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  #21  
Old 08-26-2011, 05:17 AM
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Originally Posted by BlackUnicorn View Post
Does poly-fi equal fluid-bonding BTW? I imagine if one partner would have an existing condition it wouldn't necessarily.
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Good question BU. Poly-fi usually means a closed sexual group that treasures sexual fidelity and therefore trusts that the need for most safe sex practices is not necessary. At least this is what I understand.
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't think polyfidelity should automatically be equated in one's mind with fluid bonding. There are surely polyfi tangles who still use protection, for whatever reason, and there are poly people who have open arrangements and are fluid-bonded with certain people but use protection with others. Of course, fluid-bonding is an agreement hopefully reached after a long period of developing trust, but it's not the same as polyfidelity, which is also about emotional faithfulness.
That is why I said "usually."

Some people would say that I am in a poly fi situation at the moment, but as there is no agreement that we stick to having sex with JUST the closed group, and because I use condoms with two of my partners, this to me is not a usual example of poly fi.
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  #22  
Old 08-26-2011, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
That is why I said "usually."

Some people would say that I am in a poly fi situation at the moment, but as there is no agreement that we stick to having sex with JUST the closed group, and because I use condoms with two of my partners, this to me is not a usual example of poly fi.
Oh yeah, I wasn't challenging you, just adding to what you said and directing my answer to BU.

Interesting about your situation, RP. I did think you had an agreement with your partners to be polyfi.
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  #23  
Old 08-26-2011, 11:34 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Interesting about your situation, RP. I did think you had an agreement with your partners to be polyfi.
I did as well. If you use condoms, wouldn't it just be for birth control and not to protect against disease? I assume both your guys are disease-free.
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  #24  
Old 09-01-2011, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Interesting about your situation, RP. I did think you had an agreement with your partners to be polyfi.
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I did as well. If you use condoms, wouldn't it just be for birth control and not to protect against disease? I assume both your guys are disease-free.
No agreement to be poly-fi, it just kinda turned out like that. Some of us are able to seek other partners... I am too even. There are just no interests right now. We have an agreement to stick to our agreements...

Yes, condoms for birth control... not disease control. We don't have any concerns to think about in that area, last time we checked....
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  #25  
Old 10-19-2011, 01:25 PM
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I got this from wikipedia.....

Polyfaithful relationships are closed in the sense of closed and open marriages, in that partners agree not to be sexual outside the current members of the group. New members may generally be added to the group only by unanimous consensus of the existing members, or the group may not accept new members.


This is why I feel polyfidelity is more open than the traditionally strict definition of monogamy. In a poly relationship, partners make agreements, but those can change. Where monogamy is sexual fidelity between two partners.

I would like to point out that perhaps there is an emotional as well as physical aspect of relationships. People practicing non-monogamy recognize that you can have sexual exclusivity without emotional exclusivity, and vice versa, you can be emotionally exclusive without sexual exclusivity. Or you can be both emotionally & sexually non-exclusive.

There are also lots of 'inbetween' stages between polyamory & polyfidelity.
Some partners may be open to the idea of adding more partners, but haven't found the right person yet, so they are 'practicing' polyfidelity.
Others have open relationships, but require that their future partners get along with current partners.

Another example; perhaps 3 people in a romantic relationship (triad) make the agreement to only date each other (polyfidelity)& and for safety reasons, only share fluids between each other (fluid bonding).
However, this triad, decide to go play with some people strictly for NSA non-monogamy (swinging) using barriers/condoms. So while they fluid & emotionally exclusive, they are not totally sexually exclusive.
Or, they could decide to later add a 4th person to the group to make a quad. (opening then closing the relationship again)

I really don't know what to call all these examples haha all I know is that there are lots of ways to make relationship styles it work for you, so every relationship is going to be different & I think that is a good thing as long agreements are clear, and communication of new needs/desires is taken into consideration.

Last edited by Senga; 10-19-2011 at 01:29 PM.
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  #26  
Old 10-19-2011, 02:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Someone told me awhile back that they considered poly fidelity the same as monogamy.
....................
Is this a common thought in the community?
Hey RP,

It never ceases to amaze me how we have to try and constantly rewrite the dictionary. We have more communication breakdowns in this world because of this than any other reason. People just insist on calling apples oranges because they are color blind !

We have terms like 'orange' and 'tangerine' for a reason. Although they share certain common traits (color, taste to a degree) etc, they are distinctly different enough to justify their own definition.

Poly fi is POLYFI !
Monogamy is MONOGAMY

Tell your friend to give up playing linguist

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  #27  
Old 10-19-2011, 11:51 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Weird...Somehow, my post got put into a different thread...That was weird. Anyway, THIS is the thread it was MEANT for...so here it is again.


