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  #21  
Old 08-28-2011, 12:29 AM
nllswing nllswing is offline
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I wrote the post below after reading the first couple of posts. From what I read after I saw that the situation is quite serious. In any case, my original post was meant as general advice:

Longing, sometimes people honestly believe that they can fit in a strictly monogamous life with a love one and rely on fantasies and/or masturbation to cope with their desires for sexual variety. As the years go by, it becomes more clear to them that this is hard or impossible. Even of one is extra strong and never "touches" others, having unfulfilled desires can still result in penetrating unhappiness and can put toll on the family happiness.

If you are seeking a marriage counselor, I'd advise to look for one who is open to "poly" issues. Such person will not necessarily encourage that you open your relationship but will offer an understanding ear and will try to help you resolve your issues without condemning.

Last edited by nllswing; 08-28-2011 at 12:34 AM.
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  #22  
Old 08-28-2011, 06:32 PM
hoorayjeebus hoorayjeebus is offline
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I'm new to this board too, but I've been on another poly related board for awhile which has helped me.
Your situation sounds similar to my own and to a lot of others' here; where what began as a bedroom fantasy ended up spilling out into real life.

Based (only) on what you are saying, it seems that your husband is not being straightforward or honest with you about his attempts to pursue other relationships at all. Whether this is based on a larger problem of communication within the relationship or not, I don't know.

At any rate, what I do know is this type of secretive behavior is destructive, no matter what type of relationship you are in. If he wants to stay with you (i.e. not destroy the relationship) he should understand this. If he feels he cannot be up front with you because you cannot handle the news without freaking out on him, then both of you should check out books and media on nonviolent / nonconfrontational communication.

It sounds like you need time to figure things out. Having a long-term partner request a game-changer like this, and especially doing this in a non-constructive way, is a lot to chew on.

For your part, it is OK to not want to be in a poly relationship. There's nothing wrong with you if you're not OK with it. Some people in these situations do some deep self-analysis and realize they can make poly work; other people do the same thing and realize they cannot make it work. You need to figure out what truly, honestly, works for you, and then take that to your husband. It may be beneficial for your husband to stop seeking poly activities so you have the time and space to mull things over.
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  #23  
Old 08-30-2011, 03:22 AM
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justlost justlost is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nllswing View Post
Longing, sometimes people honestly believe that they can fit in a strictly monogamous life with a love one and rely on fantasies and/or masturbation to cope with their desires for sexual variety. As the years go by, it becomes more clear to them that this is hard or impossible. Even of one is extra strong and never "touches" others, having unfulfilled desires can still result in penetrating unhappiness and can put toll on the family happiness.

I am so learning this in my life! I keep reminding myself that my husband's being honest and open with me is a sign of his respect for me. But, Longing, the communication thing is incredibly stressful and... freeing.

For us we talk all the time, I will not meekly give up my marriage, this is my third marriage and the other two lasted about 2 years, our 11 year anniversary is in October.... I know what we have is worth fighting for... the thing is I am learning that a lot of "our" problems over the years have been MY problems for real... not a fun place. I am still very new to this and can't give much advice on long term transitions... but I can say that for me... journal (which I don't like to do but it really is helping) and talk until you feel like you will vomit purple poly bullshit at the merest hint of another serious conversation..

then have it anyway..

*hugs*

there are also a lot of life story blogs on here which have made quite a difference for me in my understanding of all of this, maybe it can help you too.
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  #24  
Old 08-31-2011, 10:56 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nllswing View Post
[Edit]
Longing, sometimes people honestly believe that they can fit in a strictly monogamous life with a love one and rely on fantasies and/or masturbation to cope with their desires for sexual variety. As the years go by, it becomes more clear to them that this is hard or impossible. Even of one is extra strong and never "touches" others, having unfulfilled desires can still result in penetrating unhappiness and can put toll on the family happiness.
(Raises hand)

Hi, this is me, to a "T".
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  #25  
Old 09-04-2011, 09:46 PM
AKbigman AKbigman is offline
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Hi everyone,
I am the DH... and I will tell you that *Longing* is my life, my wife, my best friend and over the past 6 to 8 months we have grown closer than any other time in our 12 year marriage. We have both made poor relationship decisions in recent months...kept secrets from each other about seeing others. I feel sick and relieved about all of it. Thank you, First- to to my wife for posting here (showing me all her posts and your responses), Second- encouraging me to sign on and be able to learn more about the poly life, Third- for all who posted so honestly and candidly about solutions and or hints about our relationship flaws.

In figuring this all out, I have made many mistakes that nearly pushed us into divorce. I do believe that I am a poly person, I do not know (but am learning) what that exactly means to me and my marriage and my wife (who confesses monogomy for me). I have never cheated sexually, tho thought about it when we were at our lowest point at the beginning of this year.

The challenges that we have faced this past year have been some of the toughest; working through secrets and about 10 years of honesty issues. I would like to think we have things figured out, but love is a process that has a need for constant management. Currently, we have full open communication about and for each other. I am not going to pursue a poly life without my wife, because she is at current my first priority. My love for her is more important to me at this moment. If we move from there into poly relationship, be it so, then we can cross that bridge of polyamory.

Thank you for any comments, concerns, helpful hints.
Aaron
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