuitive when I knew things were really starting to slide for him from the end of last year. It was not intuition, I read his behavior.
We have cleared the calendar apart from possibly one kids party event. Mr Dom will attend the upcoming concert with me next week. I hope and strongly suspect Prof will come round for some tv and hand-holding every once in a while.
I am actually not calendaring at all...
Mr Dom is all things wonderful, available, loving, kinky, Dom, in touch with feelings...I am struggling with it.
The trip went well, he said he traveling with me was a whole new bunch of experiences for him, taking in both the physical and educational.
I struggled with him not wanting to do anything before hotel kick-out time, which was either 11 or 12. He likes to keep going until late at night, I prefer to get up and get going before it gets too hot. In short, I missed Prof and how we travel. But the experiences were life-time memory making and all in all it was excellent.
So what is the problem? Probably that I am not used to being the pursued. I usually do most of the chasing. Most of my relationships have involved males who are frequently absent in both the emotional and physical sense. Mr Dom is neither. I straight up told him that I needed space this week and he went on a number of OLD meets instead.
I realise I need to work on this with a therapist but as of right now I have no insurance and Prof took over "our" therapist for individual. Which brings me to work, from whence comes the god of insurance.
I am rocking my new job. I have a department of 4 as opposed to 80+. There has not really been a department so I am putting all kinds of procedures into place. I have two awesome Millennial interns who are great with tech. I tell them what we need and they make it for me. I am problem solving left right and center, great feeling of success and achievement.
My youngest kid is melting down every day. I am paying the college kid over the street to drop them at daycare at 7:30 am as I am already at work. I pick them up at 5pm. Work tells me that the expected work week is 7am-5:30pm on "early days" , that I should anticipate being there till 6 or 7pm on a regular basis. I can do this job until school starts and then not a chance in hell.
My insurance is also going to be the cheapest option available, I am gambling that none of us will use it as the deductible and co-pays are outrageous so I can keep the policy payments to the lowest possible.
My youngest is a asking to go to bed at 7pm cause they are so tired. I applied for another job for which I know how the system, insurance and hours will work. I have inside intel that I am #1 in line for the job even though there are many applicants. If I don't get it then I am not sure what to do. I will have to approach the current management team at the new job and give it to them them straight. I can get the job the done in a 8-9 hour work day on site plus some time at home. If I can't manage a team of 4 and one site in that time then I am not the employee they are looking for. Queue Obi Wan hand wave.

There are 2 things that I feel confident about, my work and my parenting and my parenting mostly comes first. I am not putting my youngest through the wringer of an absent parent. I felt abad enough about the hours I put in with previous job. I will make new job work until I find something else, but the issue remains that I need something to fulfill class requirements. Stressed? Me? Nooooooo.

So... need to sort out a job with decent insurance, find another therapist and work out why Mr Dom as attractive and wonderful as he is, cannot over power my urge for a hurtful, separated and emotionally stunted relationship style that I repeatedly gravitate towards.

The Secret Life of Pets is hilarious. This comes from a non-fan of cartoon movies. Borrow a kid and go see it.
 
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I have "an" or should I say "the" interview scheduled for Tuesday next week. Much as I think I am doing very well in he new job and could continue to do well, I am not prepared to lose so much parenting time. Of course, if I don't get Job B then I will have to try and work something out with the schedule.

I will be seeing Prof and Sunday and then he asked me to go and see a movie next week. I would have been surprised if he hadn't asked, we have been looking forward to it for quite a while.

Mr Dom is on a second date tonight. He is currently having the most success with "Bumble" but is lining up Munches and kink events too. He is such a wonderful man. Hits the perfect score on all my requirements; Communication, Activities and Sex. But he is not a challenge. I do pick difficult, unavailable and challenging people to have relationships with. I know it is a pattern that I need to break.

I am technically monogamous. :eek:

Jay popped up again at the weekend. Wanted to meet for a drink and a chat. I countered with tea and a chat. long story short he did the "decline at the last moment" flake. I count it as a flake. He asked to come round, said he would after something he had to do and yet refused to set an actual time beyond "afternoon" and "when I finish" right up to the text which said he was "feeling tired" I didn't reply to that. I knew he wouldn't actually make it but it was entertaining seeing him repeat the exact same thing.

I am getting no sex. nothing since last Saturday. On the plus side I am Level 6 and caught myself a Pikachu today.
 
