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  #101  
Old 08-10-2011, 04:05 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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^^What BU said

Generally, it seems like equitable solutions work best. So if Romeo, despite being turned down Monday, feels his needs are being addressed and met, then there's nothing wrong with sex on Tuesday with someone else. And, of course, it matters greatly if your needs are being addressed and met.

Note equitable, not equal. You do not want to get into a 'tit for tat' situation where essentially, Romeo gets 1, other guy gets 1, and you keep a super complicated calender of who did what when, who's 'ahead', etc.

You are also welcome to PM me but really the suggestions I have are what I wrote.

Last edited by opalescent; 08-10-2011 at 04:06 PM. Reason: inelegant grammar
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  #102  
Old 08-10-2011, 05:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh honey, you're not a packet of ketchup that's expected to get passed around and squeezed out onto your guys' french fries every time you're together.

Let's say you're with Romeo one night and don't feel like getting it on. There's nothing wrong with snuggles, intimacy, and closeness without actual sex. There's nothing wrong with playing fricking Scrabble when together, without having sex. Quality time is quality time. You build your closeness on the things that make each other happy, whether there is sex or not.

And if the next (or another) night in the same week, you are with another guy, you are again not obligated to fuck. But if you want to and it happens, what does it have to do with Romeo (beyond any agreements you have for safer sex and so on)? You don't have to report back to Romeo that you had sex with the other dude, although I'm sure he's want to know that the relationship had gotten to that stage. You can't make sure everyone gets the same amount and bits of you. These are two separate relationships, and each deserve to grow and evolve in their own ways and according to what feels right.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-10-2011 at 05:40 PM.
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  #103  
Old 08-10-2011, 05:55 PM
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vixtresses vixtresses is offline
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nycindie, I think I really look up to you. I think you're right.

I think Romeo and I had agreed (well, this is what we'd been doing anyway) was for me to let him know when things progressed physically, just so he'd be aware. I'm not so sure anymore that it's necessary or beneficial for him to be aware, now.

I sent you a copy of the pm I sent opalescent and BU, I hope that's OK. You don't have to reply, but I do really like your input on things.
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  #104  
Old 08-20-2011, 09:29 PM
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vixtresses vixtresses is offline
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Well, this is sort of embarrassing.

I broke up with Romeo last night. I think I made the right decision.

We're working out the details as far as how to disentangle our lives from one another.

I think contemplating, trying, and researching polyamory helped me figure out that this was the right decision, oddly enough. I also think writing to and reading what you lovely folks have written helped me to gain the tools to make this an amicable break up.


I'm not sure whether I'll be back here or not. I'll have to put some thought into whether polyamory is something that's for me in general. I do know that I don't want to make any sort of commitments or promises to anybody right now, so maybe I'll be sort of solo-poly. But yeah... not sure. I might not be so much poly as "Ethical Slut" material. We'll see.

Anyway, thank you all for all your help. I'm very grateful for all your input.
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  #105  
Old 08-25-2011, 05:07 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Wow! I started reading this the other day and was coming up with various questions and pieces of advice to share when I finished, only to find that both relationships are now over! One thing, anyway, kinda personal -- did Knight have an even slightly larger than average penis? Wow, that sounded messed up. I ask because I've been with more than one man who was surprised to find out that XL condoms fit them better... they'd never thought to try them, but had better experiences once they did.

Best of luck as you go on from here. I don't think you should be embarrassed. Ending a relationship is hard, but I saw a number of red flags with you and Romeo, most significantly him having no idea how to articulate why he would want to stay with you.
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