Running through my head... #2
I had this f'd up nightmare. Rape scene (details not needed it wasn't a fun kinky dream, it was a horror film in action).
Anyway-C & M were in the dream as the assailants and no amount of begging was getting through.
Dream not the point-
I woke up horrified that I dreamed it. Not WHAT happened in the dream (as some might expect) but THAT I could dream such a thing about these two wonderful men who love me so much and ALWAYS do whatever they can to take my needs/wants/desires into consideration.
I was humiliated and self-conscious and mad at myself because I felt like somehow I tainted them by even DREAMING it.
Now I am not a moron, I realize I was freaking asleep and it wasn't a "hmm wonder if" or whatever.
But I was upset. Upset enough to stay in my room alone for several hours because I didn't want to get up and get my cell and tell M good morning like I normally do, and I didn't want to look C in the face.
Yeah-so the morning starts with both of them thinking maybe I'm mad at them. Maca thinks maybe I'm so caught up in C that morning I forgot him (not even close) and C thinks maybe Maca was so upset when we went to bed that I decided to avoid seeing him before he went to work that day...
Ironically I'm the one who is usually on top of my emotions/fears/insecurities and supporting THEM with theirs. So it didn't really occur to either of them that just maybe I just freaked the hell out and it wasn't either of them that was having issues-but just me.
I texted Maca an apology and let him know I just had a bad dream and we could talk when he came home.
Then I got the balls to start telling C I had a bad dream, but the craw stuck in my throat after that sentence and I didn't elaborate.
Of course both of them were apologetic and reassuring and told me they were here for me.
Later that afternoon Maca came home (C was at work by then) with a BEAUTIFUL vase of flowers. He was certain that the miscommunication we had the night before (not important) was at fault for my issues that day and wanted to make it up to me. How hard to explain that in truth it was just that I found an insecurity I wasn't really aware was there (I still haven't fully explained because it keeps coming to me in bits and pieces).
Maca and I took a shower (we often talk there because it's private and we can get two things done at once) cleaning and talking you perverts! j/k
Anyway-I told him, he helped talk me through the parts I just couldn't get myself to say. He was (duh as usual) understanding, caring, reassuring and maybe a bit relieved that it wasn't a real life issue just a dream that sent me into a tailspin.
Later I talked SOME to C but didn't finish. I wrote him an email, he read it the next day-we took a walk that night, finished the talk and both cried a little. He reassured me that it was just a dream and I reassured him that I know that.
But the thing is-my issue was this:
In spite of spending 11 years asking them to work on becoming friends-
I'm afraid if they decide they are "best friends" I won't be as improtant to either of them anymore and they will leave me. Ironically they are both straight as boards. We aren't talking about a "falling in love with" "he's better in bed then I am issue" we're talking about something even LESS significant in so many ways.
BUT these two men have been my rocks for so long-I guess the change of them becoming friends felt more threatening than I thought it would!
I'm not hiding from it-and I'm sure as hell not going to ask them to stop now! I WANT them to become friends for many reasons, but now there is a new reason.
I want them to become good friends, best friends even. Because I want to prove to my inner self that them being best friends will never change that each of them individually loves me and are my two best friends as well.
"Love As Thou Wilt"