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  #31  
Old 10-25-2009, 02:05 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl View Post
Im gonna step Off the "think about the third" box for a bit. V asked for advice on HER feelings.

I was actually talking more about thinking of the relationship and that was the primary focus of what I was saying. Unfortunately, part of that *does* involve thinking about the third.


I'll be starting a new thread on this tonight.
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  #32  
Old 10-25-2009, 02:33 AM
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Will do Mono.


I can't speak from the position of one of the primaries BUT, I can from someone from a place of confusion and hurt. What I will say here is V, you need to do a bit of soul searching. Sit quietly, relfect, meditate if you do that, try to get to the core of why everything seems suddenly so different and your feelings seem to have changed. Did something happen. Even something small that might have triggered something, an insecurity or made you feel threatened.

Sometimes it can be hard trying to think of someone elses feelings when its so difficult just trying to sort through your own. It's understandable. The one thing I will say about Anne is if you no longer love her, you defenately need to be honest with her and let her know. But if she is so in love with you as HMA says she is, seriously consider how you're really feeling about her. Dig deep within yourself and consider why it is you're feeling different about seeing or thinking about HMA and her together. HAVE you fallen out of love with her? Or has some jealousy creeped in from somewhere? These are all things to consider and it seems you have a lot of thinking to do. *HUGS*

As SG mentioned, and I agree, if the primary relationship isn't strong and solid, the triad wont be either. Basically, the primary relationship is the foundation. There's no getting around it. Like it or not. I would suggest trying to figure out first of if you have stopped loving her. After that, working on the relationship between you and HMA is defenately a priority. If your triad is to continue (as it doesn't sound like you would want it to turn into a V) unfortunately, Anne will have to sit tight and wait for you two to solidify the primary relationship again. As difficult as it is to sit and wait for something beyond your control, it's necessary if the relationship is to move forward. I'm in that position now as the 'change' SG discribed is going on in ours.

As for the internship, that's a tough one. Again, your feelings for Anne need to be figured out. She's going to have to make the decision to go herself, and if she goes then I think you need to be honest with her about how you feel. On the other hand, you don't want that to be the reason she stays. She may resent staying later on.

I know some of this has been said before, just putting down my thoughts on it. Stepping out of my position as a third can be difficult, because I DO sympathize with Anne, but that does not mean that I can not see where you're coming from. You need to try to find the reason things have changed so drasticly and wether or not you are still in love with Anne, and move from there.

Best of luck to you my friend.
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  #33  
Old 10-25-2009, 02:49 AM
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And I never Said that It didnt have anything to do with not thinking about the third. But this post was about Vi speaking up about how she was feeling. She did state that she wasnt sure that she was in love with Anne and that she was struggling to consider Anne's feelings. But it seemed to me that The main issue here was that Vi was struggling to understand her place and Her relationship with HMA now that Anne was in the picture. And resenting the lack of one on one communication/time/investment within the relationship with HMA and herself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by "violet'
As it sits right now, I'm in turmoil. I don't want to lose what we have going between all three of us, but I'm becoming possessive and weird. I went from really liking watching HMA and Anne together, to getting upset. I haven't mentioned that to either of them, so when HMA reads this it may come as a surprise. Maybe more of this will. I dunno. I went from enjoying the time all three of us spend together, to being resentful of the fact that it feels like that "all three" time is taking away from the time I have with HMA. I don't feel like I'm in love with Anne anymore. I hate that all my alone time with HMA is either spent talking about our triad or talking about how I'm not the same way I was a few weeks ago. Nothing is normal anymore.

HMA and I are supposed to be getting married next September. I went from not being able to keep my grubby little paws off of EVERY wedding magazine and website I could find - to being in near tears when I try to get into planning again. I had gotten better with it - but now, I'm right back to depression. I went from enjoying the odd looks and questions from people, to wishing that HMA and I could just be a normal couple again. I went from understanding that "love multiplies, it doesn't divide", to being COMPLETELY unable to understand how him loving both of us doesn't make it so he's taking love from me to give to her. I went from knowing that I was his whole world, and that she fit into that world seamlessly and knowing that it didn't mean I was threatened or being neglected - to being HORRIBLY upset that I no longer feel as though I'm EVERYTHING to him.
I have been through this. From being the "one and only" to sharing almost every part of your life and relationship. You lose that sense of importance..Of the special uniqueness that is that relationship. You feel hurt and lost. A Honestly it fucking sucks. I do believe that once those feelings are resolved and Her needs are being met by HMA that all the rest will be ok. AND I can almost guarantee that if those needs are being met that her feelings for Anne would be unchanged. Anger, jealousy and resentment have a way of clouding things . They are amazingly strong emotions and Can cause more bigger issues. Take it from someone who has been there too. Im not finished getting back to that place. But I plan to be.
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  #34  
Old 10-25-2009, 03:44 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Violet will have to posst the details and specifics, but she's doing things and I want everyone to know that progress has been made.

The core issues that she identified (thus far) relate one to Anne, and one between us.

