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  #31  
Old 02-09-2011, 07:39 AM
Bricklie Bricklie is offline
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"No, with polyamory, it's not about infidelity..." "I think you need to let go of the wistful hoping that the situation was different."

-- Oh god, that's the nail on the head right there! This love's a gift as it is, I see that. I just sort of feel I've got to follow the pain, chase it to its root before I can lose it.


"To me, it sounds like you really have a good thing with perhaps the need for a little more communication to get clarity on some issues."

We had a talk today, self-consciously wry and jovial over Mexican food as all such talks should be, but actually honest and revealing. I feel better. We settled it that while we swim around in a world full of other facts, the most important to us is we'll seemingly love each other forever. It's real and it's happening. I'd rather have those words than a ring on my finger, rather have trust than a white picket fence. You're right, it's not conventional, but it's wonderful.
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  #32  
Old 02-11-2011, 11:37 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi Bricklie,

I admit it, I am 50% just reading your posts because I enjoy your writing style. The one about having to redraft your whole personality had me chuckling. But yeah, I hope you work this out. I think you should meet your man's other lady more , get to know her a bit. I think that will help everything. At least you will know.
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"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times but to get up eight times"
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  #33  
Old 02-13-2011, 11:43 PM
Bricklie Bricklie is offline
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Haha, thanks vodkafan, what a treat to hear.

You're probably completely right. She, however, has no interest in reaching for a friendship. I'm starting to think she's staunchly pretending this isn't real, wants to know little to nothing about me to enforce that. The deal is she "doesn't like to ask questions, the answers to which she'll find painful," according to Fella. Not exactly freedom of information here, more "Don't ask, don't tell" instead. Seems less than above board to me, but what do I know?

If it's that bad for her, don't they need to work that out? I know I shouldn't push into their dynamic, but I am affected by her comfort. And I don't like it when he's sad by extension, makes my stomach do gymnastic things.

Additionally, my mother has declared, "If you do something to mess up my working relationship with [ML's mom] I will not take your side! I will socially abandon you; I need that woman's documents." They work at the same place and ML's mom could cause my mother some serious inconvenience if she cared to. Not that she would, but she could. So I don't want to insist on hashing it out with ML, in case ML talks to her mother about being uncomfortable and my mother belatedly takes up child abuse. Gah, small effing town.
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  #34  
Old 08-27-2011, 12:20 AM
Bricklie Bricklie is offline
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Default Dinner for Three and Dumb Panic

Last night he came over and issued an invitation from Main Lady (ML) to come over and grill vegitables that evening. We have never before crossed the streams, so to speak, and the prospect filled me with the most amazing sensation.

Pure. Animal. Terror. He could have held a gun to my head and my heart would have been more calm.

And for the first time I found out that he felt just as scared as me. There's no reason for these feelings, good lord! but somehow a united dinner with this profoundly kind, sweet lady scared the hell out of both of us. But sometimes you have to do things that are scary in order to do the right thing, eh? It takes me a long time to follow good advice, but remembering those kind suggestions I got from y'all back in January I uttered the sentence, "Well, it's what the internet thinks I should do."

And we mobilized! It took me two cigarettes and another beer, but I ended up in his car, driving to his house. The sky was bright, but the walk to the door was dark. However, it was warm inside, and we were greeted by his various animals the cheerful peak-around head of his Main Lady, beaming a happy Hello! to her man and his guest. We passed jovial small talk and a truly pleasant dinner. I made them laugh, they made me welcome. The love between them felt very warm. Only once did I discretely swallow a scream into my beer, at which point I hand signaled to fella that it was time for me to go.

This is one of those times when it is glaringly obvious that my heart will feel what it likes, even to the point of tearing itself up, even if there's not much reason to. In the car, tears, like soldiers, charged down my face. He walked me into my house, patienty waited while I blubbered, asked me what was wrong, apologized for putting me in an upsetting position. I explained no, that I, like other extroverts, operate this way sometimes, that tears and pain don't always indicate harm but rather uncomfortable and profound learning. I sounded as smart as I could with snot dripping into my mouth. Even though I was just excusing histrionic behavior, it was kind of a big moment for us.

And then, of course, as always, he left. I am getting very good at loving a man who leaves.

Out of my twisted tangle of emotion and reason came this inconclusive nonsense: When I sat with them and ate dinner I was a guest, as I will always be a guest, a tolerated trespasser. For all that I am permitted, I am still walking on another's land. I was mourning the loss of this man who sat right next to me.

What is wrong with me?

In the house, I got it--love infinitum, comensality, tribe. In the car, I fell apart. I want him more than I will ever have. Is this the hunger of the selfish? Or the monogamous? Or just the pain of cruising the learning curve?

Last edited by Bricklie; 08-27-2011 at 12:33 AM.
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