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  #11  
Old 08-31-2011, 12:21 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Gosh, thanks for all the advice! I really appreciate it, and it's actually been nice to just talk about this to someone. It has to be this big secret to my friends, etc.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Especially if you're finding your mind drift to all these questions whenever you have a free moment for idle thought.
You got me! I have been thinking about this stuff waaay too much lately! And I'm a freelancer, so... free time is my curse.

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I try to operate by being myself as much as possible. It is not easy, but if you are being tortured by what's happening and you say "Hey Sven, am I cut off?" well either you get to find out and can relax, or he'll hedge or be dishonest but you'll figure out that sooner or later. It doesn't sound from the tone of your posts that you are unhappy with these thoughts, just curious about all the damn possibilities.
Yup! This is how I roll too, and I was thinking of writing a similar sentence-long question to him soon. "Yo--can I still write you filthy texts, or is that off the table?" Or something. Just want to know if we're keeping up the status quo while he's gone, and we can worry about changing things when he gets back. Actually, I think Sven has been bad for me in some respects. Crazy blunt questions sometimes spook him and I've learned to go gentle. But it's not my nature.

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But that's true that it's scary to say, maybe scary to hear, and I suppose if you would like it to last as long as possible and you think it's going to have to end sooner or later, maybe it's safer not to say it.
Yeah, I guess that's it. If my discussion forces him to choose whether he wants to keep this going or not, he might choose not. Which is why I've never asked. He's the kind of person that doesn't like to think about things or plan them in advance and always likes to "see how it goes" which drives me nuts.

When we were first getting together, it was impossible to actually set a time or date to get together with him. He liked it all to be a happy accident, like his penis just happened to fall into my vagina! Oops!

Both of us would arrange elaborate parties to which we'd invite all of our friends, and I'd have to play "last woman standing" and be the last one to leave, which would always take arranging on my part because I have a husband! Then one thing would have to lead to another, and he'd be all ready to go, then go on and on about how unexpected this was. Sure, buddy. My husband "went home early because he was tired" and had no idea what was happening here. We didn't plan this. NOT.

Exhausting. He's gotten a bit better at letting things be explicit, but honestly, if this is part of his nature, I don't see this lasting long term anyway. I am going to have a child soon. I'm not going to "accidentally" arrange a babysitter in hopes that I may or may not get laid. Ridiculous.

Okay, I had no idea I had this much to write about this. Um, sorry.
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  #12  
Old 08-31-2011, 02:40 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wow, yeah, my ex Ziggy wanted everything to be "spontaneous" which sounds romantic but was initially frustrating and eventually just obnoxious. It was like a mental block, like he couldn't get into it if it was premeditated at all. He would actually sext me about all the things he was gonna do to me next time he saw me, and then would act weird when I expected that something was going to happen. Wtf? And it wasn't like he didn't like sex, he loved sex! So odd.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #13  
Old 08-31-2011, 03:14 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
It was like a mental block, like he couldn't get into it if it was premeditated at all. He would actually sext me about all the things he was gonna do to me next time he saw me, and then would act weird when I expected that something was going to happen. Wtf? And it wasn't like he didn't like sex, he loved sex! So odd.
OMG it's like Sven and Ziggy are THE SAME PERSON. I would complain to my husband that Sven was "all talk and no action" because he'd get in these moods and write what he wanted to do to me on gchat. Next time I'd see him, he'd be surprised that I thought he'd... do that stuff. Or he'd get really drunk at a party and tell me how much he wanted me. But again, it was like he hadn't said it the next day.

It wasn't like he wasn't interested, though. If we did have sex, he was delighted. It just had to "happen in the moment", like he couldn't have sex on purpose. If I called our booty call a booty call, it would spook him, especially in the early months. I had to "come over to watch a movie".

He is, admittedly, sometimes more stress than I can handle.

I am married to the right man of the two. It was never this much work with Thaddeus, not even when we were first dating. It was always easy. I don't want to sound judgemental, but there's a reason why my husband is a married man at 31 and Sven is a bachelor at 37. Yet poor Sven is so crestfallen that he has women all over him all the time, but nobody wants to marry him and have kids. He breaks my heart a little, like he's a lonely little kid who doesn't know why people won't be friends with him.
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  #14  
Old 08-31-2011, 03:51 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Ayup. Ziggy is WAY hot, I mean the dude takes care of himself, he is fit, he is competent and smart and personable, way popular with the ladies and yet despite his claim to having a romantic streak (which was hiding where exactly?) he's a lifelong bachelor at 40.