Between us - there have been some issues in teh one place we never thought there would be - the bedroom. Our sex life has been otherworldly from the beginning. I'm one of those "noting is taboo" types who doesn't care what the neighbors see on the laundry line, but respecting that not everyone is, I'll spare details and just say that very recently - and having little to nothing to do with Anne - Vi and I have been "out of synch" in the sack. And it's weirding us both out, becuase the bedroom has always been the area where all was well. Our relationship is NOT based on sex; we have both reveled for months in the fact that it's not but that sex has become such an incredible part of what we have. So when these issues arose, it sent us both for a serious loop. Anne is... Less experienced? ...than Vi and I, lol. And boy have we opened her eyes in a hurry - and WOW is she eating it up. Zero to BDSM and threesoms and multiple orgasms and real lovemaking and experientation in like, 2 weeks. AT HER BEHEST - she started asking questions and wanting to see things, and she just took to it all like a duck to water. So while Vi and I were hitting the first sexual speedbump we've ever had, she saw Anne opening up and discovering her sexuality - mostly with me, as both Anne and Violet are in a weird stasis with each other physicaly, lol. So - that was issue number one, and we're working on it, and seeing some progress very quickly now that the problems are in the open.

Regarding Anne - she laid some of it out in her first post, and has refined and processed it a bit from there. Basically, she had some doubts about Anne's committment to this relationship; concerns that she was using us as a rebound or just for comfort or whatever. Violet has been taking this thing VERY seriously VERY quickly, and so have I - call it NRE or infatuation or what you will, but this thing went from freind to sexual encounter to head over heels for all of us VERY quickly. So we've all had our "wait - is this for real?" moments. Violet just had a big one, lol. She and Anne talked today and again this evening, and everything's a bit clearer now, and we'll all have quite the sit down when she gets back on Monday no doubt. But after todays reality check, everyone is very emotional about just how committed they are, and nobody's doubting anyone elses desire to make it work long term anymore, at least not now, and hopefully never again.

And to present a little bit of Annes POV, she let Violet and I know that she was feeling there was something wrong before she left and has been very worried for several days now. She is saddened that so many of our breakthrough discussions and talks happen without her as they aren't exactly planned and she doesn't live with us. She's also very bummed that she's not here to meet the Dragons with us tonight, lol - she may join for a minute by speakerphone if she's still up at 1 a.m. Central.
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  #35  
Old 10-25-2009, 04:53 AM
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Meet the Dragons.

Sounds like a good movie.

Who's in it?
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  #36  
Old 10-25-2009, 05:20 AM
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LOL - Dragonborn, Dragonfly and Night Dragon are here in Vegas. Violet and I are meeting them for a late dinner tonight. Anne is up in the land of cold and white fluffy stuff and won't be back until Monday.
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  #37  
Old 10-25-2009, 03:20 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Not to make it sound like your life is not important (obviously I've been interested enough to read it - I don't know if that should be taken as a compliment or what!) - but when all is said and done (meaning, at the end of each installment), it just looks like life to me. You's aren't going through anything that any other relationship doesn't go through (except for mine, because that's because my husband is extremely easygoing and anything that goes right is mostly his fault ). Just because there are three of you, that's what makes it seem exceptional to most people on the outside. It seems like you three are better at this triad or V-in-progress than most people are at a "normal" couple-style arrangement. I would say keep doing as you have been doing and things will all work out for the best, even if that ends up meaning all three of you go your separate ways eventually.
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  #38  
Old 10-26-2009, 03:53 AM
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Allow me to thank everyone who PM'ed me, and those of you who responded to this thread. Especially you, Ceoli. Those LONG IM conversations gave me a different perspective on the matter, and I think were a large part in helping me bring my deeper issues to light.

After a lot of thinking, and a lot of "working backwards" - stating my problem and asking "why" until it was irrelevant to ask anymore - I've managed to get things straightened out. The issues turned out to be smaller than I thought, but they were still complex enough that they cause a lot of grief. I'm hoping that by posting, maybe it will give people some insight. Other women or men who may find themselves in my position of finding themselves not as comfortable having an "equal third" in what was originally a VERY primary relationship as they thought; and maybe to those "unicorns" out there who have either been burned, or can see behavior in a member of their couple that matches some of mine. Maybe this will help give you a direction to go in. The place I found myself in, as Anne put it to me, can be every ounce as devastating as a unicorn finding herself getting spurned. Anyway.

