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  #21  
Old 08-28-2011, 01:49 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
This is all kind of moot right now, I think.
You have the inside track. explain for the rest of us pls.
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  #22  
Old 08-29-2011, 06:52 PM
Rayek Rayek is offline
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She's since discovered that she's a full-blown lesbian. We broke up yesterday. I feels unfair and wrong, but I don't blame her for trying to be herself. Thanks for the help, all. I don't think Poly is right for me, I naver dipped into it myself, just was okay with her being who she was.
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  #23  
Old 08-29-2011, 10:49 PM
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JuliaGay JuliaGay is offline
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I'm sorry things ended badly for you, Rayek. My best advice, learned after a number of break ups, is to feel what you are feeling and not try to control those feelings. Someone here compared grief to a roller coaster. (Sorry I can't remember who.) You don't have much control over where it will take you and trying to control it only prolongs the pain. I know you have to hold it together at place like work, but try to find a safe place where you can mourn - alone or with someone who cares about you.

I understand why you don't want to give polyamory another try. But I'd encourage you to look at it again when you have finished grieving. It might be for you and it might not. If you do try it again and you are in a primary relationship, you might consider setting a boundary that you must be allowed to meet your partner's new sweetie. My primary partner and I have found this to be a helpful thing for us. He is my touchstone and can often see things about others that I don't, especially if I'm in an NRE or lust-filled fog. He's never vetoed anyone, but he has brought certain things to my attention that were helpful.

I wish you well.
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  #24  
Old 08-30-2011, 02:48 AM
Rayek Rayek is offline
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Originally Posted by JuliaGay View Post
I'm sorry things ended badly for you, Rayek. My best advice, learned after a number of break ups, is to feel what you are feeling and not try to control those feelings. Someone here compared grief to a roller coaster. (Sorry I can't remember who.) You don't have much control over where it will take you and trying to control it only prolongs the pain. I know you have to hold it together at place like work, but try to find a safe place where you can mourn - alone or with someone who cares about you.

I understand why you don't want to give polyamory another try. But I'd encourage you to look at it again when you have finished grieving. It might be for you and it might not. If you do try it again and you are in a primary relationship, you might consider setting a boundary that you must be allowed to meet your partner's new sweetie. My primary partner and I have found this to be a helpful thing for us. He is my touchstone and can often see things about others that I don't, especially if I'm in an NRE or lust-filled fog. He's never vetoed anyone, but he has brought certain things to my attention that were helpful.

I wish you well.
Thanks for your support. Thanks all. I'm just not sure right now. I want poly to work, because I think it's ethical, not to be a person that 'owns' the body and mind of someone else. I don't think that's right. But looking at my own behaviour during the 'open' bit of the relationship I find that I'm, personally, mono-minded. I never looked elsewhere at any point during our relationship, never had any other desires. At least not in any relationship I've been in yet. I'm not possessive by any means, or that's one important think I like to keep in check, so poly on the other end (especially when my partner has needs I am completely unable to fulfill) makes a lot of sense. I just probably will never take advantage.

Also, when we were trying to work things out, we made lists for each other, and I established 'meeting the other partner' as a need from her from then on. But Mary wasn't the problem towards the end. It was facing reality.
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