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  #31  
Old 08-21-2011, 03:26 AM
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true, no hair pulling was conducted
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  #32  
Old 08-26-2011, 09:54 PM
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It’s been a rough few days…

My birthday was weird for me. Entertaining both our families while they were outside smoking and talking. The pitying looks from our children (ages 15-25) was a bit difficult to deal with, I didn’t know what to do except try and pretend that everything is ok, that I am happy with this and happy with their developing relationship…

which I am … sorta… sometimes…

Watching Pixie & Khas getting closer is hard enough, but it seems like every time we try to have any kind of intimacy Khas brings up Pixie in one way or another. The thing is… I know their relationship is growing and I know that means I have to adjust, but can't I fuck my partner without having to be reminded of the mental image of what he wants to do with/to her???

We have talked about it and I'm sure he will stop, he said I am being confusing, since apparently I sometimes bring it up myself so he doesn't know what I want. Which actually makes me laugh because somehow not being alone in the land of confusion is a blessing.

Well I don’t have to adjust, but I am choosing too.

So trying to stay engaged is becoming a challenge… this hurts and I want to hide. I want to stop caring about either of them; I want them to just find their feet in their relationship and then go away and leave me alone.

I don’t even know what to do right now, even in my journal I sound like a whiny, jealous, possessive immature asshole….
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  #33  
Old 08-26-2011, 10:15 PM
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Anyone who is willing to own the fact that they are acting immaturely and try to change is not, in fact, immature. You come off as struggling and confused and hurting, but very honest and even brave, in the sense that bravery is not a lack of fear but the willingness to keep going despite fear. You are strong.
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  #34  
Old 08-28-2011, 11:10 PM
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Just a short word of encouragement: I don't know if this works for your partner as well, but I never think of my other partner when I am intimate with one of them. My mind is fixed on the present one, because otherwise I wouldn't be "in the mood" to be intimate in that situation. Has he told you that he is thinking about the other or are you assuming this? Maybe you are wrong and worrying in vain.

And yes, it sometimes is hard to stop at the right moment and not talk too much. I am glad that I do not slip often but it happens. I am sorry that you are hurting this much. Whine as much as you need to, it relieves stress. All the best for you.
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  #35  
Old 08-30-2011, 02:38 AM
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We had an ok weekend, feels weird to go to bed at night and listen to them outside laughing and talking like I did on Saturday night. Guess I feel left out, but I know they don't have a lot of time together because of the current living arrangements so... if they are going to have a chance to build their relationship then I need to back off and give them space.

I do love them both very much, just want everyone involved to feel happy and fulfilled in life.

They are out right now too, I was invited by Pixie to join when we were out shopping on Sunday but I saw Khas' eyes and said no thanks, not really up for it anyway so not a big deal, and its a school night for our daughter so someone needs to make sure that the routine goes on, and on time!

I figured out what I was meaning when I thought "Damn, I'm going to miss him" a while back.. it isn't him that I am missing but it is us... at least the us that has existed for 13 years. Laying my head on his sweaty chest, running my hands across his newly flat stomach (he's lost 70lbs this last year!) ... I was realizing *that* is what I will miss.. the uniqueness in knowing that no else will touch him that way.. that no one but me will share those intimate moments... poly doesn't allow for a sense of uniqueness in the same physical ways as a mono relationship does. Now I am slowly realizing how much of my safety and identity of us has been based on the physical intimacy.

that uniqueness is gone now..

well the idea of it is gone....

Khas and Pix haven't been physically intimate yet beyond still quite chaste kissing, but it is in the air around them and we all know that it is just a matter of time.

I don't really like them a whole lot right now though. Not constantly disliking them, just in moments, I feel overwhelmed with anger, bitterness, despair and disappointment with a healthy wallop of hopeless/helplessness thrown on top.

and a cherry!

LOL

Tonight while they have been out I have been fielding the questions from our daughter... she wants to know why dad doesn't love me best any more... I tried to reassure her that that is not the case, but I know that lying to a kid never works and I don't *feel* that way so it is essentially a lie.

On a better note on the kid front, my 20 year old son told me this morning that he is sad to see me hurting so much but that it seems to him that my relationship with Khas is stronger, that we seem more open and honest with each other. Our 17 year old son told me later in the morning that he thinks Khas is insane, he has enough problems dealing with ONE female, why on earth would anyone want TWO? LOL, smart boy

The girl is down for the night so I guess now I will go try to sleep and keep my brain off the imagery of what Khas and Pixie are up to now.

It is better with Khas though, I was able to articulate to him that I was feeling like he was so busy trying to balance I was left feeling as if I was not special or unique in his life. I know he heard me and is making an effort to balance in a way that doesn't mean doing identical things for/with Pix and I.

Been a hell of a 8 days on the physical front, my damn body just doesn't seem to get it that we have to get our act together and get ready for these new challenges and opportunities life is throwing at us!
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Last edited by justlost; 08-30-2011 at 02:49 AM. Reason: clarity
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  #36  
Old 08-30-2011, 06:15 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Default what to tell the daughter?

When she asks why doesn't Khas love you best any more, there are two truths you can tell her.
'I honestly don't know, and what I do know is that loving longest matters more to me than loving best. Khas's love for me is going to continue, and that matters more to me than anything else'
The bit about his love continuing is what she most wants to hear: I think she will get what you're saying. and she will know it is the complete truth too, cos remember she knows you too.
Love,
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  #37  
Old 08-31-2011, 03:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justlost View Post
Tonight while they have been out I have been fielding the questions from our daughter... she wants to know why dad doesn't love me best any more... I tried to reassure her that that is not the case, but I know that lying to a kid never works and I don't *feel* that way so it is essentially a lie.
I suppose that one approach may be to try telling her that, ultimately, love isn't a competition. That you and Pixie aren't like seats in a movie theater - love, in any of it's forms, isn't something quantifiable in best/worst terms. Having a best implies a worst, and that isn't something that makes any sense to me.
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  #38  
Old 08-31-2011, 02:10 PM
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Maybe you could explain your opinion to her, at least it can't make things worse for her. Hell she already has an ulcer so.any talking with her might help.
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  #39  
Old 09-01-2011, 12:13 AM
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feeling better again today... this up and down back and forth on my emotions is such a drain.

Khas just left for Pixie's and the girl and I are doing leftovers for dinner. Easy

I have noticed since all of this started and I started journaling that I don't do the things around the house I used too. I rarely cook dinner anymore and I refuse to do laundry (alone, will do it together though). I have always done our laundry, most often alone, and I iron Khas' work shirts etc. etc.

But now, if we are changing our marriage to include other loves so that Khas feels more complete and satisfied and stuff then I figure that I should use this time to make changes to make MY life better too. Sounds stupid to have laundry be a basis for change.

Working my way through the muck of who I am and what I want, one day at a time....

this pathetically hurt my feelings....
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post

You probably think watching porn is "cheating" too.
why the attack?
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  #40  
Old 09-01-2011, 12:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justlost View Post
. . . I refuse to do laundry (alone, will do it together though). I have always done our laundry, most often alone, and I iron Khas' work shirts etc. etc.
Next time Khas goes to Pixie's, give him a pile of his shirts to bring with him. Then they can do his laundry together. She wants him, let her share the work.

And make sure you and he have hot date nights together, too. Don't be a Cinderella, staying home doing chores.
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Last edited by nycindie; 09-01-2011 at 12:38 AM.
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