Not like marriage is some ultimate goal or anything, but yeah... some people just aren't cut out to be even the tiniest bit domestic. And some people, also, can't seem to fathom the fact that their stated intentions in no way match up with their actions.

As it happens, my decision to say yes when Gia and Eric invited me into their bed was in part a conscious choice to move away from Ziggy (we were still trying to at least be FWB's at that point and it just was frustrating the hell out of me). Turned out to be the right choice.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #15  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:22 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Annabel, I am finding your posts about Ziggy to be slightly freaky and also illuminating.

I think, having been reminded of the "bad" aspects of being with Sven, I can calm the hell down for a few days and be grateful he's my piece on the side.

I talked to my husband tonight at dinner, though. I told him what was up with Sven, and that I didn't know what the future would hold there, or if he wanted to continue seeing me, but that if he did, I was interested in continuing to see him and I wanted to make sure that was okay. I said I realized that many open relationships don't allow ongoing things like what Sven has become, and that it may not have been what Thaddeus signed up for when he agreed to open the relationship. Was he okay if I kept something ongoing with Sven, I asked? And Thaddeus said yes, that was okay, as long as I loved him the most. And I said of course I did, because that is true.

I definitely have a primary/secondary thing going on here, even though Thaddeus didn't use those words. He wants to be #1. And I am very okay with that. I have read some poly resources and I know lots of people don't like using those terms or restricting their relationships like that, but I think this is a good starting place for us. I would like to keep my husband as the #1 too, especially with the baby on the way--we're going to be a family and that has to come first. I would also feel pretty devastated if I didn't feel like I was Thaddeus' #1, so it kind of goes both ways.

I wonder if I downplayed my feelings for Sven a little too much in the discussion. I think I may have. I was reluctant to make Thaddeus feel insecure. I guess I'll need to talk to him again. But maybe not for a few weeks.

I don't have much to offer Sven. I can't be his wife and have his kids. That is a huge downside, because I think I'm a good wife (though I don't know if I'll be a good mother) and anyone should want to have that part of me. He won't have it and I can't give it. I can offer Sven a casual dating relationship--we can spend time together and have fun and have sex and great discussions and enjoy each other. If he wants that, I can do that.
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  #16  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:29 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"I don't have much to offer Sven."

You can't be the primary partner he wants to find, but that doesn't mean that a loving, sexual friendship isn't an amazing, enriching thing. That's a LOT to offer! *You*, if you're offering an authentic piece of yourself and a portion of your limited time and energy, are a lot to offer.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #17  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:00 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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This all sounds pretty familiar. My bf, Butch, never initiates discussions about "Us." There is a lot of unspoken stuff. I tell myself it's ok and I try to work harder at accepting it. But reading this I realize that I am kinda going nuts over all the guessing and speculating and wondering.... We have never really defined our relationship. It's all "carpe deim" and "don't think too much" and "words are overrated."

My husband, Sundance, on the other hand, is very into words. We talk non-stop! Which was great, until he got a girlfriend and is chatting her up with all kinds of sweet words and delicious little stories. He says girls need to hear that stuff.

Oh yeah? I'm not hearing anything from my bf! I guess I'm just easy???

(Is that a good thing, or a bad thing???)
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  #18  
Old 08-31-2011, 04:27 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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If you're easy, I'm easy too. We're just a couple of easy broads.
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  #19  
Old 09-01-2011, 04:41 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Sorry, late to the game here, but is this your first child? If so, enjoy all this now as its about to get CRAZY

I didn't date again for 3 years after my son. I am so glad I took the time and gave him every ounce of my attention..... best thing I EVER did actually. Sure, I missed out on me moments and hot times with new people, but I sure know what my freedom is worth now and know what it is like to have a well adjusted son because I took the time. "Attachment parenting" was awesome for us!
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  #20  
Old 09-01-2011, 02:43 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Yes, first child! I'm pretty excited!

And yes, I realize that the birth of this kid might be an ending date for any further action for awhile with the outside partner. That's okay. Maybe it'll end forever, or maybe it won't: maybe Sven and I will be in and out of each other's lives for while. He's one of very few close friends I have in this new small town we're in, so I hope he won't drop me as a friend at least just because I have a baby.

I know Annabel is continuing her relationship with girlfriend Gia while Gia has a young baby. But their dynamic has changed a lot and they've had to put some things on the back burner (right, Annabel?). It's just part of what we do for those wonderful little ones!
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