Pokemon GO level 11, despite the server issues. I thought I was going to get mugged on Friday wandering into parts of town where I shouldn't really go. Turns out my potential mugger with beer in brown paper bag and all kinds of weird face tattoos knew me from my work years ago, we could use the word "client". He offered me a "chug" of his beer. Very sweet. We had a chat. He was so fried on whatever he was taking that he tried to cop a feel. Much better than a stabbing and having my phone stolen though so I feel grateful for that.

I am not speaking to Mr Dom. We had a great weekend but he pulled apart my 1 hour meeting with Prof this afternoon to the point that I said I don't want to talk anymore.

Prof made it to the kids party and we did kid stuff and chatted. Ms White Pickett has moved in.

Interesting repeat in behavior. I complain that he puts me aside when she shows up. He put me so far aside this time that I am off the chess board. I don't see it as a coincidence in timing. Yes, there is all sorts of other stress on him but it is a smooth way to not jeopardize his relationship with me while making sure I won't wonder why I can't go round his house any more. I think that bringing her out her was, to use the technical term, nuts. I couldn't understand it when he told me February but now I see it as part of the steady fall into the borderline nervous breakdown. Making bad decisions because it seems to be the expedient thing to do in the moment. I am up in the air as to whether I was partially or mostly cleverly manipulated or, if ... there isn't an or.
He moved me far off to the side for some reason. He is not afraid to beak up with people so I don't think it is that.

Bit of a random train of thought paragraph but I am not going to correct it because i am in that kind of a mood :D


Wondering about it is a pleasant distraction from thinking about work. I think I have been maneuvered into exactly the spot that he wants. He gets to call the all the meetings, therapist told me to step back but be there if he asks. He does not need to put any effort in that he doesn't want to. I am sympathetic and will let him call the time and dates because we are now "friends" and I won't put him under any kind of pressure to act like a boyfriend. I eagerly await Friday night movie and now hot tub has been added. Let's see if he tries to add sex.
Of course he won't. I am being too cynical. Its just a friend thing. He is too stressed and overwhelmed to want to blurr the lines with sex.
 
The interview went well. I was quick, hopefully not too quick and now am waiting to hear if I made it to round two. After the interview I went to my current boss and said the hours aren't working for my kids and was told I can do whatever hours work for me. That was a huge relief. I feel like the worst parent at the moment.

Mr Dom is out of town for the next 4 days, which is another relief. I get a week break in total. I do not have he energy for the ongoing, in-depth relationship analysis. I told him again last night that I can't take any more "opinions" about what I am doing with Prof. The argument goes that his opinions are only opinions and what I do with them is my choice. My response is the opinions come with what feels like pushing to act in one direction. Historically, that doesn't work well with me. At least I am speaking up for myself over the issue.

Prof is a challenge, I like that, keeps the mind busy. We are doing ok right now. Low level, regular, communication and I see him on occasion. I like the change in schedule though also missing the regularity of Wednesday night.

Seeing Jay on Thursday. Social only.

Not much Pokemon going on. Kids are off to their dad for a week, I will miss them. I am off to the gym tonight.
 
I decided against the gym as it was such a lovely evening and rode my bike around catching Pokemon. I have got it bad. Level 13. Mr Dom and I plan to do some serious evolving and gym battling over the weekend.

The kids went off to their dad's. Oldest one was in tears but I promised to call regularly. Oldest one wants a phone so they can call me :eek: Maybe a prepaid one. they have one more week of vacation coming up and it might save us all a lot of stress if they can call when they want. I am teaching them phone skills. The youngest one likes to text using voice to text. So tech savy, yet unable to pick a wet towel off the floor.

No news on the interview. I am hoping they are struggling to put together another panel due to vacations and not because I haven't made it through to the next round.
 
Interview part II next week. :D:D
 
Social evening with Jay. He is moving out of the family house this week and I went to so see the new place which is really quite nice and approx 200 ft (70 meters) from Mr Dom. Taken him a year since I met him to go from "getting a divorce" to "moving out." Separation is often not a quick thing. We just talked, popped out for a snack, and hung out at my house after, as he was staying this side of town. I can't see me re-igniting something there, but never say never.