Again, we run into definitions and how everyone's definition is different.

I have a different VERSION of poly than a lot of you guys do. Does it make MY version "bad"? No. Does it make it "wrong"? Not really. How about the same questions for your versions? Not even.

Of course, to me, it sounds like he is more "swinger" than "poly", but if it works for his/her relationship, then great!

Now, I may be misunderstanding something here though. This is difficult to put into writing...but...I'll try

We have a couple: H1=husband 1 and W1=wife 1
And another couple H2=husband 2 and W2=wife 2

These 2 couples are in a poly-fi relationship.

For this example, all parties are straight. (no reason behind it other than it's easier)

IN MY OPINION, H1 should be able to sleep with W1 AND W2 any time he wants to as long as that is their relationship dynamic. SOMETIMES, that is not the dynamic. SOMETIMES, the dynamic calls for a 4-some only, and therefore the only time H1 would be able to sleep with W2, would be if H2 and W1 are both present.


For H1 to be able to sleep with W2 or W1 anytime he wishes (and the woman in question is willing) all parties should be on the same page. This may take time to reach that level of comfortability.




NOW....Does H1 get to sleep with random women from craigslist also? How about at the swingers club? or a swingers party? I don't believe so.

Let's look at the words involved here......Polyamorous, and fidelity. (Oddly enough, google chrome is calling both of those as misspelled words. LOL)
Poly-amorous-loving many
fidelity-strict observance of promises, duties, etc. and loyalty and conjugal faithfulness

So, the people involved, H1, W1, H2, W2 are all loving each other, yet staying faithful TO each other in the relationship dynamic. e.g. not going out and sleeping with random other people that are not involved within their quad.

Just my opinion.
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  #28  
Old 12-16-2011, 02:16 PM
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There seems to be quite the issue here with poly fi...Well, from a poly fi stand point, some us view non-poly fi as just a bunch of people cheating openly. I am not saying that is how all of us feel. We are unusual here, i think. We are two women and a man. The girls are both bi, the man is straight. The girls have sex together, and with the man. The man has sex with either girl and often with both together. We are not a V, where one has sex with the others. I don't know how to describe us here. We are not open to others, it is what is sounds like, fidelity. And while someone here says we are no different from mono. think about this, you are married, but all of your friends and family know that where you go there will always be three. it is a life long relationship that you have to explain to everyone who knows, or catches on, or...is that like mono??? I think not. The people who i see here mostly seem to be in open marriages, and get to decide occasionally to have sex with a third. this is consent to by the others. But many of these people have it as a secret. in poly fi, it can't really be a secret, it is a commitment to living openly very differently, and that is soooo not mono...
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  #29  
Old 12-16-2011, 02:47 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I wouldn't say your situation is unusual -- you're in a poly-fidelitous triad. While it's not what many in the poly community end up finding works best for them, it's certainly an understood and accepted way of going about things, except for perhaps among the few closed-minded folks who think their way (of more openness) is the only real/right way.

I see poly-fi as definitely being different from mono. After all, you've discardeded the fundamental idea that only two people can love each other romantically at once. However, there is a similarity that doesn't exist in more open poly structures in that sexual and romantic exclusivity is equated with commitment. So, I see poly-fi as being poly, but a certain subtype of poly that does share at least one thing in coming with monogamy.

All that said, I really take umbrage at the suggestion that more open poly is equivalent to cheating. Maybe it would be in your relationship, but if others have set different rules, which they are following faithfully, then by definition they're not "cheating". It's dismissive and divisive to put it that way. It also just seems odd to imply that there's anything wrong with open poly when so many people find love, joy, and commitment within it.
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  #30  
Old 12-16-2011, 03:08 PM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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In addition to what AnnabelMore said about not equating more open poly to cheating, I also wanted to challenge your idea, Russ, that anything but poly-fi is just people occasionally having sex with a third person. My husband and I aren't poly-fi, but we have outside relationships. It's not just an occasional romp in the sack either, my husband has been with his girlfriend for three years. They love each other. While I've only been with my boyfriend for two months, it's not just about sex, we're trying to build a loving relationship. Just because we don't have the same rules you do doesn't mean we're not commited to our other relationships. Exclusivity does not have to be present for commitment to exist and it's very closed-minded to say that if there isn't exclusivity then there isn't honesty or love but only sex.

Edited to fix a very funny auto-correct by my phone.

Last edited by Hannahfluke; 12-16-2011 at 03:11 PM.
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