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  #21  
Old 08-30-2011, 09:48 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by River View Post

Anyone wanting to rekindle a spark in a long term relationship should -- methinks -- count their blessings about their wonderful partner. Do it often. Do it well. And fantasize the hell out of the factual reality concerning how precious and lovely they really are.
I think it adds something to the "spark" of my long-term relationship; it's not something I do to "force" myself to have sex with my partner. It allows me to enjoy two people at once without the complications of having a threesome. Also, I don't think about another person the whole time, or every time. And doing these things has no bearing whatsoever on recognizing the "preciousness and loveliness" of the relationship I have with my long-term partner. The fact that I/we/you are able to have sex with more than one person and not have it mean we love any of them less should already speak to that reality, and there is no call to "fantasize the hell" out of it.
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  #22  
Old 08-30-2011, 09:52 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I'm not really one to initiate, I haven't been since I was a teenager. But NRE brought out that side of me....re-awakened that younger, sexier mental self that had gotten buried with being a student, wife, and mother....mostly a mother since I'd put all my wild sexual fantasies and just wild LIVING nature in a box as soon as I gave birth. Runic Wolf got very jealous in the beginning when I started initiating with Wendigo and not him, but it took effort for me to turn it around at home, when Wendigo wasn't involved. I've taken back my right to be wild and sexy and to explore who I am now sexually, but I honestly just suck at initiating and give up waay too easily when Runic Wolf says he isn't in the mood (I try really hard not to pressure him into sex just because I'm horny for him). I've learned that putting in the effort is worth it, even if I don't get the sexy time, it lets him know that he's wanted and valued. So I commend the OP for sticking with it even though the BF is shiney and new.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 08-30-2011 at 09:58 PM.
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  #23  
Old 08-30-2011, 10:13 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I find that the busier life gets, the less interest in sex and affection I get.

There's a couple sayings that come to mind:

"Act as if"
"Fake it until you make it"

I have found myself that when I "make" myself "act" loving and caring and affectionate and sexual, my mind and my body follow along.

I dare you to try this:

When you're in a bad mood - cranky, moody or whatever - jump up and yell "TA DA!!!"

If you can do that and STAY in a bad mood, there's something seriously wrong with you.

Chances are - if you do that - put all your effort in it - your body and mind will follow.

Smile when you're moody.

Touch your partner gently when you want to punch someone.

Touch your partner in loving, sexual ways with the express purpose of enhancing THEIR pleasure - and watch your body and mind follow into that mindset.

Fake it until you make it can change how you feel.
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  #24  
Old 08-30-2011, 10:30 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post

When you're in a bad mood - cranky, moody or whatever - jump up and yell "TA DA!!!"

If you can do that and STAY in a bad mood, there's something seriously wrong with you.
LOL something's seriously wrong with me. What would that be, then?

I get a buzz off of being cranky and contemptuous, so don't parade on my rain.
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  #25  
Old 08-30-2011, 10:42 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
MZ ,

The problem is/was the words don't /didn't line up with the actions. The verbal affirmation ....and then the shift in the physical ...that's all. If someone has to force themselves to have sex with you ....it may dampen or kill the mood for you....just a guess.
I object a great deal to that word "force". Nobody is talking about forcing themselves to have sex with their partners! That sounds pretty harsh.

I have to force myself to do chores I hate, like cleaning the toilet or something. I don't have to force myself to have sex!

We're just talking about the natural differences in libido that occur as your relationship ages. As I said, having sex with my husband is a frequent and wonderful experience for me! It's just that sometimes I'm slower to warm up than I was, say, 8 years ago when we first met. I think this happens naturally in any relationship whether you're seeing other people or not.. am I right?
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  #26  
Old 08-30-2011, 11:04 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
am I right?

DH is looking for circumstantial evidence to support whatever conclusions he has already reached.
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  #27  
Old 08-31-2011, 08:42 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Neon ....Charming as usual .... always a kind word. Did you get that buzz after that last post or is that code for something else ..wink wink nudge nudge.

I'm sorry my experience and perspective annoys you. Ill try to get a new experience and a better perspective in the future.


Mz ....your objection is noted ....however, it was used in a question to illustrate my prospective. I don't know your arrangement or how you came to this lifestyle but I can tell you that coming from a 15yr mono marriage that these "natural " / "normal" shifts in attention or affection feel bad....very bad. So to illustrate the same point I'll remove the objectionable word .... If someone was "resistant" .... meaning more than than the usual excuses.... or "indifferent".... or general loss of interest .... to have sex with you ....it may dampen or kill the mood for you. Its hard to convey because it encompasses all verbal and non verbal communication as well as patterns of behavior some dating 17-18yrs in addition to small incidents and events. After a while it seemed that dates ...time ...and most certainly sex was being performed out of obligation so as to continue with her new found lifestyle.

