Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-29-2011, 06:27 AM
MoniMoni MoniMoni is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3
Default A little help with my story please

I'm 40 years old and was with a woman for 15 years. I never liked the label of being a lesbian, it just happened that I fell in love with a woman. We split up a little over a year ago. I've always been attracted to both sexes but again the label of bisexual I'm not a fan of either.

I am not too familiar with Polyamory but things have changed a bit. I met a man about a month ago and we hit it off right away. I'm not looking for a let's move in together and get married kind of relationship right now. When talking with this man he had stated that he was married and he was in a Polyamorous relationship. I was not unfamiliar with the term Polyamory but don't know much about it. Him and I talk about it and things are still going well, I'm finding that I'm really open to this.

I'm just having a hard time with what the "rules" are. I hate to use that word but I am so not wanting to interfere in the dynamics of their marriage that I'm not sure how I really am going to fit in. He's very open to my questions and has answered everything I have asked. I just feel out of sorts asking when it's ok to text or call. I just don't know how things work and I'm sure it's different in every Poly relationship. I just feel like I'm muttering through it all for now. I don't want to feel overwhelmed with things as this should be a great beginning, I guess it will just take time to learn. I appreciate any questions, comments or suggestions that any of you have to offer.

Thanks!
Moni
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-29-2011, 07:58 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 819
Default

Yes, everybody muddles through these things differently
If dating somebody in an established couple, they probably already have some agreements between them. I'd start by asking what agreements they have. In my case, my married boyfriend just had agreement with his wife to let her know when he starts dating somebody, and when he is becoming sexual with somebody, I know he gets texts and phone calls a lot when he is with me - I rarely text or call, and have settled things mostly by telling him it's up to him to tell me if I do anything communication wise that is a problem for him or his wife, and I am glad to change my behavior if that turns out to be the case. I try to just communicate as naturally as I would as if it were a monogamous relationship.

My husband and I have many more agreements/steps when starting to date somebody, but that is OUR onus to communicate to other romantic interests, not their job to worry about if they are stepping over lines or not.

If you end up meeting their partner, it can help if you are able to talk to them, and let them know you're open to input from them about how they feel, and that if they have any problems they are welcome to talk to you directly. That might be overthinking (cause thats what I do!), but if the worry goes on long term it might help, if that feels comfortable to do.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-30-2011, 07:21 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 194
Default

I'm involved with a guy outside my marriage, and I text and call him whenever I feel like it, whether my husband's around or not. We don't really have a time when it's "okay" for other partners to call. So I think it sort of depends on the couple's specific rules, and this guy is the best person to ask about that sort of thing.

One word of caution: if you can only call certain hours of the day when his wife's not around, and you never meet the wife, do you know if he's telling the truth when he says he's poly? Make sure he's not "just" cheating.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-30-2011, 08:09 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

You don't need the permission or approval of people on this forum to live your life as you see fit.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-31-2011, 10:42 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,460
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoniMoni View Post
I'm 40 years old and was with a woman for 15 years...We split up a little over a year ago...
Sorry for your loss. I hope you've recovered and are enjoying your new freedom!

Quote:
I am not too familiar with Polyamory but things have changed a bit. I met a man about a month ago and we hit it off right away... When talking with this man he had stated that he was married and he was in a Polyamorous relationship. I was not unfamiliar with the term Polyamory but don't know much about it. Him and I talk about it and things are still going well, I'm finding that I'm really open to this.
Being with a poly guy who has a primary can be a good way to keep your independence for a while... for as long as you like!

Quote:
I'm just having a hard time with what the "rules" are. I hate to use that word but I am so not wanting to interfere in the dynamics of their marriage that I'm not sure how I really am going to fit in. He's very open to my questions and has answered everything I have asked. I just feel out of sorts asking when it's ok to text or call.

I just don't know how things work and I'm sure it's different in every Poly relationship. I just feel like I'm muttering through it all for now.
Well, it does depend on the particular couple... but don't forget, as a "secondary," your feelings, needs, and rights are just as important as theirs.

Try and work through feeling "out of sorts" to ask what kind of boundaries the couple has around him getting your texts and calls. One thing we all agree on here is that clear and honest communication is extremely important in polyamory... even moreso than in mono relationships.

His wife's comfort around him getting messages from other lovers partly depends on how long they've been practicing polyamory and how well they have worked through the initial jealousy issues. Another factor would be if they are both extremely busy with jobs or kids or other such things, and don't really have that much time to be together and focused on each other.

Have you talked to his wife yet online, or met her in person?

For my gf miss pixi and me, we have times when we want to focus on each other, and other times in the day where we both enjoy sitting on our respective computers and talking to others, either friends or lovers. If one of us wants some focused attention, we make sure to tell the other. It's not up to the other people to read either of our minds about how we are feeling about talking to others.

Quote:
I don't want to feel overwhelmed with things as this should be a great beginning, I guess it will just take time to learn. I appreciate any questions, comments or suggestions that any of you have to offer.
As you read around the board, you will find a nice variety of how people make poly work for them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
You don't need the permission or approval of people on this forum to live your life as you see fit.
Huh? I didn't get the idea she was asking for anyone's permission or approval, just for information and experiences.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
Robin, 60 (mono)
and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-31-2011, 11:52 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,058
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MoniMoni View Post
I'm finding that I'm really open to this.

I'm just having a hard time with what the "rules" are. I hate to use that word but I am so not wanting to interfere in the dynamics of their marriage that I'm not sure how I really am going to fit in. He's very open to my questions and has answered everything I have asked. I just feel out of sorts asking when it's ok to text or call. I just don't know how things work and I'm sure it's different in every Poly relationship.
Great that you're open to poly!

Lots of people prefer the word "boundaries" over rules because it's a bit more of a fluid concept. Whether you call them boundaries or rules, many of them can be renegotiated and revised as needed.

It's funny, if it were a monogamous relationship, you probably wouldn't think twice about asking when it's okay to text or call ("So, is it okay if I call you at work?" or "How late can I call you?" is easy enough). Relationships in general depend on the same considerations, respect, and communication, whether mono or poly. Just in poly, as Mags said and as you will hear and read over and over again, honest communication is crucial.

When I recently began a relationship with a married poly guy (didn't work out, so I ended it, but I learned a lot) the question I asked him was, "What rules do you and your wife have that will affect me?" If there had been something I was uncomfortable with, I wouldn't have embarked on the relationship, so it was important for me to ask. As far as texts/calls, we had a mutual understanding that we could text each other anytime but neither of us would expect texts to be answered right away. If one or the other was busy or occupied, we'd answer the text when we became free... no hard feelings. If we needed an answer right away, we'd say so. This was an LDR, so we only spoke on the phone about once a week or so, but I told him I preferred that we send a text first to see if we had time to talk, before either of us actually called. This worked for us.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:19 AM.