Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 10-26-2009, 01:11 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510
Default Running through my head #3

Then Friday hit.

So Friday we have counseling (well next week it's on Wednesday but generally it's Fridays).

This week on our way there Maca was distant, cold even. I was worried.
I asked.
He popped off with "My concern about pursuing a sexual relationship with X is the rules that x+1 have."

My proverbial jaw dropped and I was speechless for a few minutes-which is flat amazing for me.

Just for those who may not know-I have NO ISSUE with Maca finding a partner in addition to me.

But-x is MY friend. A friend who he has pointedly refused to REALLY get to know in the 4-5 years she's been in my life. We worked together, went on trips together for shows we sold product in, went out dancing, have dinner, email, text, talk on the phone, babysit etc" but he's always kept her at a distance. ALWAYS.

I NEVER saw this coming.

Now I knew SHE (and her husband) were interested in Maca and I. I knew she was open to something with Maca OR I. She knows I'm not interested.

But Maca has always said "nope. no way, no how".

So this beginning sentence was like a fast ball in baseball-only I felt like I had no mitt. In fact I felt like I caught the 100 mph ball in my mouth!

I personally think (unfortunately no one else heard it so...) that I handled it VERY well.
I didn't flip out. I just asked him to please back up to the argument they had last week over something she said to me that he wasn't intended to see-but did. I let him know it was hard to digest how they got from name calling to possible sex partners in 1 week without knowing that they had even been talking.

Now-to clarify-I DID know that they got into a text war over the name calling.
I did know that she apologized the next day via text and he accepted.
I did know that he asked me to ask her when his email was coming (what email I thought at the time but didn't elaborate) and mid week I did know he had been texting her at work (he's usually a one liner kind of texter) because he mentioned that he had texted her which I thought "huh didn't know he had her cell number".

Anyway-he did explain. It didn't get heated, just a bit awkward.
We went to bed-he was bent and feeling like dirt.
the next morning I had digested enough to really explain why my face kept giving him those "WTF" expressions.

I explained that:

I didn't (dont) have an issue with him pursuing that possible relationship.
I don't have an issue with him bringing it up on Friday even though the topic arose somewhere between the prior Friday and then.
But I did feel that in the future he needed to start such conversations differently.

I explained that I needed for MY mind to process this info the "steps" such as:

we were talkign about our fight and realized that it was a misunderstanding. I realized she's very intelligent and liked talking to her so I talked to her more.
Now I find I'm attracted to her (dont' care why really) and am looking at possibly pursuing this...
OK! Gotcha. No curve ball.

or at least-Hey honey-I need to throw a few fast balls-can you get a mitt. Then I KNOW that you are about to hit me with a stunner.

Also-that i needed him to know that when he's going to hit me with a stunner-he needs to remember I'm not superwoman. If he's throwing the curve ball-it's HIS job to reassure me, so don't throw curve balls if it's a day you really need me to reassure you.
I really can't throw myself into protecting and caring for you if you are smacking me in the mouth with a baseball.

I felt MUCH better after our talk. He's still feeling a bit like he's face first in the mud. I wish he didn't-because we SO needed to take that step. How can any other step be made for a new person-for ANY OF US if we don't know how to address it? (no need to answer that was rhetorical).

Anyway-so many other technicalities have arisen in that situation I can't begin to guess where it will go-but I'm really glad we figured out the "rules" we need in place for "tough topics".

That was something we have struggled with in the past and we've got some great pointers from our counselor-which are working famously-but this was the first big one we identified all by ourselves!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote

acceptance, communication, progression, shock

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:17 AM.