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  #1  
Old 08-24-2011, 01:41 PM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Default Poly married to a Mono

I have a very high sex-drive and love deeply and passionately (perhaps too quickly sometimes). I have been in consensual nonmono relationships before. I never realised that there was a term for this, it just happened. As I progressed through other relationships where the man was mono I cheated all the time and convinced myself it was because I was with the wrong person. Then I met my husband. We have been together nine years (married four).

When we got together he knew my background in full and said that he was not prepared to share and if I cheated he would leave me. I believed that monogomy was the natural state of being and because he is 'the one' I thought that would be the end of my desires for other partners. This desire has never stopped and I am only now begining to come to terms with the fact that it never will.

The situation is further complicated, and my realisation delayed, because the sex with my husband has always been terrible: I thought it would get better and that my desires would go when it did. My husband has virtually no sex drive and no interest in kinky-play, for him even giving me oral sex is unpleasant. Even on the rare occasion we have penetrative sex (we once went two years without any) he has premature ejaculation issues. For the last two years we have been seeing a sex therapist but the situation has not improved.

The last few months I have been becoming more depressed and anxious about the situation. I have been feeling like there is something wrong with me, like I am a freak because I want sex and I like having relationships with more than one person at the same time. The desire for such relationships has never left and they are only getting stronger.

Last year I found out that there is a name for this feeling and I began to think that maybe I am poly. I kept dismissing it though because I thought that was not right, it isn't how marriage is meant to be. Then, last week I met a bunch of really cool people through a work colleague and it turns out they are all in poly relationships, some of them for over twenty years. It made me realise for certain that that is the lifestyle I want to lead, but I want to live it with my husband. I don't know what to do.

I have read lots of threads on this site and I know my situation will be going over all ground for many, but if there is any advice out there I would love to hear it!

Thank you

UPDATE: I have arranged to meet with a poly-therapist to discuss my own identity and this evening I told my husband this. He said that if I am definitely poly and need to explore that area, he cannot do it. He has said that we can go to a diferent sex therapist to see if someone else can help resolve that side of the relationship, obviously there are two separate issues here.

Last edited by transcendental; 08-24-2011 at 06:27 PM. Reason: Update
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:19 PM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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If he's willing to discuss it, it may be worth exploring why he cannot do it. Make it clear that you are only "just talking;"--he is not agreeing to do anything, only agreeing to talk, and to listen. If found that my mono wife was more willing to engage in conversation if I made clear, and repeated whenever she started to object to what I was saying, that we were only talking; we were not agreeing to do anything differently than what we had been doing (which is a traditional mono marriage).

I'm still not where I want to be, but at least we can talk to each other, and by taking the scary threatening thing of doing off of the table (at least for now), she felt safer talking to me about what she thought and felt, and about listening to what I had to say, and at least starting to think about it, rather than flat-out reject everything out of a self-protective, fearful reflex.

Baby steps, if you want to try to keep your marriage together. You may reach a point where you find that the gap between you and your husband is simply too wide to bridge, and then you have a difficult decision to make.

Best,
MT
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:57 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Wow, that is a tough one. You sound like a person with a normal sex drive partnered with an asexual man.

Or perhaps he's gay?

He can't or won't fulfill your need for a healthy sex life, but objects to you going elsewhere for sex.

Leaving desire for others out of the equation... that's a tough situation all on its own. I am glad you sought treatment for his sexual dysfunction. If it hasn't improved with 2 years of sex therapy, maybe he just shouldn't be married to you. He might be more content with another asexual partner, and you might be more content with one or several other lovers who are on your wavelength.

I hate when people on the internet just go, "Dump him." We know so little about your situation, but it sure sounds like you need to find a new way of living and loving. Life is short, too short to live in misery.
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Old 08-24-2011, 08:04 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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I have to agre with Magdlyn here. :/ Two years is TOO LONG! Of course, I'm an over horny guy who HAS to get laid once per day or I crumble into dust. :P J/K But I DO have to have a sexual release (of SOME sort) at least once per day. My wife is not that way. Although she DOES help me.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:46 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Thank you everyone!

Mainly it is nice to hear that I am not a weirdo or completely dysfunctional or immoral for having these needs and seeing this as a problem.

My husband and I are going on holiday tomorrow and have agreed to have lots of conversations. He is having a major freak-out at the very idea that I even might like other people in a sexual way. He has always been ok with me flirting (and I'm a big flirt) but when I said that sometimes I think about taking it further but I don't because of him and our relationship he went mad. He just doesn't believe you can desire more than one person at a time. As for love, not a chance. I have loved more than one person at a time and he just puts that idea down to stupidity or lack of commitment or something.