It was a late night...10:30pm :D and Mr Dom wanted to chat on the phone for a bit after to say goodnight and find out if I had had sex. He was being a little off, wanted to talk about "loaning me out" as a Dom. I have said before that if that particular fantasy fits in with what I am doing and want to do at the time then I will enjoy playing that kind of fantasy out, but I am not seeing anyone right now with whom I would. He said he would try and find someone else who would do that with him. I must admit I am laying in bed falling asleep and thinking to myself, "You go do it."

TGI Friday.
 
Movie night with Prof went amazingly well.
I went to pick him up and could see that he had put a lot of effort into preparation for the evening. We did the movie, which was great fun and then went back to his.
I made it clear that I wasn't going to do FWB or FB with him and what was his game plan? He said he has spent the past 2 weeks working out what were his priorities and decided I was one of them. That was quite the moment. He filled in a lot about how much he missed me and realized that he wanted to put me above his work and wanted to resume therapy together. Wow. He asked me to go to therapy next week but we decided to give him 2 more weeks by himself.
The repeated expression of the night and the next morning was "I miss you," this is coming from Prof. He talked about his parents ( he rarely does that ) his kids, caught me up on the various work and the stress there. And said he has never admitted to being out of control and have things fall apart like they are. He talks the therapist about me, says I am unique and so important in his life. It was quite strange to experience this. Floodgates opened. There was nothing else he could have done to make the evening better. The next day he had to do some work. I went back to sleep and have no idea how long he was gone for. But when he came back we fucked more, went out for breakfast and went for a walk around a store :eek: We hung out till nearly 1pm. It was surreal.
He did say he doesn't want to restart a "relationship" quite yet. He needs at least a few more weeks to get things under control. I told him we agreed mid-September to even discuss it and that timeline is fine with me. He is coming round tonight to watch tv. We are not scheduling anything but if I get some time off between jobs he would like to do a mid-week camp if possible. I am calendaringphobic right now. I can't face it. All I want is a timeline to end my current job and get a start date for the new.
Mr Dom is somewhat irritated that I won't calendar. I told him he can add to the calendar if he wants but I can't do it.
It is kind of working out ok. I did triple book one night but people seemed ok with it, except Mr Dom.
Mr Dom says he feels secondary to Prof.
I went to see him last night. He was at work so we couldn't go far. I arrived and we were fucking in under 45 seconds, a new record. we fucked for about 2 hours, ate, watched a bit of a movie and had more sex. Had more sex the next morning. Lots of kinky fucking. We drive around the very local area and played Pokemon GO. At breakfast he kept going on about my relationship with Prof. I have repeatedly asked that we keep updates to the minimum. He said he feels secondary and that I prioritize Prof all the time. I am at a bit of a loss as to how to reassure him and its getting to be a drag. I see Mr Dom far more than I see Prof. It's not even close. I keep hoping one of the new women will get up and running and he will get to experience the challenges of being a hinge.
 
Hi NYC,
I have ended a couple of conversations recently when he wouldn't stop. He hasn't done the hinge thing yet, it looks easier than it is. Plus, I don't think I am doing a terrible job of it and I am giving him plenty of space and time to do his dating thing without whining.
 
I think hinging is definitely hard, so it's good to both be patient with him, but also hold firm to your boundaries.

I'm curious, you say that he keeps feeling like Prof is being prioritized over him, but has he said WHY he feels that way? If that's how he feels, it's how he feels, but clearly you don't think you are prioritizing him, so maybe there's some miscommunication going on? It's probably difficult to balance how much to tell and not tell, but does he think that you're seeing Prof more often than you actually are? Or is the issue that he thinks you're scheduling time with Prof but don't want to schedule with him?

It's definitely not fair for him to grill you about what you do with Prof or anyone else, but if he's getting some idea that isn't true, then maybe at least addressing whatever it is that makes him think those things might calm him down a bit?
 
Quick note. I got the job and have to tell current job that I am quitting. I have never quit a job before. resigned with weeks notice but never quit. I was awake half the night stressing over telling them but I cannot face putting the kids back into the long daycare hours.
 
Congrats on the new job!! Are they not able to make your start date a few weeks from now though to at least give you time to give notice at your current work? That really sucks.
 
I have 2 meetings scheduled for Monday already, so no. I am grateful that I had 2 weeks off and did the road trip with Mr Dom and swimming lessons with the kids.
Current job offered me the sun, moon and stars to stay; pay rise, benefits for the kids, 3 weeks vacation till they go back to school, whatever hours I want to work, part-time, consulting.
 