1. My first point would be this. To those of you who are in a relationship and are considering bringing a third in; you have GOT to be SO. FUCKING. SURE. that you are stable and steady. Like, so sure. And KEEP CHECKING ON IT. Check on things BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU that you are POSITIVE there are no problems with - just to make sure. Double, triple check - and KEEP DOING IT. HMA and I thought that the last thing in our relationship that would EVER have problems, based on past experience in our relationship, was our sex life. I realize, more than anyone, that people aren't perfect – and there's no way that two members of a couple, who bring in a third, are going to be PERFECTLY STABLE ALWAYS for their “unicorn”, and for one another. Not happening. I'll touch on that later. BACK ON TOPIC:

I am a god damn wildcat in bed. Thanks to recent events with work, some "feminine problems" going on with me, blah blah blah - our sex life was really suffering. We both realized it, sure. But neither of us attributed the problems that were cropping up in our relationship to the sex life between HMA and I. Sex isn't that important to us. We can have a relationship that doesn't have a FANTASTIC sex life! We're stronger and better people than that! Yeah. Insert justification here. Flat out - sex suffers for us, my self esteem suffers in return, which makes my communication suffer, which makes HMA and Anne uneasy, which makes me stressed out, so sex sufferes from stress, which makes my self esteem suffer ... insert vicious cycle here.

While my sex life with him was suffering, Anne was coming out of her shell. She's only been with 2 other men, and HMA really opened her eyes to a whole new world. So I get to sit back and watch MY relationship and my sexuality suffer - and see Anne and HMA's blossom and become something wonderful. Something that had been so important to me (my sexuality is practically my life - I'm a stripper for God's sake!), suddenly go so wrong is devastating in and of itself. However, through jaded eyes, I saw another woman develop an amazing sexual and emotional connection with - again, through jaded and pissed and hurt eyes - with MY. FUCKING. FIANCE. Talk about possessiveness and jealousy and insecurity and blah blah blah all cropping up at once! I'm stuck in a horrible cycle I don't even really realize is happening, trying to keep up with a relationship that is - in my eyes - spinning out of control. And because we're in a triad, what affects me, affects Anne and HMA. So MY insecurity and possessiveness, in turn made Anne and HMA very nervous. I made Anne nervous enough that she started pulling back emotionally, physically and sexually. Which brings us to ...

2. A perceived "lack of commitment" on Anne's part. This stemmed from two places - first being Anne pulling back because my attitude was making her nervous. Second being little comments here and there. She is considering going to Paris for an internship for 6 months - knowing full well that HMA and I were up-front about not doing long-distance relationships. Little comments about wanting to fuck her male friends (which HMA insists is just her mentally stretching her wings with her new-found sexuality and that she has no intention of ACTING on her thoughts ... I'm still not convinced.), but expecting HMA and I to remain fidelitous to her. Uhh, no. I talked to her about it a little already, and we've agreed to have a sit-down when she gets back from her trip back East.

As I saw it, and am still struggling with - when there's a perceived lack of commitment, or perhaps an actual lack - why the FUCK am I doing so much work to make this whole thing viable? Why in GOD'S name am I going to treat someone as an equal who isn't as committed to my fiance as I am? If you are going to seek equality, you need to step up and show you deserve that equality. Thankfully, both Anne and HMA are being amazing, like I've said a hundred times, and are sticking with me to help work through it.


I'm also just doing a little bit of remaining wiggling around to find my comfort zone. I have always identified as poly – before I even knew what that was. It's always made sense to me. Unfortunately, my last experience was negative (I was with a woman who I either “allowed” to sleep with other men, or she was gonna cheat on me. I was young and stupid.), and the past 2 men I've been with were absolutely not trustworthy enough for me to be okay with anything approaching poly. Again, young and stupid. I know now to only get in relationships with people I can trust, and I KNOW I can trust HMA. It's just the “social conditioning”, and the behaviors developed over the past several years that have really hindered me in our triad. I have to keep reminding myself that EVERYONE is still finding their comfort zone – we've only all been together for about, oh … 6 weeks. If we all stay commited to getting past this, which is entirely possible, then we'll be a success story. I'm commited, and Anne and HMA are too. I'm starting to believe them. It will all come with time, communication, and patience.

I'm also - and I can say this with an amazing level of confidence - I'm finding it easier again to consider Anne. I'm finding that love again. I turned out to be right about myself. The feelings didn't go away, they just got buried under a whole ton of shit.

I'm sure that wasn't terribly eloquent – I'm tired and a bit buzzed, lol. But hopefully it gives everyone a little more insight into where I'm coming from, and where I am. I'm doing much better, and HMA and I are looking forward to Anne being home. We're at the root issues, which means we're going in the right direction. Wish us luck – and thank you again to everyone who was helpful and offered some insight!

YGirl is right - it's just normal relationship bullshit. Thank god HMA and I are good at dealing with it. Sure, it feels huge with the addition of another person, but the same techniques of internal reflecting and soul-searching combined with honesty and communication are fixing it, just like it would if it was still just HMA and I. We're getting better and better at this - it speaks some great things about the future.

</soapbox rambling>
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  #39  
Old 10-26-2009, 04:26 AM
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Thanks for sharing this process violet. Sometimes the hardest person to communicate with is yourself. These are the kinds of posts that make it a joy to come to this forum.
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  #40  
Old 10-26-2009, 05:15 AM
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Sunshinegrl Sunshinegrl is offline
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Im glad to read this Vi. Im glad that you have found the root of the issue and that your working towards that place you wanna be. I have been looking forward to reading your update. Thank you so much for laying it all out there for us.
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Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
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Now I see it everyday
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I am, I am
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