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Old 08-05-2010, 12:03 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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This is a great reminder that even between poly people it is important to define what that means for each when entering a relationship. The ends of the poly expectation spectrum are almost as far apart as the mono-poly spectrum.

Regardless of how anyone practices relationships the first responsibility of an individual should be to communicate their expectations even when dealing with the same general labels such as monogamous and polyamorous. I think the second responsibility is to promote a healthier community by caring about other people whether you know them or not. Isn't that a principle of building a loving global community?

Just my thoughts.

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Old 08-05-2010, 12:32 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by Athena View Post
Let's say though that you are interested in dating a member of a previously only mono couple that have not even yet had a poly discussion between them. Given the stigma many members of mono-minded couples feel about asking a partner permission to enter a poly situation, wouldn't you be worried that you may be initiating a relationship based on sneaking around the other mono partner?
Interesting question. I've never been in this situation, so I'm left to guess what I might do. I'm going to ignore the "not even yet had a poly discussion" part, 'cause if I knew that I would already know that I wasn't going to date that person.

I'd be pretty leery of being a previously closed couple's first experience of polyamory, but not for the reason you give. I have a hard time imagining the person that I both wanted to date and believed had the capacity to be dishonest with their partner. I mean, I'm totally open to the idea that I could be confused about whether or not they had that capacity; my judgement of people isn't infallible. But if I thought that they had that capacity, it would make them a terrible choice of person to be in a romantic relationship with, right?

I'm generalising, but it seems to me that a lot of previously closed couples don't do polyamory particularly well, and/or have a lot of rules that would make me avoid getting involved. I might get involved with someone (against my better judgement) whose partner has a veto, or "always comes first". I might get involved with someone (against my better judgement) whose partner isn't enthusiastic about being poly-. I might get involved with someone (against my better judgement) with someone who is defensive about the fact that they're asking their partner to open the relationship. But all of those things at once? It's hard for me to imagine. Still, this doesn't really answer your question, and might not apply to any given situation.

I think the dealbreaker would be that I'd be totally weirded out by trying to date someone and never interacting with their other partners. I expect to be involved in the life of anyone I date, even if the relationship is relatively casual. I think that expectation makes me more or less immune from the danger of winding up with someone who is cheating, without needing to ask for permission from anyone other than the person I actually want to date.

It's possible that at some point I could get burned by this by having something happen with someone whose relationship rules forbid that thing ("No eating ice cream with anyone else on the third Friday of months the names of which begin with vowels"), because I don't expect sign-offs but rather expect normal, friendly interactions. But I think that there might be a correlation between taking sanity and honesty for granted and winding up in sane, honest relationships.

P.S. Upon re-reading this, I realised there's some chance that someone might think that I think that "having rules that mean Jkelly is less likely to date you" and "doing polyamory badly" are related. That's not the case! I am totally confident that there are people out there doing polyamory well and have rules that mean I wouldn't want to be involved, or even that they are doing it well because they have rules that mean that.

Last edited by jkelly; 08-05-2010 at 12:51 AM. Reason: Move P.S. to bottom after adding it.
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Old 10-30-2010, 12:49 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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My partners and I currently consider ourselves open & swinging poly. For us, that means that we have a committed, emotionally-connected poly triad but we are free to hang out with and have sex with whomever we want outside of that triad (and we are open to playing together with others at events and/or with a couple friend they have been swinging with for about five years) it's not really a requirement to share thost trysts, though, we do. We agree to only be emotionally connected to each other (on a companionship/intimate level) and to only have unprotected sex with each other. If and when the time comes that any of us meet someone we believe would be a good additional partner we would then discuss our thoughts about it with each other, with the person, and probably arrange some quality time where we all can hang out and see if it is a possible for us all. Now, in this case, it probably wouldn't be a 'no-go' if the person wasn't interested in all of us as a group (fmf) in an intimate way but it would probably be a 'no-go' if the person was not open to connecting with all of us emotionally.

