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  #41  
Old 08-25-2011, 07:18 PM
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Just for clarity, she technically doesn't work in his office; she is an associate of the franchise. So it's easy for her to "stop by" but it would be just as easy for her not to, if they broke it off.

I think Sundance is thinking along the lines of, if their relationship progresses, he will be able to break it to her gently, about the lies he has told her, and hopefully she will understand and be able to forgive him.

Add to the mix that once she and I meet, things could take an interesting turn, and we can't predict what that will be. I'm not sure if I will click with her or not. I'm not sure if she will be terribly jealous of me, or not -- weird how that never really crossed my mind, when I've read enough posts of the secondary woman's feelings, you'd think I'd be more aware, DUH.

Sundance had no idea where this was going to lead. He thinks he can control his feelings, but I think her affection and attention has taken him a little more by surprise than he anticipated. People can endear themselves to you. Sometimes, it starts out that you love them. Other times, you fall in love with the way they love you. Frankly, the way she loves him has taken me aback. Powerful stuff, this love thing.

Thanks to all of you for your input, I appreciate it beyond words. And I WILL encourage the Sundance Kid to get on here, I promise!!!
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  #42  
Old 08-25-2011, 07:21 PM
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Also, TP, thanks for your posts about Indigo's "interpretation" of the truth. Makes me feel much less afraid of Sundance's. He's human. He's scared, too. He lies to me sometimes because he is afraid he can't trust me with the truth. I know that feeling.
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  #43  
Old 08-25-2011, 08:01 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by Carma View Post
Just for clarity, she technically doesn't work in his office; she is an associate of the franchise. So it's easy for her to "stop by" but it would be just as easy for her not to, if they broke it off.

I think Sundance is thinking along the lines of, if their relationship progresses, he will be able to break it to her gently, about the lies he has told her, and hopefully she will understand and be able to forgive him.
I will admit I tend to be the worrier/anxiety person, so I see the trouble that COULD happen a lot! LOL.. so take that, and this, with a grain of salt.

But... still... you don't know her that well. Maybe once she learns he's not separating from you, that you're NOT spending all of your time with your boyfriend, and that she's NOT going to be the new love of his life, and instead she has been sucked unknowingly into a poly relationship--- she might not react that well. Maybe she will, maybe she loves him that much, maybe she's truly an understanding person.

It's just as likely she'll be heartbroken, feel her trust has been broken, feel used. She might just "go away" at work. Or she might tell every single person she knows and he knows that he lied to her that they were going to be together and used her.

If she's hurt enough, you have NO idea what she's capable of, because you don't know her, and he doesn't really know her.

And how do you think she's going to handle telling her family that the guy they just met is married and staying that way? How do you think it makes her feel after she told them one thing about him, and now it turns out that isn't true.

Like I said, I always see the possibilities of drama-- and that's part of the reason I detest the lying thing. Because it creates bad situations, and invites bad reactions, and you have no idea how bad it can get.

Regardless, he needs to tread cautiously, and be prepared for a reaction he doesn't like.
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  #44  
Old 08-25-2011, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Minxxa View Post
But... still... you don't know her that well. Maybe once she learns he's not separating from you, that you're NOT spending all of your time with your boyfriend, and that she's NOT going to be the new love of his life, and instead she has been sucked unknowingly into a poly relationship--- she might not react that well. Maybe she will, maybe she loves him that much, maybe she's truly an understanding person.
And I'm suspicious of how quickly she's even saying she loves Sundance. Come on, after a few dates? So, I'm worried that she has a tendency to be co-dependent and things will get very messy indeed when the truth comes out.
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  #45  
Old 08-25-2011, 10:35 PM
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I was just thinking that as sorry as I am this is happening, I'm glad you're posting. It makes me think that if the thought pops into my head to encourage my mono bf to try poly, maybe I should refrain. I'm not saying Sun's behavior is your fault -- it's not, he is responsible for his actions -- just speculating.

Maybe mono people can't fall into openly and happily loving more than one person like poly people can. Like, maybe Sun can't bring himself to say to Barbie "I love everything about you AND I love everything about my wife" because he himself is too uncomfortable with that fact. My impression is that for most hardcore mono people (as opposed to monoflexible peeps) the very idea of someone loving multiple people is extremely difficult to process and understand, which is why they often feel so betrayed by poly partners, so it makes sense to think that they would have a hard time dealing with it in themselves too.
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  #46  
Old 08-28-2011, 05:49 PM
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Hardcore mono people wouldn't attempt to do what sundance is doing....he's making lemonade ....perhaps poorly but non the less trying to get with the new program his wife needed/wanted. Now he's damned for doing a bad job first time out...a little slack don't ya think....and he going to have to clean up his own mess.....so hand him a mop.

I think when it comes to affairs of the heart to expect the unexpected. And in some cases when the alternative Guy/gal is funnier, smarter, better looking, more interesting , sexier, better listener , better cook, more fun to be around, or a better fill in the blank ....and or less a pain in the ass... the obvious choice happens. People can not assume the when presented with a more attractive alternative (sum total not physical) that choices wont be made....there will be a shift toward the perceived better alternative....could that be the end of a marriage sure that has to always be a possibility ....it could be very very remote but thats why we suit up and play the game.
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  #47  
Old 08-28-2011, 08:58 PM
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Back from our trip. It turned out to be a disappointment for both of us -- because it was a business trip which we thought was going to include some time for pleasure -- not hardly! But we did enjoy some private time in the hotel -- we were just dog tired every moment. Bummer.

