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  #141  
Old 06-22-2011, 02:53 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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Sage -- we actually did change some boundaries over the years for those reasons. At first we said no relationships/sex in our circle of mutual friends, but it wasn't realistic for us. Right now, what we have is very minimal and is the basic that I need in the relationship.

After talking, it seems clear that this is finally the wake-up call that should have come ages ago. I think also because I have no anger right now, just sadness, that it's been easier to really talk about.

I'm leaning toward asking him to think about counseling and creating some space between us. Although finding a poly-friendly counselor is going to be a challenge. It puts off having to decide to end this or not and concentrates on the process of change. So hard.
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  #142  
Old 06-23-2011, 03:33 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chimera View Post
Sage -- we actually did change some boundaries over the years for those reasons. At first we said no relationships/sex in our circle of mutual friends, but it wasn't realistic for us. Right now, what we have is very minimal and is the basic that I need in the relationship.

After talking, it seems clear that this is finally the wake-up call that should have come ages ago. I think also because I have no anger right now, just sadness, that it's been easier to really talk about.

I'm leaning toward asking him to think about counseling and creating some space between us. Although finding a poly-friendly counselor is going to be a challenge. It puts off having to decide to end this or not and concentrates on the process of change. So hard.
I totally get how hard it is. For me, the no anger was a sign, too. I had just come to the point where I realized that I loved him dearly, but that I just couldn't be put in the position where my trust was broken repeatedly anymore. Space can be a good thing... sometimes we get so close that we have trouble really seeing what's going on.

Counseling is not a bad thing (I say this as someone in school to become a counselor, so disclaimer!). But really... self-growth is great and sometimes it takes having someone impartial to help you see things you just can't for some reason. I did a crapload of personal growth on my own, but the past couple of months I realized how much stuff was there that needed to be dealt with to make me a healthier person. It's hard, but so worth it.
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  #143  
Old 08-17-2011, 01:49 AM
esarati300 esarati300 is offline
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I say the good thing about poly there is no cheating and everything is out in the open. so it would be useless to cheat when your ok with it. be nice if everyone became poly! because the average person (will) cheat or intend to pretty much no matter what. thats just how it is. i hate when someone say oh she or he would never do that. you will be surprise! i just don't see only one and one only together for the rest of there life. everyone think about being with someone else or trying something new. like a navy wife they will look for someone and the husband in the navy will look for someone. i feel ok with my wife seeing other guys because if you going to see someone you will do it and no one can stop you. so you might as well be free about it. plus it turns me on when she is with other guys! we are so open. the average person is very jealous if someone is sleeping with your guy/girl. i always wonder why that makes a person mad. because if you think about it when your love one go shopping you don't get jealous. but with sex with another person oh my! strange how the brain works. it's only bad if you think it is. sex is a wonderful thing so get out there and hump! lol people need to explore there love more! i am so glad for poly!
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  #144  
Old 08-17-2011, 07:21 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Hmm. Not all polyamorists would agree with your sentiments. I smile as I realize not all swingers would either. Poly usually doesn't equal rule-free.
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  #145  
Old 08-17-2011, 07:19 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Humping and love are not always the same thing, sooo some might not think that getting out and "humping" is their poly, but I get your point and enjoyed your perspective.
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  #146  
Old 08-18-2011, 10:48 AM
Allstar Allstar is offline
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Originally Posted by esarati300 View Post
I like a navy wife they will look for someone and the husband in the navy will look for someone.
I see this all the time. It is very true. But there are some of us monos that have not and will not cheat. I think it comes down to a respect issue most of the time. If you have the highest level of respect for your partner it is highly unlikely you will cheat on them.
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  #147  
Old 08-18-2011, 01:17 PM
aliceloveshatter aliceloveshatter is offline
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If I'm reading you right, you're saying that everyone will cheat at some point so we should all be poly because there's no such thing as cheating if you're poly?

I disagree wholeheartedly.
There might be the desire to be intimate with someone else, but if you respect your partner (as Allstar has mentioned) and they were uncomfortable with something, you wouldn't do it. Polyamoury isn't just an excuse to sleep with other people is it?

In our family, if I were to meet another person who I had feelings for, and sleep with them without telling Mr.V and Ms.V first, that would be cheating, because I'd deliberately gone behind their back. Likewise, if I told them first and one of them was unhappy with the idea, for whatever reason, and I ignored their request for me not to become involved with someone else, that would be cheating too.
I don't believe people will always want to cheat, and I certainly don't think that that's a good reason to open up your relationship...
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  #148  
Old 08-19-2011, 11:01 AM
gurudave gurudave is offline
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Hi to all
I love my wife, and I also love others. this does not mean I jump every one I meet. I enjoy sex and that is all it is SEX. As far as a deep conection with others I have that too and enjoy what we have. I feel honored to have these people as friends. I also enjoy having Physical love with others. I will be discussing this at burning man. Im looking forward to being with others like ME.
Also my wife is quite happy not to have sex. She is a once a month girl. She has enjoyed me shaving friends and as a massuse has no issues with touch. She dosen't like the idea of me having sex with others but she also knows Im a safe player.
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  #149  
Old 08-20-2011, 03:12 AM
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Nacirema Nacirema is offline
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Yeah, this really doesn't apply to all poly situations. There's still cheating present in mine, as if I don't tell the person/people that I'm with at the time what I'm doing, who I'm talking to (as it grows more into a serious possibility), etc., then that's dishonesty. Which, at the heart of the issue, is what cheating is really about: dishonesty with your partner.
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  #150  
Old 08-26-2011, 08:23 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Allstar View Post
I see this all the time. It is very true. But there are some of us monos that have not and will not cheat. I think it comes down to a respect issue most of the time. If you have the highest level of respect for your partner it is highly unlikely you will cheat on them.
It'd be nice if it was that simple, wouldn't it?

Many people don't figure out that they're poly until they've struggled with monogamy for a good long time, dealing with guilt, self-disappointment, and self-hatred for not being able to make these feelings for someone else "just go away." That's my story.

For a long time, I thought that only weak-willed, amoral, disrespectful people would ever cheat, and then I fell head-over-heels for someone else, and the temptation was almost more than I could bear. I managed, somehow, never to start anything with that other woman, but it took absolutely everything I had, and it made me start to resent my marriage (even though I love my wife). I finally understood why someone who really, honestly, loves and respects his partner might cheat--especially if he didn't know of an ethical alternative.

Even now, as I struggle to open my marriage without losing it, I suffer from temptation. It can be real torment sometimes, and I count myself lucky that the woman upon whom I had a crush never made any overtures of her own--I don't think I could have withstood the combined force of my own emotions as well as raging hormones in the moment.
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