I have 2 meetings scheduled for Monday already, so no. I am grateful that I had 2 weeks off and did the road trip with Mr Dom and swimming lessons with the kids.
Current job offered me the sun, moon and stars to stay; pay rise, benefits for the kids, 3 weeks vacation till they go back to school, whatever hours I want to work, part-time, consulting.

So why didn't you stay? Sounds like a sweet deal. New job must be even better?
 
There is a long list of why I don't want to stay even with the offer of whatever I want. One reason is I just can't pile off the workload onto other people, I would feel so guilty and end up doing the hours anyway. Another is that I don't agree with the "vision." I have spoken up against it already and know if I keep going with pointing out the legal and ethical flaws then I will get myself fired. I have done my best to leave my tiny department in a better state than it was. I have given the big cheeses some ideas of what to needs worked on and I made a phone call as a follow up to a number of emails that goes a long to way to allowing me to leave with a clear conscience.

New job is at the old job place. There is a team whose "vision" is based in reality and one that I hope to feel proud in supporting to the best of my ability. It will not be a walk in the park, but there will be direction and a clear purpose. I started working towards gaining the qualifications and experience to do this this particular job 4 years ago. I feel quite proud of achieving that goal and am looking forward to starting.

One example of how Mr Dom is driving me nuts with the "equality" thing. I will see him 4 night this week. Prof 1. He is whining that he will only get to see me one night next week ( he is working and voluntarily picked up extra work ) said that " He left Wednesday open" to show his commitment to equality and let Prof have some time. :mad::mad::mad: They are all my Wednesdays. If Mr Dom is working then he is not leaving Wednesday "open to share." I am going to have to take over calendaring as per therapist's instructions; tell them both what days I have free then they either accept them or not. I need to see a lot less of Mr Dom if things are going continue.
 
Out of pocket medical insurance. arrrgh. Out of pocket prescription costs. double argh. Ending "new" job today. What a relief. I left just after lunch. They wanted me to stay till after 4. haha. no.

Mr Dom and I agreed to not calendar every activity with other partners after I said I was not prepared to tell him what I was doing on every night we were not together. It used to annoy Prof too that I didn't want to tell him either. I had a good think about why and came up with the same reasons as always; at a certain point I don't want any input on what I am doing.
 
I did one "new job" for a month. I ended that on Friday and start a new "new one" on Monday. The new 'new" one is at the place I worked at for 4-5 years and left 2 years ago. So the new one is actually at an old place. I am looking forward to not have a steep learning curve as I know how the system grinds and how the personalities work. The one I ended on Friday wanted an insane amount of time that was not discussed during the 4 interviews that I did for them. Mostly I did not agree with "vision." I did some whistle blowing on the way out of the door. Don't hire a hammer if you don't want the nails found and hit.

On going weirdness with Mr Dom. He says he sees why Prof gets frustrated with me. He says I am far too sensitive to the idea of being controlled and see control and retaliation where none is intended. I will go back into therapy when my new insurance gets going. I think he has a number of points but also think I am getting some of the same passive-aggressive digs that I get from Prof. Mr Dom wants equality of time in my calendar. If Prof isn't booking my time then MR Dom thinks he should get it. Um. No. It is all my time. If I want to leave slots open for Prof then I can. If I want to leave slots open to lay in my garden and go to bed at 7 then I can.

I have a better understanding of my once obsessive calendaring. If we are all clear on when we are seeing each other then there is no need to discuss what is going on on the other days. I am really pushing back against sharing what I am doing on the days I don't see Mr Dom. He says we did share it all at one time and now I am changing the rules. I said it feels too controlling and if he doesn't want to tell me what he doing then that is fine. The "goodnight texts" feel controlling. Nice to do it when it works but I thought there was an agreement about sometimes it wouldn't work and we wouldn't get grumpy if it didn't happen. I did fall into the whirling NRE of sharing everything but now I need more space. Plus work was killing me.There is only so much of me to go around.

I am nutso in love with Prof. Friday night was great. We do great if we don't talk about other relationships. He invited me to go back to therapy next week with him but I said waiting until the 10th was fine. I am not in a rush. He asked for space. He also offered to take to take youngest for a whole day when I am at work and offered to host youngest up coming birthday at his house. Quite unexpected. He keeps saying that he is working on the priorities in his life and i am one of them. This is the reassurance that I have wanted for a long time but People don't give until they want to give.
 
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