He still can't realy accept that there is anything unusual with a guy who doesn't like to do that much in bed. It is all really complicated.

It is all horrible, but I feel much better for saying something. He told me that he knew something was wrong but all the tricks he does to make me happy weren't working so he couldn't work out what it was. I guess I shouldn't have let it get this far but it is hard to separate out wanting to be with someone forever, polyamorous feelings, sexual dysfunction, and total sexual incompatibility. It is a bit of a knot.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:56 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transcendental View Post
Thank you everyone!

Mainly it is nice to hear that I am not a weirdo or completely dysfunctional or immoral for having these needs and seeing this as a problem.
Indeed, you are none of those things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by transcendental
My husband and I are going on holiday tomorrow and have agreed to have lots of conversations. He is having a major freak-out at the very idea that I even might like other people in a sexual way. He has always been ok with me flirting (and I'm a big flirt) but when I said that sometimes I think about taking it further but I don't because of him and our relationship he went mad. He just doesn't believe you can desire more than one person at a time. As for love, not a chance. I have loved more than one person at a time and he just puts that idea down to stupidity or lack of commitment or something.
I used to think like that myself. I used to think that "poly" was code for "wanting to play the field," and chalked up my own feelings for other women as stuff that everyone feels, but if they're upright people, they suppress it to keep their vows. Of course, now I think that's a really sad, wasteful, BS way to go through life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by transcendental
It is all horrible, but I feel much better for saying something. He told me that he knew something was wrong but all the tricks he does to make me happy weren't working so he couldn't work out what it was. I guess I shouldn't have let it get this far but it is hard to separate out wanting to be with someone forever, polyamorous feelings, sexual dysfunction, and total sexual incompatibility. It is a bit of a knot.
Don't beat yourself up too badly. It is very common for people to avoid conflict--especially with the ones they love. It's not healthy, but it's normal: conflict is hard, and can be temporarily painful. Most people not only do not want to pay the price of temporary pain for long-term goodness, but as they are not practiced at it, they do not even realize that there is long-term goodness to be had by taking the pain in small lumps instead of letting it fester into something huge.

This isn't, unfortunately, something that we are taught while growing up--that it's important to talk frequently and honestly, even about the hard things. Of course, we also aren't taught HOW to talk about things in a non-accusatory manner, and all of our societal role models favor "scoring points" and getting a good zinger in during a fight instead of actually communicating effectively. Much of what gets said may hurt, but it can be said in a way that is not deliberately hurtful, and that kind of discussion is not typically modeled for us as we grow up.

MT
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Old 08-25-2011, 02:09 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transcendental View Post

He still can't really accept that there is anything unusual with a guy who doesn't like to do that much in bed.
Wow, really? How odd. I mean every partnership has its ups and downs sexually. When I had 3 kids in 5 years the sex life with my ex went south for a number of years, but that is only because we just really didnt have the time, and I was always exhausted by the end of the day. Health issues, other life stresses can of course affect the sex life, but he's had issues from Day 1, it sounds like.

How can he be in denial that he has issues after 2 years of couples/sex therapy?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 08-25-2011, 05:33 PM
Hyperreal2 Hyperreal2 is offline
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Default Same Situation

I'm fairly poly by nature, but am mono right now because my wife is absolutely not into it. I do flirt. But it's not easy.
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Old 08-25-2011, 06:18 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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You have been going to couples/sex therapy, but has he had medical tests to check things like testosterone levels and such?
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Old 08-26-2011, 11:35 AM
transcendental transcendental is offline
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Wow! Thanks everyone

He hasn't had any physical tests done, no. That is a good idea though. He has agreed to try a different therapist which may help. Our current one only wants to deal with PE and not the other issues.

We are going on holiday today and will be away from everything, internet, tv the works. We plan on chatting a lot, taking long walks, reading, and just trying to figure things through.

The week we get back I have an appointment with a therapist who specialises in polyamory. I really need to get my own head sorted and to unpack everything. What do I need? What will make me happy? Can I live like this? If I work on myself a bit, then I can re-invest in couples therapy again. I have spent all nine years of our relationship worrying about him and our relationship but I have forgotten myself. It has finally bitten me - and us - on the bum.

I'll keep you posted when I get back. All of your responses have helped a lot!

Thank you
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