Here's an example of something that actually happen ...the day before our wedding anniversary I call her and said I'd like to take you to dinner tomorrow are you free and where would like to go .....she says ...sound great you pick it I don't care..... Next evening I get home tell her we need to leave in 45 min that we have reservations ...I shower get dressed ready to go ...get her into the car and start to head to the restaurant ....one of my favorites ...however its 45min to an hr away .....I get on the highway and she says where are we going ....I say wait and see .... but because the direction were headed she cant figure out where were going ....she says I really need to know .. .there a little back and forth about it being a surprise and I finally tell her... anticipating a really good reaction. ...immediately she starts doing the time math out loud ....that's an hr away and then an hour an half for dinner then an hr home. Can't we just go to the Thai place over by my office I'm really in the mood for Thai and I'm just not in the mood for long car ride ...blah blah. It was a Thursday night so yes we had to get up the next morning. We left the house 6:30-6:45 had a 7:45 Reservation puts you back at the house way before 11:00 no matter what.

I was mad on a couple of ground 1) I called and ask where she wanted to go 2) this is a place I really like and because of its distance we don't get there often and on weekends its always packed 3) on Monday night she got home somewhere between 12:30 and 2am time wasn't a big factor then.

Initially I think fuck it were going with the plan ....then I decide I really don't want to force anyone to go with me to an expensive restaurant....long silent car ride... long silent dinner service.... long silent car ride home ....so we had Thai ...she was very happy for who knows why ...very chatty ...me not so much. Home by 8:30. and under forty bucks

A couple of thoughts went through my head ..
1) If bf had called up and said I'd like to take you to this place she would have accepted and not thought twice about the ride ....more time to grope each other in the car.
2) how could she with a straight face talk about it getting too late.
3) maybe she was there Monday night
4) what is going on in her head ....pulling something like this on an anniversary

So we got home I changed and took the dog for a run ...long run ...we ( dog and I) ended up at a neighbors watching sports and having a few beers I get home at 11:30 she was asleep ...end of story. Happy anniversary ...

So you take this type incident, small facial gestures, less phone call during the day , etc, etc ... more of her "working Late" and one is left with an impression. I wasn't seeing it as Natural and normal. And then I think it starts to feed off itself in a circular fashion.

There have been plenty of people here that have said similar things about feeling things were being done out of obligation ...not a new story at all. And now is just down to a matter of degrees and duration.

I don't fantasize about others while having sex ...I'm way too focused on the partner at hand... at least it hasn't happened yet. In the throw of passion I have had that question thrown at me ....what are you thinking ....I always answer truthfully ...a long the lines of how good or great something felt ... do people say ...well I was thinking about Sam or Jill or Steve ? seems sort of rude but what do I know...just Ask Neon ...giving you much longer post then planned to rip on ....you'll get nice buzz from this baby.
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  #28  
Old 08-31-2011, 02:03 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I'm equally contemptuous about everything, so don't think you're special.

Listen, i'm sorry your wife treated you like shit and caused your life to implode and your children grief. But it's not necessary to project that on to everyone else. having seen the way you choose to express yourself, i am hard pressed to believe this was all your wife's fault and you had no part in creating the circumstancs leading up to this whole mess. Not everyone else has the same fucked up history you do. Not all of us are faking it like she was. You are coming across as though you're on here looking for evidence in other people's relationships to confirm suspicions that you have about what happened in your relationship. It's great if that's part of your therapeutic process, but it is quite obvious in the posts of yours that i have read.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-31-2011 at 02:16 PM.
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  #29  
Old 08-31-2011, 02:36 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Dingedheart, I'm sorry that you were unhappy in your marriage and felt neglected by your wife. But I think you are projecting your experiences into my point, and they don't belong there. The kind of interactions you describe are NOT what I consider "natural/normal shifts in attention or affection." They are absolutely not what I am talking about when I talk about the way libido changes over time in a healthy long-term partnership.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
If someone was "resistant" .... meaning more than than the usual excuses.... or "indifferent".... or general loss of interest .... to have sex with you ....it may dampen or kill the mood for you.
Of course it would!! But what about when I said "having sex with my husband is a frequent and wonderful experience for me" makes it sound like I am resistant or indifferent? Frequent means we have sex a lot, and wonderful means I enjoy it a lot!

I don't know what you mean by "more than the usual excuses". I can only imagine that the "usual excuses" differ from marriage to marriage. In my marriage, neither of us has ever refused or deferred sex when it's been offered to the other, not once that I can think of in 8 years. So I don't have any "usual excuses".

If your wife seemed resistant or indifferent to you, I'm sorry. That must have hurt. Just to assure you again, it's definitely not what I'm talking about when I talk about how libido changes in a long-term healthy partnership.

Sorry you were upset by a squabble about restaurants on your anniversary one year. That sucks.

I had my anniversary only last week. We had sex before we left for the restaurant. Takes the pressure off for after.

Quote:
So you take this type incident, small facial gestures, less phone call during the day , etc, etc ... more of her "working Late" and one is left with an impression. I wasn't seeing it as Natural and normal.
I wouldn't either, and I hope you can see that now--that we're not talking about the same thing here. I understand your plight and I definitely agree that the "little things" can add up to make you feel neglected.

The OP wants to make sure she doesn't make her partner feel neglected even though her biology is causing her to react more strongly to the new partner--which I maintain is totally normal, or at least an experience I share. But I think that you can enjoy your NRE while also making sure your other partner doesn't feel like you've lost interest.
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  #30  
Old 08-31-2011, 03:10 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Ok sorry ....I'm done
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