Freedom? Or fear of intimacy?
I've been doing some major soul searching and would like to begin by sharing some of what I've come up with. I usually do this sort of thing in my journal, but three of my friends, (all of which I have been involved with at some point) read the journal and I need complete freedom to say what comes up without startling them.
I've searched and searched myself in every way I know how as to why I've had the kind of tumultuous relationships I've had the past several years.
I've gone the self-help route. My father was absent and verbally abusive. So, I did tons of work, (EFT, breathwork, letter-writing, counseling, affirmations, forgiving) to heal this. I figured I attracted abusive, unstable partnerships because that was what I knew.
I'm thoroughly convinced that this part of my life has grown tremendously and is not the reason I am still attracting men who are "unavailable".
I am beginning to wonder if it's because I simply do not want to be in a conventional relationship. It is so much easier to pull away from someone who has their prickles up, rather than pull away and hurt someone I really love.
In other words, what I really want is a lot of independence. I just love thinking about the person I'm in love with being off on their own, doing their thing, playing, whatever... and then knowing when I see him/her it will be genuine, sweet and s/he will tell me all about it!
Complete honesty, but no ownership.
I'm searching to see if this is an intimacy issue within me. Afraid to commit fully, afraid to be "tied".
Or, a unique shade of grey where my relationship preferences fall.
I am tending towards the latter. I don't shy at all from very honest, vulnerable, scary conversations or blubbering cry sessions or elated, joyful expressions either. In fact, they invigorate me.
I do, however, get very sick of being touched, sick of talking, sick of seeing any one face for too long and need my space after a while. I've been this with way with every single person in my life, no exceptions, regardless of our type of relationship, (romantic, friendship, family member...).
I also have some particular and specific daily routines that are largely attributable to a chronic illness I've had for 7 years.
It is so hard to find someone who can both fulfill my need for connection; long, intense conversations about the mysteries of the Universe and how much love there is in my heart... But also feel safe, loved and secure when I take off and flutter around a bit.
I need to be with someone who isn't easily hurt or jealous when I take off. And who can articulate when they are hurt or jealous so that we can maneuver around it. And who can go off and flutter around themselves.
I remember one time at a bar, with my high school sweetheart, over a decade ago. We were both flirting with other people all night, having fun on our own, dancing. I was supposed to sleep over at his place that night and by the end of the night, when we met back up, I was soooo in love with him. The feelings that came with my sense of freedom, while also knowing I was loved and had a familiar bed to come home to were amazing!
So, I'm beginning to wonder if really, it's not that I'm attracted to unavailable men. But, that I have not "come out" as polyamorous and have therefore not created the types of relationships that would support this type of lifestyle.
Phew, it feels good to get that out. Thank you.