We talked poly most of the weekend. I am struggling so much. My ego is incredible! I was not expecting this at all. I was intellectualizing everything. Emotions just don't work that way. I am embarrassed that I am so HUMAN, after all -- that was not supposed to be the case; I thought I could be a machine or something!

He texted her a bit while we were driving, and a few times throughout the trip. I asked him to call her a couple of times, since I didn't want to worry if he was itching to call her, or if he was going to sneak off to do it. I am trying like hell to create an environment where MY reactions are not so ridiculously out of proportion, that he is tempted to withhold the truth from me.

She lent him her GPS for the trip. It was actually a great help. Hard for me to admit this! <<EGO>>. One thing that stung (although, wow, I'm glad he felt free enough to TELL me) was, he told her that one location is him, and the other is her, and he's going to put a heart near both of them and she will see that there is no distance between the two hearts.....(Something like that). One thing about Sundance: he is a MASTER with words. Of course he made her swoon, which in turn makes him feel like his talents are being used effectively -- I gotta face it, he totally melted her and made her day, and I can see why, it would have had the same effect on me. The hardest thing is, wondering if he is sincere or not -- I mean, if a man says something along those lines, I'd be expecting a ring, not a fling!!!! If there is no distance between his heart and hers......... where do I factor in????????

Who should be asking that question? Him, me, her......

At another point he texted her: "I miss talking to you." Really? While you're on a vacation with your wife, who you claim to love? Who should be asking that question, too?

No wonder there is so much confusion, right?

Sundance is NOT poly. He is trying it, but I know he is feeling a TON of conflict and confusion, himself. He feels he needs something on his own, to help him to deal with my relationship with Butch. I get that, but he is adding a lot of extra turmoil onto himself. Maybe he just has to find this out for himself, I don't know. This man has been a 100% devoted husband for 12 years. He has never flirted with another woman, never ever. He has been true blue and committed to me and our family for life. He has never once seen another woman that compares to me, in his eyes.

But if he's going to have a "girlfriend," he's not going to treat her like a piece of meat. He says kind words, he says loving things, because he knows that's what a girl likes to hear. Personally I wish he'd just stick to sex talk and sending naked pictures back and forth. He's taking this too far. I don't think he knows how else to do it.

I am angry with my heart for ever opening to another man, but it did and there is no way I can close it back up now. People always say, "Follow your heart" but I did. It got me into a place I really don't want to be. But the alternatives all suck, too.
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  #48  
Old 08-28-2011, 09:03 PM
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Hmm, Carma, nowhere did you mention whether or not you talked to him about the deception he's been perpetrating on her, with all the stuff he's told her about you and your marriage, and the fact that you want to meet her and for her to know you and Sundance are solid. Did you address that? Did he say he would come clean? Sundance may know how to make a girl feel good with flowery talk, but it will all turn to steaming shit when she finds out he's been lying all along to keep her around, or using her to deal with your poly.

Also, don't be angry with yourself for falling in love with Butch. Love isn't something to be angry about, AND the place you're in was not your doing alone. It's not your fault that you are uncomfortable with how Sundance is conducting his relationship with the gf, and isn't handling this as well as he could.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-28-2011 at 09:18 PM.
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  #49  
Old 08-29-2011, 02:22 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
But if he's going to have a "girlfriend," he's not going to treat her like a piece of meat. He says kind words, he says loving things, because he knows that's what a girl likes to hear. Personally I wish he'd just stick to sex talk and sending naked pictures back and forth. He's taking this too far. I don't think he knows how else to do it.
You know, I'm currently in an "open" relationship, not one that's describing itself as poly. And what you've described is sort of our rules about what we do with other people: sex talk, sexting, hot pictures, keep it sex-related, don't say the l-word. Fuck buddies, not relationships.

I recently got into a situation where my sex-only buddy has turned into something else, and I feel a need to express, well, affection? tenderness? It's for this reason that I'm looking into poly.

All I'm saying is: is it necessarily bad that he is trying to say loving things? I can definitely understand when you say that he doesn't really know how to "woo" a girl any other way.

I guess I'm asking: is it his affectionate manner really what's bothering you, or is it something else? Are you worried he is lying to you about the intent of his relationship with her? Are you feeling regretful that you and your boyfriend don't interact with that same affection?
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  #50  
Old 08-29-2011, 02:30 AM
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Sundance may know how to make a girl feel good with flowery talk, but it will all turn to steaming shit when she finds out he's been lying all along to keep her around
My hubby used to do this too, he felt like he didn't know how to make another woman feel good without making her feel like the princess of the earth Then he would wonder why his g/f's would get all crazy jealous and want him to be their only one. He came to realize the destruction that caused all of us and has been cognizant of the fact that even though you want to treat someone special and show them your love, you cannot lead them down the primrose path. There is a fine balance, Sundance will need to find what his is
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