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  #61  
Old 08-26-2011, 05:20 AM
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This thread gives some really interesting insight into the possible history of poly. When I read it my confusion lifted a little. Some people are purists I think and others enjoy divisions...
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  #62  
Old 08-26-2011, 06:20 AM
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How is the other thread a possible history of polyamory? It discusses how the terminology LGBT came about, gay rights, etc. I didn't see anything about polyamory's history in that thread, other than the poster's personal experiences as related to feminism and GLBT rights.

?????
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  #63  
Old 08-26-2011, 07:13 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
...
But as I got older, I have come to enjoy my solitude and independence, although there are times I am quite lonesome. A poly tribe, or big poly family, is nothing I would ever want, whether there were kids in the equation or not. Maybe if I were still in my 20s or 30s, I'd be into it - but now in my 50s?
...
In contrast, I am a broody bloke, and in my 50s I want more than ever to live in a big family with lots of kids around, one or two of them mine and lots more kids besides.

So is there division between me and nycindie? I hope not, and certainly not from my side. Remember the 3d: diversity delights in difference.

One thing that has delighted me about meeting polys is the complete lack (in those I have met so far) of the sort of inter-faction hatred and hatred of majority groups that we are talking about over on another thread.

When I went to my first poly meet (only a few weeks ago) I was very nervous, would I as a male hettie get some of the same crap I had in the 70s and 80s? Arriving, it soon became obvious I was another majority as well, who'd have thought that poly would attract so many kinks? But there they all were. And here was me in the evil majority role on all counts... Well if they qare going to be bastards lets get it over with and go somewhere else before the entire day is ruined...

Only it wasn't like the 1980's any more, thank God. This young female gay/bi kink made it totally obvious none of that would be an issue. My day wasn't spoilt at all, I spent some six hours in the company of the group, maybe half of that talking to to that same woman.

And maybe we have a diversity of polyamories (and I could start another with my tendency to type polyamoury, the european spelling) reflecting the fact that we all have different lives to live: but lets not allow it to form divisions. And being poly, there it is easier for us to cope with honest differences: two monos with a difference over whether they wanted children are not going to have a fully happy relationship for both of them; two polys with the same difference could quite well enjoy being in a relationship that represented a 'child free' secondary relationship for the broody one.

May we celebrate diversity, may our differences become solid between us, but always as a bridge and never as a wall.
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  #64  
Old 08-26-2011, 08:07 AM
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[QUOTE=opalescent;98584]...

For me, the ethical aspect of polyamory - honesty, communication, that everyone involved with me knows about the other people I'm involved with - is paramount in defining polyamory. The ethical aspect is what makes polyamory different. Without openness and honesty, it's cheating.%
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Last edited by trueRiver; 08-26-2011 at 08:47 AM.
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  #65  
Old 08-26-2011, 08:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalExile View Post
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I think it is a tiresome exercise when people struggle with "am I poly or not?" Well, I don't think that's as important as asking what kind of relationships you want in your life and how to create them.
This is brilliant. There have been plenty of insights in the thread, but I think this one really cuts through all the semantics and gets to the heart of the matter.
Sorry I didn't thank you, SoCal, for your comment sooner. I do love it when my "brilliance" is acknowledged!

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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Divisions I have noticed first hand;

. . . Interestingly enough, married folks vs. co-habiting folks. Specifically, some people who are co-habiting have little understanding towards poly folks co-habiting and deciding to marry despite having other relationships.

. . . People with children and people who hate/fear children
I'm a little confused by your "married vs. cohabiting" statement. Could you elaborate?

Also I hope you don't consider all people who are childfree by choice, as I am, to be hateful toward or afraid of children.
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  #66  
Old 08-26-2011, 08:39 AM
trueRiver trueRiver is offline
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When I say I do not identify as polyamorous, I mean that I don't see people as wired that way. I'm just saying that I choose to live polyamorously. That's all.
agree with you this far...
Quote:
I disagree that polyamory is something you identify as, like a gender or sexual orientation.
and here I part from you. The fact that it is a choice does not stop it being an identity. I chose to become a Quaker, but that is now part of my identity. Likewise I more recently chose to identify as poly: the word represents a whole set of choices I have made since 1985 (many of them before the word 'polyamory' even existed).

