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  #21  
Old 08-29-2011, 06:20 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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please reread my first three posts and tell me again where the hostility toward your community is. I did NOT mention her seeing a DR soon she did ....I "stupidly" suggested that the Dr treating her be made aware of these possible stressor's ....and if she can't trust her gut then perhaps trust the Dr's judgement....you're right that seems so unreasonable and hostile now. As I said there are BDSM experts here to draw upon ....and they have weighed in behind the scenes ....which is great for you and her... I hope they have helped.
I sincerely hope you both find happiness and it was not my intention to add to her struggle. If I did I'm sorry. Good luck to you both D

I think everyone would like to know what the experts have advised....and how it differs from what I suggested.

Last edited by dingedheart; 08-29-2011 at 06:33 PM.
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  #22  
Old 08-29-2011, 06:24 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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I guess it's just that conventional doctors can sometimes be pretty un-accepting of their kind of lifestyle, and telling the doctor might cause more problems and angst than it prevents. I guess it really depends on the doctor.
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  #23  
Old 08-29-2011, 06:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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See I got a different vibe while reading the posts. I don't think it was so much the D/s dynamic that concerned people, but it's more the DEPRESSION combined with the D/s dynamic. Just because someone chooses a certain lifestyle, doesn't mean it is an exactly healthy choice, especially if those choices are being heavily influenced by a very real mental/medical issue like depression.

The advice I saw was:
* Deal with the Depression IMMEDIATELY
* Know yourself (without the depression)
* Re-evaluate your situation after figuring out the first two
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  #24  
Old 08-29-2011, 06:38 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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It is nice to hear from you mr. male half.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Anneintherain,

You are a little hard to pin down.... Good idea/match or insane ....big difference. The problem with your idea is she can't trust her self ....the razor blade talks to her. You said yourself that you struggled with depression as the result of relationship trouble....she's already got depression and is struggling with the relationship.....I get being diplomatic and positive but what about reality. What advice would you give a close friend or sister with the same facts?
So dingedheart - While I see somebody that is depressed at the moment about how complicated things are, her post were all very well reasoned, she has obviously thought this through quite a bit, has had poly experiences before that were a mix of good and bad. She seems to have a great grasp on the pros and cons for her and her current situation, and very importantly, although she is focused on what her bf wants, they obviously are negotiating very reasonably (making sure it isn't a OPP, making sure that both parties have equal opportunities for other relationships without letting the D/s dynamic get in the way), even though things aren't perfect, the fact that they might have different longterm goals for what they want is out in the open, so they have a comfort level to be honest with each other, and it seems like they aren't just saying what they think the other person wants to hear in order to get what they want, which is vital for success.

I would tell my sister if she was in this situation, that from what I've heard, it sounds like a loving supportive relationship, and that I was there for them if they needed any advice or support from me. I would say if they decided they did not want to date others, to not fake it, and if it became too much with their SO dating others, to admit it to them ASAP and to figure out where to go from there. (another edit: any my sister, at least the last time we spoke on it, was on antidepressants, and has been suicidal in years past, and that would not change my advice in this situation as far as I can tell, unless it seemed she was feeling like that again because of the situation)

edit: OP is probably wishing they hadn't admitted they were depressed. There were a couple of times I felt that depressed a couple of years ago, but it did not mean I required some sort of intervention. She doesn't seem to be constantly battling with it, and I don't feel it's coloring everything she has said here. They aren't jumping into dating other people yesterday, they have a goal of October. I didn't get any impression that if she was getting more and more miserable she would hide it from her boyfriend and do something drastic, but that she can talk to him about it, and he is being as supportive as he can. Maybe I am way off base but I didn't think stopping all activity towards poly was going to make everything magically better, so I didn't feel that was advice I would give.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 08-29-2011 at 08:40 PM.
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  #25  
Old 08-29-2011, 06:39 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZed View Post
I guess it's just that conventional doctors can sometimes be pretty un-accepting of their kind of lifestyle, and telling the doctor might cause more problems and angst than it prevents. I guess it really depends on the doctor.
Find a different Doctor!
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  #26  
Old 08-29-2011, 07:43 PM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
please reread my first three posts and tell me again where the hostility toward your community is. I did NOT mention her seeing a DR soon she did ....I "stupidly" suggested that the Dr treating her be made aware of these possible stressor's ....and if she can't trust her gut then perhaps trust the Dr's judgement....you're right that seems so unreasonable and hostile now. As I said there are BDSM experts here to draw upon ....and they have weighed in behind the scenes ....which is great for you and her... I hope they have helped.
I sincerely hope you both find happiness and it was not my intention to add to her struggle. If I did I'm sorry. Good luck to you both D

I think everyone would like to know what the experts have advised....and how it differs from what I suggested.
(Still Mr. Male half)

Note that I make no judgement calls about what you are actually trying to say, only the way with which you said it, and it was interpreted. With that, let's dive in!

Your first post was not really hostile, merely clueless. I've already covered the
"how to be friends with someone who is a submissive", so we'll move on. The rest of the post isn't overtly hostile either, though somewhat disingenuous, as the insinuation is that she cannot trust what I am telling her, and to ask if she trust me or not. That is the interpretation I get from asking someone if what they are hearing lines up with what they think is true.

Your next post is mostly defeatist, merely stating that it seems impossible to you.

The next post is where it gets hairy. You see, you didn't really clarify anything. So you think she should discuss it with her doctor? Which one? The general practitioner she is talking about? They would likely not have any advice, other than to be sure to do it as physically safely as possible at best. At worst they would be horrified.