Last edited by eklctc; 10-30-2010 at 01:03 PM. Reason: Forgot a part
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Old 10-30-2010, 07:36 PM
Athena Athena is offline
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While I personally would be open to having more than one person I feel emotionally primary to, my husband's boundary is that he wants to be my only total primary with whom I share a home, finances and child/children with (at least at this time he feels that way), and we really started exploring poly because he wanted to explore things in more of a swinging style, to enjoy pleasurable friendships of varying duration.
My boundary is that I am a very slow to warm up personality type, so swinging, at least the version of it that I saw on some of the boards (two dates and lets get it on sexually) felt uncomfortable to me. I like to hang out with people for a while, and know that we're compatible for more than sex, and that I want the person or persons in my life for long term with sex being only part of a lot of areas where we have fun, compatibility and emotional and intellectual connection. I could see doing something like swinging with someone(s) who are more friends than lovers, but they would have to be really good friends already. I do have room in my life for pretty much one main secondary relationship right now, but haven't met anyone yet.
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Old 11-02-2010, 08:33 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I am in the "go slow and check" camp. I am very fortunate that my partners feel the same way.

There is no rush to dive into a committed relationship or into bed for us. There is plenty of time to check back with the other folks involved in your relationship about how they feel. This person will become in some way a part of our dynamic, and that will probably change the dynamic in some way. To me, it's only fair to give my existing partner(s), no matter how many of them there are, the chance to agree with or object to how that dynamic may change.

This would more than likely mean that everyone gets to hang out for a while, maybe several times, to get a better "feel" for the people involved (this would apply for the person interested in coming into the relationship as much for those already involved).

To me this phase isn't about whether the new person is fit to join the group or not, but about a mutual growth of understanding of each other so that whatever is entered into is done with eyes (and hearts) open for everyone involved.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb

Last edited by CielDuMatin; 11-03-2010 at 03:01 AM.
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Old 11-11-2010, 12:33 AM
Athena Athena is offline
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I agree that any new relationship (except maybe a one night stand - with someone outside your relationship set, when the relationship set is ok with one night stands), even what seems to one individual or even part of that set, to be casual friendship has way relationship changing dynamic potential. So far hubby has not done much, and neither have I. However, despite 'Squished' in my personal update, and despite some more med changes (or should I say, failure to have courage to make changes and just piling on more of 'em) by my shrink done today, yesterday and today have gone pretty well. Other than that my last kosher item from a phase when even my dishes were kosher, was 'treffed up' by my familly which was emotionally upsetting for some reason, even though to me it is more important that food be supervised in a kosher way, rather than all the separate dishes is more important to me. I live in a part of town where people have very few choices for safe, reasonably priced food.
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Old 11-11-2010, 12:34 AM
Athena Athena is offline
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I think that meandered a bit. If it needs clarification, let me know.
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Old 08-24-2011, 11:25 PM
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polandrylady polandrylady is offline
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Cool Direct

It sounds like a lot of words.... and I thought I was bashful in the beginning.... that's a lot of words for just saying that you should or want to check with your partner prior to letting someone know they are hot!

I'd just be, hey sexy-pants... your hot.... come meet my other hot.
because when everyone's needs are met, it's not much different and twice as happy
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Old 08-25-2011, 01:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by polandrylady View Post
It sounds like a lot of words....
Sorry, polyandrylady, but to whom are you directing your post? I'm a bit confused. It seems that, tonight, you've resurrected a few rather long older threads, which is perfectly fine to do, but you haven't quoted or specified which post you're replying to in some of them (including this one). Just would be more helpful if you were clear about that.
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Old 08-25-2011, 01:48 AM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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when we got together with the couple we are dating I made it clear to them that I have a few ladies that we occasionally engage in sexual behavior with. these are pretty good friends of ours and have been long term lovers. I told them i would not seek out additional partners but I wanted to still be able to be with people Im already involved with. they were ok with this compromise to the whole polyfi thing they wanted but I dont feel inclined to tell them any details about my sex life with these other people since they pretty much gave the green light.
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