What a long, strange trip...
So, here's the scoop on me and my poly experiences. I'll try to be as concise as I can...I'm old.
I'm 48 and I've been openly poly for about 15 years now. But that doesn't mean I didn't try it before then. I've nearly always identified as bisexual, except for the years in the early 80's when I allowed myself to be convinced that bi meant you were sitting on the fence and you needed to pick one side or the other. Since my primary partner was a woman at that time, I identified as lesbian for a while.
My first wife, A, and I got together in college. I was 24 and she was 23. (No, it wasn't legal then, but we considered ourselves to be married.) We discussed poly and even tried it, sort of. She had a relationship with a male friend that started before she told me about it. Since I had wanted to date a man, I figured this was my opportunity. But no, she couldn't handle it. We were together 8 years and poly didn't figure into our breakup.
My second wife, K, and I got together when I was 32 and she was 38. Still wasn't legal...but you get the idea. She and I both identified as bi and had the idea that we wanted to be poly from the outset. We were with a former boyfriend of hers as a triad, secondary to our respective primary relationships. This was an LDR. We saw each other once a quarter and communicated via email and phone several times a week. This went well for a couple of years until she decided she wasn't as interested in the triad anymore. I continued seeing S as a couple. It was a pretty good relationship which had run its course by the time it ended after 12 years. I also had a few short-lived relationships that didn't work out, but were fun while they lasted. (No drama.) K decided she couldn't handle poly and that she needed to "find herself" and she left me after 7 years.
My first (and so far, only) husband, N, and I have been married for 8 years now (legally this time). N says we need to count half years because we got started late...he was 55 and I was 39...so we've been together 17 half years. S and I were still together until two years ago, so N came into our relationship knowing that I had other relationships. N and I divide our year between Tacoma and Tucson. I currently have two girlfriends who live in Tucson and male lover in Texas.
G and J are my girlfriends and I've been together with each of them for about three years. So half the year we're local and half the year we're long distance. These are both secondary relationships.
S2 is my male lover...we've been together, sort of, for seven. He and I are connected in ways we don't understand and have tried to end it more than once. In my Universe-view, I think we have a past life connection and we are working out something karmic. We've stopped fighting our connection. We see each other once or twice a year and talk on the phone a few times a month.
This summer, I started a relationship with D and fell deeply in love with him. The feelings are mutual. D had been in a previous polyamorous relationship with a previous wife, but this was the first with his current wife. His wife thought she could handle him being with someone else, but then changed her mind. So he has, at least temporarily, ended our relationship. He thinks that she will work her way through her insecurities, change her mind and we can be together again. I don't know what to believe, other than that he and I are deeply connected. I am hurting and moving into the anger stage of grieving. I don't know if we'll be together again this lifetime, but I'm preparing not to be, but leaving the possibility open.
I know this probably sounds very naive. I choose to believe this is the best course of action for now. Yes, he caved in to her when she didn't follow through with her responsibilities as his primary partner. But our connection is deep enough that I think it will persist. I'll risk having him in my life again, if I'm given that opportunity.
Sorry this is so long. Like I said, I'm old.
"But you've got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
Life is not tried, it is merely survived
When you're standing outside the fire"
Garth Brooks and Jenny Yates
|bisexual, karma, lesbian, primary, secondary|