So i'm going to make the leap here, and say that you mean that she needs to discuss it with her psychologist/psychiatrist (of which at the moment, she doesn't have). The problem here is people's perceptions of what you discuss with your mental health doctor. Most people see someone telling them to "talk to their doctor about this" as them saying "Something is wrong with you, you need to get help". Again, without you clarifying, that is likely to be the dominant interpretation.

I should also state here that she is actually in full agreement with her "gut". She knows that her suicidal ideations are illogical, and pays no mind to them. This is in fact one of the reasons she was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance instead of a enviromental based disorder. Even when she is at a high point, she is happy with life, and all of it's little creatures, she will still occasionally have those ideations. They aren't based on what is happening in her life.

The next post is where the tone really turns. You open up by stating that people in this forum will tell the "unvarnished truth". The further supposition from that is that she is currently not handling this truth, and she should "suck it up" so to speak. You go on to state that NOT telling her doctor this could lead to him wondering why she is not "better".

Now, let's put aside for a moment that I agree with you, that whatever doctor she chooses should be aware of all parts of her lifestyle, and look a bit deeper. Your insinuation is that if they DON'T know, that the doctor won't understand why she isn't "better". To follow that line of logic, it states that you feel that she is sick, and needs help, and without the doctor knowing she is sick, that she will never improve. That shows your own personal feelings on the subject.

Your next post introduces what is really a loaded question : "Do you think a young 23yr old suffering from clinical depression who is struggling to find happiness is a good match for this?" To me at least, the sentence speaks to me that you expect to answer to be "No." This isn't something that has a dominant interpretation though, so it's just my own personal feelings here.

Your next post really lays it out on the line: You've decided she can't trust herself. The question is, why? The assumption here is her depression, but I think based on some of your previous statements that it's not her depression, but her desire to be in the BDSM community is what is making her sick. The fact is, she isn't struggling with our relationship, or our power dynamic. She's quite happy with that. She's struggling with what NEW relationships may form, and that is an entirely different fear altogether. You then follow up with a statement about facing reality. Fact is, she is quite grounded in reality. She knows that if she can't resolve her fears now, that they WILL cause problems in the future.

I will make the assumption that I don't have to dissect how your last post was hostile, so we'll just leave that be.

Michelle: You are quite correct, many people in the community are quite wary of doctors. Beyond the fact that many states have some very draconian laws about what we do, up until recently, BDSM was listed as a mental health disorder. Thankfully, that has changed. Still, we have a great local community, and finding a kink-friendly doctor isn't that hard.

SNeacail: Thanks for your input. In fact, this is the first depressive episode she has had in years. She was on a treatment that her and her doctor had hoped would "reset" the serotonin levels in her brain, and negate the need for a life-long drug regimen. Sadly, with this relapse, that hope has been dashed, and we are restarting the work to get her back on the drugs required to equal out the levels in her brain. As for knowing herself without the depression, she does. Reevaluation should occur all the time, regardless of anything else. She would not be the first, nor would she be the last person to decide that this community would not be for her. I don't see that happening, but if she did, then we would sit down and decide where that leaves us as a couple. To quote the janitor: "Everything is negotiable".
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  #27  
Old 08-29-2011, 08:37 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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When you say the first post not really hostile.....just sort of hostile. What is disingenuous ....I implied nothing ...I asked a question.

I didn't decide she couldn't trust her gut ....she said she didn't trust it ...ala razor talk. I dont know what kind of Dr she has or doesn't..... again your reading a great deal that's just not there.

If you read here for any length of time you will find that the people are going to tell you like they see it....perhaps a little harsh even. I don't even put myself in that group but maybe now I should.

And yes, I don't think this is the best match.....sorry .....just my limited opinion.
Stated my intention before sorry that wasn't good enough...

Sn.....maybe you can address the topic of people here telling it like they see it.



Sorry got to go

Last edited by dingedheart; 08-29-2011 at 08:44 PM.
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  #28  
Old 08-29-2011, 09:09 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
If you read here for any length of time you will find that the people are going to tell you like they see it....perhaps a little harsh even.
True and some are extremely good with their floggers, be it verbal, written and/or leather . Just remember, there will be harsh questions, for the sole purpose of determining if the original poster has an answer. How some of those questions are answered, makes a big difference in how people respond.

Quote:
I don't even put myself in that group but maybe now I should.
Actually DH, these and many more recent post seem to have lost the angry tone . However, you are going to have to learn to use the "smilies" to the right of the reply box, because sometimes your sarcastic comments get lost (taken as angry or very harsh) when written .
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  #29  
Old 08-29-2011, 09:09 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Dinged, the way you come across (to me) is that people with clinical depression who can't trust themselves shouldn't be in a relationship, when (from my own experience with a bi-polar husband) the relationships in their life are often the reason they don't give into the razor talking to them.
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  #30  
Old 08-29-2011, 09:12 PM
Monogamish Monogamish is offline
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Anneintherain : My female half wishes to express her thanks. You were the sort of story/advice she was looking for. That as long as communication stays open, that what she wants is quite possible.

The last thing I have to state is this: In life, good communication is based on facial expressions, active listening, empathizing, understanding, and clearness. In the digital realm , good communication relies more heavily on clear wording, proper grammar and spelling, and verbosity. The less you explain, the more the reader will have to interpret themselves, and therein lies where it usually goes wrong.
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