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  #11  
Old 08-23-2011, 09:10 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by leslie View Post
. . . I am feeling much more positive that this is a great thing for us as a couple and for a way for me to grow beyond my fears.
I really do believe that polyamory, when approached with thoughtfulness, consideration, and respect, is a very useful dynamic within which to learn about ourselves and help us grow as individuals.
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  #12  
Old 08-25-2011, 07:16 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Thank you, that was helpful.
I agree that micromanaging is destructive. Interesting idea to let go and trust. How do you do that? It is a mystery to me how people can trust one another. I have been so hurt in the past, I have a lot of healing to do. I am not really sure that Polyamory is filling my needs. I think intellectually, I am totally on board, but my emotional state is pretty fragile.
Trust comes from a foundation of saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and doing it.

There may be some miscommunication between you and your h. There may be a case of him not seeing what a big deal it is to you to "up the level of intimacy" without talking to you about it first. Certainly, if you are struggling, you have to tell him. He can't possibly be sensitive to what you are feeling if he has to guess what you are feeling--none of us are born mind readers, and men are stereotypically horrible at getting hints (hint, hint!).

Best,
MT
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  #13  
Old 08-26-2011, 12:38 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I think I might be able to understand where some of your husband's confusion came from; if he thinks anything like me staying in for a movie is not "upping the intimacy". I don't see how staying in versus going out is more intimate. It may be that in his mind it wasn't, where in yours it is.
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  #14  
Old 08-26-2011, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
I think I might be able to understand where some of your husband's confusion came from; if he thinks anything like me staying in for a movie is not "upping the intimacy". I don't see how staying in versus going out is more intimate. It may be that in his mind it wasn't, where in yours it is.
Again, really? Being out in a public place is just as intimate as cuddling on the couch alone? There is more opportunity and privacy for sexual activities home on the couch than out playing a game of pool together. This is the obvious point. It takes more trust as well. Trust between the couple on the date, and trust for the primary left at home for both of the ones on the date.

That is why I always meet a new person out in public for at least the first date.

from the Practical Polyamory website, advice for a couple just opening their marriage, where one is poly and the other mono:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...lationship.pdf

Quote:
If your partner does agree to give it a try, this is where baby steps are important. (Note:Inaction and foot dragging do not count as baby steps.) Don't expect them to deal well with it if the first thing you propose is going away for the weekend with someone else. Instead, make a first date with someone else for coffee in the afternoon or on a week night instead of dinner on Saturday night, which holds too much significance as a
"date night". Don't stay gone more than a couple of hours. Come home when you say you will, and be attentive to your partner. Check in on how they are feeling and be open to listening to what they are feeling...

After your partner is reasonably comfortable with your having dates for coffee, acknowledge that it's time to move on to the next step of the plan. Make a dinner date for a week night (no sex!) and come home when you promise...

Accountability and integrity on everyone's part will greatly increase your chances for success. Prove to them in everything you do that they can trust you.
In this case, she trusted they'd be out on a date in public. Instead, they stayed in. The husband didn't do what he said he would, changed plans and didn't inform her til after the fact. He wasn't accountable, and he didn't inspire trust.
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  #15  
Old 08-26-2011, 10:55 PM
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Mags, haven't you ever had sex in the movie theatre? Or in a car parked on the side of the road? I find that there are as many opportunities to be intimate in public as there are at home. Intimacy, for me, is not about location, but intent. I agree that he did not do what she was expecting him to do and that did breech her trust by not keeping to the plan.
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  #16  
Old 08-26-2011, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
Mags, haven't you ever had sex in the movie theatre? Or in a car parked on the side of the road? I find that there are as many opportunities to be intimate in public as there are at home.
For me, cars - yes, movie theater - no!!! I didn't think that was a common place to do it! How, with the arms between the seats and sticky floor? I think some research is in order now - I wanna ask someone out to the movies!
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-30-2014 at 10:29 PM.
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  #17  
Old 08-27-2011, 12:57 AM
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Yes, twice, handjobs.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #18  
Old 08-27-2011, 02:18 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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NYCindie and Mags - I know that in the early days of dating Runic Wolf, I don't remember a single movie we went to; I wasn't watching them at all. As for the how, it's simple - hit the late night showing of a move later in the week (some theatres have fold up arms for their seats.... in Manhattan, KS the movie theatre has couples seats - basically a double wide seat w/o the center arm rest); wear a skirt; sit in the back in the corner or find the spot that gets the least amount of light; sit on his lap and enjoy.
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  #19  
Old 08-27-2011, 03:40 AM
RunicWolf RunicWolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
NYCindie and Mags - I know that in the early days of dating Runic Wolf, I don't remember a single movie we went to; I wasn't watching them at all. As for the how, it's simple - hit the late night showing of a move later in the week (some theatres have fold up arms for their seats.... in Manhattan, KS the movie theatre has couples seats - basically a double wide seat w/o the center arm rest); wear a skirt; sit in the back in the corner or find the spot that gets the least amount of light; sit on his lap and enjoy.
I highly endorse this! When you need a little sexy time, but don't have a way to get alone, this is the next best thing, especially if it's a crappy moving nearing the end of it's run. You might be alone in the theater anyways...

On topic, however, if it's anything we've learned in this house it's this: communication, communication, and communication. Notice a pattern there? Sometimes what you have to say might hurt the other person, but better to get it out in the open then to suffer endlessly silently.

Oh yea, and communicate!
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  #20  
Old 08-27-2011, 11:42 AM
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You kwazy kidz.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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