But I found it was much more than that. Having made the transition wthin the last four weeks from being someone with all the poly beliefs to being someone who says "I am poly" has made a much bigger difference that I ever would have imagined. It is easier to think about the ways I am similar and different to other polys from inside the identity than it was from outside; it is easier to relate my ideas to others outside the identity as well.

Choosing to take on poly as an identity (and it certainly was a choice, in the way that being male, say, wasn't) has had an empowering and unifying effect on me as a person.
Quote:
I think it is a tiresome exercise when people struggle with "am I poly or not?" Well, I don't think that's as important as asking what kind of relationships you want in your life and how to create them.
Here I agree with you again. If someone is struggling with "am I poly?" then the most helpful response is "well do you want to be?".

If they are struggling with putting that answer into practice, that does not mean they are not poly (or not mono), but that they still have stuff to learn about the decision they made.

In short, for those who like academic soundbites: being poly is a chosen identity, not a determined one.

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  #67  
Old 08-26-2011, 08:45 AM
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Originally Posted by River View Post
Polyamory differs from various other forms of non-monogamy in that it explicitly emphasizes loving relationships, as contrasted with sex and sexuality. This distinguishes poly relationships from "f**kbuddies" and most which go by the term "friends with benefits," as well as "casual" ... "one night stands".

Most poly folk are not happy to have the term "polyamory" eroded or degraded to mean just anything anyone wants to use this term for.
As a Quaker I would say "my Friend speaks my mind"

@River: you share my thoughts on this, as well as sharing my name
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  #68  
Old 08-26-2011, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by trueRiver View Post
In short, for those who like academic soundbites: being poly is a chosen identity, not a determined one.
Have to disagree with you, here. (And NYC's similar sentiment; can't be bothered to multiquote on iPad.)

I do believe it is possible for someone to choose to be poly, structure their relationships in a poly fashion, or identify as poly. However you'd like to put it.

But there are some for whom it is not a choice. What proof do you want? Well, me. Unless you are referring to choosing poly over cheating or serial monogamy for the rest of my life. That's about the only choice I have over how I deal with falling in love ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME.
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  #69  
Old 08-26-2011, 02:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
...
I do believe it is possible for someone to choose to be poly, structure their relationships in a poly fashion, or identify as poly. However you'd like to put it.

But there are some for whom it is not a choice. What proof do you want? Well, me. Unless you are referring to choosing poly over cheating or serial monogamy for the rest of my life. That's about the only choice I have over how I deal with falling in love ALL THE FRICKIN' TIME.
I meant my post personally, from my perspective; I find poly was a choice I made and I am glad I made it. When I was in a mono relationship I was able to honour the mono committment I made.

I totally accept that your experience differs; if you adopted the soundbite approach I guess you'd be happier saying that for you poly was a determined identity not a chosen one.
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  #70  
Old 08-30-2011, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I'm a little confused by your "married vs. cohabiting" statement. Could you elaborate?
I was a bit surprised this by myself. I went out on a date with a guy who was quite anti-marriage, and argued that especially in a poly context, marriage didn't make sense. He thought that marriage as a sign of commitment is useless, since people should commit to long-term relationships anyway, married or not; or that the fact you are in a long-term relationship with someone requires commitment, so it should be self-evident without the need for any public ceremony. I hope I caught his reasoning right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Also I hope you don't consider all people who are childfree by choice, as I am, to be hateful toward or afraid of children.
Nope, that's why I thought the division isn't really between child-free people, some of whom don't mind hanging out around kids at all and some who like kids, even. The actual problems in my congif for example are not that Moonlightrunner had kids and VanillaIce doesn't, but that Vanilla is scared of kiddies (it's almost a phobia, really). So people who honestly have a problem with kids and are poly probably are not interested in attending events where there will be a lot of families etc.
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