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Old 08-28-2011, 03:18 PM
SelfDiscovery SelfDiscovery is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 5
Default Trying to figure myself out.

It's funny.. Reading this board, it always seems so clear that people are sure they are poly (or not). There is this air of.. Confidence.

Yes, some people say, I identify as poly. Others say they are mono.

But, what is in between? Is there an in between? I'm trying to figure that out. Reading here, it all seems so cut and dry. You must be poly if you can conduct multiple romantic relationships.

My question, really, is... How do you know that? If you are mostly happily married, and you find yourself falling for someone new, is that poly? Is it only poly if the existing relationship is perfectly stable, and the new relationship progresses to a romantic, reciprocated state?

When I first started reading this board, I thought I had an 'aha' moment. I thought, I can do that. I love my wife, and I love my new friend. I would like to keep my existing marriage, and at the same time, feel free to pursue the developing new feelings...

But, as I read more, it seems that a lot of the people who start to pursue poly don't have as healthy a primary relationship as they initially think. Often, it seems, there are some real issues that drove them to go in this direction.

Maybe there are sexual issues or incompatibilities. Maybe they, or their spouse, has been cheating, and they are trying to make sense of that. Maybe it's something less easily apparent, perhaps a codependent relationship where they feel they need to look externally for fulfillment, so they want to pull in multiple partners to provide fulfillment that one cannot, when maybe they should start by finding a place where they are happy with themselves..

This leads me to start really questioning, am I poly, or are there issues in my relationship that just have me thinking this is a .. Simpler? Solution. Or, are the issues I'm starting to see, as I look at my relationship and start down this road, actually a result of a suppressed poly tendency?

I suppose, in reading more and more, I've moved from confused to clear to confused again. I've talked to several counselors, who all seem to come from a perspective of 'You must be mono, that is the standard state, and if you don't feel that way, we have to find what is wrong with you so you can feel that way'.

Could be bad luck with counselors. Maybe they know something I don't. Not sure, but either way, I'm thinking I may have better luck sorting through this by blogging/journaling, in a place like this filled with people who have probably asked a lot of the same questions, and at least found answers that work for themselves.
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